For the first time in years I no longer find myself mad at the world (or, more specifically, the people within the world who are turning it into a shitake mushroom show)...I just feel rather numb, with occasional tears, but not many. 

I haven't cried when I shouldn't (i.e. at work) in a long while and that is a good thing. I've been crush-free for three plus years now and I have armored my heart so strongly I doubt I will ever "like like" someone ever again. I feel like that old Pink Floyd song "Comfortably Numb."

My dream life is more active and vivid than my real life and if I see people in them I used to be fond of in real life there is a nice detachment to it that there never was when I actively liked them, if that makes sense. I found myself relieved to realize I was not in denial or anything like that, that my dreams were telling me, this is now in the rearview mirror and you are okay...in that area of your life.

As much as I can be very fearful of my dreams (and nightmares) I occasionally have very pleasant ones...last night I had my recurring dream (less and less these days, though) where I see my grandmother and get to hang out with her again.  My recurring mall dream felt less scary and more airy and I even had a dream where I got to play softball with Karen Carpenter (not a sad dream at all).

I  think you give away so much when you give away your heart, but I'm not sure the alternative is a much better option...just one I'm taking right now until I have surer footing in life.

One thing I'm sure of is that I'm not in denial about any past feelings for any past person. And this makes me think of one of many favorite Golden Girls scenes (I can pretty much apply any Golden Girls episode to different aspects of life and immediately feel better).

Dorothy: Rose, I am not in denial.

Rose: Yes, you are. You’re just denying you’re in denial.

Dorothy: Rose, honey, I am not denying I’m in denial.

Rose: If you’re not denying you’re in denial, then you’re in denial.

Dorothy: Look, fluffhead. Why should I deny being in denial? I never said I was in denial, YOU are the one who said I was in denial, and don’t you deny it.

Last night I had a very brief, but still kind of sweet, totally not unpleasant dream, something I rarely have. I wish now I'd written about it in my dream journal, right after waking. But I didn't so all I have left is a fleeting sensation rather than the bittersweet, but wonderful overwhelming-ness of it when I first woke.

I've always thought it looks so gentle and soul-stirring when someone kisses someone else on the top of their forehead or crown of their hair. I think it is very tender and that is how it was in my dream, with the person doing it to me, creating a loveliness I wanted to hold on to forever.