I tried the herb Passion Flower the other night and it relaxed me within an hour, but not as much as I had hoped or read it would. I took one pill a few hours before bed and the second one right before bed.
It is a coincidence, obviously, but both nights I had a recurring dream that visits me every few months. It's never a dream I welcome and I have spent decades trying to rid myself of it. But it seems to destined to stay with me, perhaps because I'm seeking closure I can never get.
To try and find that closure would be one of the most selfish things I've ever done and I've done a lot of selfish things in my lifetime. Apologizing can be a good and decent and right thing to do, but in my situation I am pretty sure it could be triggering and just plain wrong.
It doesn't matter that I was young and had good intentions. Perception is reality and good intentions don't always bring good results.
I am not proud to say that when I broke my wrist more than a year and a half ago, I found the oxy I took for the pain to be one of the few things I ever took that gave me a minute's rest from anxiety and overthinking. But, understandably, there are no refills on oxy and that's as it should be.
Having given wine up back in early January, I miss that comfort as well. But I cannot go back to drinking. I can't and I won't. But it's so hard sometimes.
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