Maybe it is the opposite of romantic, but I'd rather be boring than have a broken heart...and being practical and realistic makes for a much better way of surviving in this harsh and very un-romantic world. 

My formerly romantic side used to give me such grief that I am extremely grateful I have finally woken from the stupor I was in for way longer than I ever, ever should have been. Lately, when I see the person I like (or rather the person I still like, but have also managed to gain a huge amount of perspective in terms of how ridiculous my heart has been about all of this) I wonder how I ever let myself care so much about someone I mean so little to...

In life, it should not be a "tit for tat" kind of thing in that you only like someone who likes you back...I am not talking about that, but about keeping one's reason and emotional intelligence intact when it comes to how futile, painful and even harmful to your life unrequited feelings are. With the universe and my conscience as a witness, I am going to do my very, very best to make sure I stay level about this and remember that realizing someone not only does not like you back, but thinks poorly of you does not have to mean your world is over. 

Whenever I struggle with how someone sees me I always think of my favorite show "Golden Girls" and how, during one episode, after (I think) Dorothy insults her, Rose says "Well, that's fifteen more minutes in front of the mirror saying 'I am a good person, I am a good person.'"

I do not want (and hope I never do) to lose the part of me that cares about people in general, but I also would like to just keep my heart permanently closed in the safest and best way possible. 

Some of the ways for me to best get back on the road I belong are: focusing on my cat (whom I adore more than I ever could have imagined), the people who do (?) seem to like me, my job and the little things that give me moments of joy (i.e. "DC's Legends of Tomorrow" is a surprisingly fun, funny and feel-good show that has an amazing cast you would just love to hang out with if they were real people).

Happy Halloween

The only time I ever feel completely at home with myself is on Halloween. This is a huge part of why it is my absolute favorite holiday and yet I also love the day because it feels like something dreadful is on the rise as I try desperately (desperately)




to clutch on to the last day of 'okayness' before holiday hoopla kicks into full gear and the madness begins.

Halloween (to me, at least) celebrates the person who doesn't fit in, the person who needs to hide behind something else, so that (even if it is just for the very shortest of time) you can feel as if you're outside of your skin (where you never really feel at ease) instead of inside it..

After finding myself almost desperately wanting to fill the void left by my watching the mesmerizing and deeply affecting "The Haunting of Hill House," I am now attempting to take on Netflix's "The Chilling Adventures of Sabrina"...and with some serious doubt.

There is a lot to like about it, including the title character's endearing ways of looking out for her friends and tackling very important issues and the way she treats her cat/familiar Salem. I could totally immerse myself in this CW-but-darker take on Sabrina except (and here I have huge reservations) for the predominant references to the Devil, whether it be through referencing "The Dark Lord," the use of "Hail Satan" or the "dark baptisms" taking place.

I want to be able to let my fuddy duddiness go, take it all tongue in cheek, but I feel like it is a very shady area, where main characters are embracing the dark side instead of fighting it. And I guess the Christian side of me is having a very hard time with it because I am used to "bad guys" aligning themselves with demons and that like. 

In addition to other changes I am trying to make in my life I am really, really, really wanting to step away from anything that has any kind of evil undertones. Watching "The Haunting of Hill House" (as spectacular as it is) took a lot out of me emotionally and I realized, both during and after watching it, that I want to stop feeding the heartfelt side of me that seems to crave very dark or emotional storylines.

Reading up more on "The Chilling Adventures" (in terms of reviews) it seems I am not the only one a bit concerned about its devilish side. Others have expressed discomfort with it as well, but I have discovered some intriguing reviews that make me think maybe I should just lighten up a bit and realize that devil worship is not the main point and that "the Dark Lord" may be symbolic rather than literal.

https://www.glamour.com/story/chilling-adventures-of-sabrina-review

I'm a bit confused that it seems to pass muster on the rather conservative website Common Sense Media, but maybe that's a good thing and a sign I should not be taking this all so seriously:

https://www.commonsensemedia.org/tv-reviews/the-chilling-adventures-of-sabrina

I can always change my mind further down the road. I have to admit it is not pulling me in the way "The Haunting of Hill House" did (which I binge-watched in two nights) and maybe that is a reflection on the show itself and not any content I am worried about...

...and that's perfectly okay!!

I have recently returned to writing in my journal and I am finding I much prefer (mostly) keeping my thoughts private to sharing them with someone else. Not too long ago I lost (although I am not sure "lost" is the right word) what I thought was a very special, three year long friendship that meant the world to me, but I have now had to gain much-needed perspective on, in terms of closure and reality.

In addition to writing in my journal again (and all the advice out there that says journal-keeping is very therapeutic is right on) I have also been reading older entries in hopes that I may find I have improved even just a little bit in how I see things and in my wanting to let go of the things that deeply and painfully bother me.

One aspect I feel I have grown much better in is in taking more responsibility for my own feelings and in my not letting others' actions get to me so much. The most important thing I have come to realize is that I, alone, am responsible for my feelings, no one else, even if that "no one else" has been hurtful or downright cruel.

I think back to when I was trying to date and some of the rather unbelievable things people would say to me. One woman I met declined to tell me she was married until we had been corresponding for several weeks and were on our first and only date (though "date" is a word I am using very loosely now and purely in retrospect). Only then did she tell me and very, very casually as if it were just a form of "disclosure" she wanted to slip by me without any consequences.

"I want the benefits of being in a traditional marriage while still being able to embrace my lesbian side." She confided and I just started at her, horrified at this woman who wanted her cake and to eat it too.

Maybe I am just being incredibly harsh and very narrow-minded in saying this, but I will anyway: I have no patience for people who want to stay in a relationship and date outside it, none at all. Look, I get being in the closet, I really, really, really do. Half of me is still in there. BUT even if I did want to date, I would never, ever, ever date someone while she or I were in a relationship with other people. 

When I look back, I cannot believe I ever tried to date. I am just not dating material nor will I ever be and there is just too much drama out there, way, way, way too much. This is on me, though, more than on other people. I am too rigid, too full of doubts, too not ready for any kind of emotional or physical intimacy, ever. I was trying too hard to find something I don't think I ever truly wanted in the first place and I have made my peace with that and am actually (in terms of my being single) stronger for it. 

Even more beneficial to my own personal strength...I have come to realize that even if the person I have one-sided feelings for were single and did feel the same (however science fiction-y that is, and, believe me, it is science fiction-y!) I would still be this way about remaining single. Somehow, knowing that is healing to me and maybe a huge step in my finally (maybe?) being able to truly let go of these unnecessary and unwanted emotions inside.

And on top of all that is this, which I firmly believe to be true: not every one needs to be paired up nor does every one want to be. One of the biggest lies out there in the world is that there is "the one" or that there is "a pot for every lid." This is simply not true and it is not fair to those desperately still looking nor those individuals who are perfectly fine being "unpaired" to make them feel as if they are somehow missing a part of themselves by not going off into the sunset with Mr. or Miss Right. It is perfectly okay (and I mean this in the purest and least 'new-agey' way) to be your own "one."