The older I get the more I find myself losing patience with explicit love scenes in books. Not because I am intensely disgusted or turned off, or even affronted, but because I believe that you can have love without sex and that sex is made way too much a big deal of and is absolutely meaningless without love.

Not that I know this personally...I am a virgin and most likely always will be. I believe, really really believe that I am asexual and I only become more and more convinced of this as the years go on.  

This can be a problem in dating, no matter what your orientation, but it especially seems to be a problem in the lesbian community. It is both sad and funny (not ha-ha funny, it should go without saying) that far right Christians have such an odd fascination with the sexual aspect(s) of being gay that that is all they see and that many lesbians will often run the other way if you confide that you are a romantic asexual...meaning you want the cuddling and kisses and hugs that can come with romantic love but NOT the sex.

Asexuality is a theme that still has a _long_ way to go in being represented in lesfic (or any fiction), but I am pretty satisfied with what I have discovered so far and only hope that someday soon there will be lots more...not only because I really dislike reading graphic sex scenes, but because, on a deeper level, it is nice to know you are not alone in being an 'oddball.'

If I could have any superpower in the world (after being able to turn invisible at will) it would be to have complete control over my emotions and to put chains around my heart. 

But since I do not have any superpowers and it is up to ME to figure all of this out myself I will start here:

https://www.wikihow.com/Control-Your-Emotions

and also by realizing it is not what people say or write, but what they do and how they communicate with their body language that tells you how it really is...I think I am finally ready to move on with how I have been feeling about someone and if I do have a broken heart, well, maybe that is a good thing and next time I will not be so incredibly, incredibly stupid. From now my heart is going to be much, much more locked up and less foolish.

If I had read this book up until a few years ago I would have absolutely despised it and had nothing but bad things to say. As it is there ARE mostly bad things to say about Desperate Asylum (and it is most definitely not 'brilliant'), but I cannot deny that Fletcher Flora (a very underrated writer) got some things right and there were times I was reading this I became convinced he must have written under a pen name during his career as a writer. If you are of a certain age (or live in an area that is still very much behind the times in accepting gay people) many parts of Desperate Asylum (especially the self-hatred gay men and women constantly can live with) will ring true for you. If you have been blessed enough or strong enough and have never lived with feelings of intense self-loathing then there really is nothing here that will resonate with you. Desperate Asylum is a never-ending flow of outdated ideas and beliefs and is not at all ready to accept gays or lesbians as anything but abnormal. And it does not help that one of the main characters, Lisa, is a walking, talking stereotype and not at all likable. One thing that kept cycling through my mind as I read this was the thought that even nowadays there are some of us who would desperately do anything not to be gay and yet know that there is no way not to be.

In the more than thirty years that I have known (and for so many of them tried to fight against it, no matter what the cost or damage) I was gay I have seen and heard everything when it comes to homophobia and its vicious hatred. 

I suspect that if you are anti-gay (especially if you are very anti-gay) that what I want and am struggling to say will not make much difference to you. On both sides it is so hard for us to change our minds on important issues, especially very controversial and heated ones, and I know that it is near impossible for me to change how I see things…and I know that I certainly cannot change who I am, even if I am trying to desperately change HOW I am.

Ever since I have known about ‘that’ part of me, I have done absolutely everything well-meaning (I am going to give conservative Christians the benefit of the doubt and assume you ARE well-meaning) homophobic people say we ‘homosexuals’ should do: I pray away the gay every day (even though it has yet to ‘take’), I avoid the woman I like (and have emotional and romantic feelings) for whenever possible even though there are times she and I have to be around each other, I have been celibate and plan on always being so.

The thing is you can try and differentiate between ‘practicing homosexuals’ and ‘non-practicing’ ones all you want, but there really is no difference, not in the end, even if celibacy does require restraint and sacrifice. Anyone who has struggled with all her might against being a lesbian, anyone whose heart has been broken, whose heartstrings have been tugged and breath taken away in the purest and most sincere of ways by the love that all people feel, straight and gay…well, she will tell you that being gay is not about sex and that it is not something that can be removed from you. 

‘Ex-gay therapy’ does not work (believe me, it just does not and it does more harm than good) and the only ‘therapy’ I know that does work shall not go mentioned here because it is a horrible and very final way therapy to take away who you are, with no coming back or next days after.

You may hate gay people so much that your hate stands in the way of your seeing this: trying to take away love from someone and treat them so cruelly that she thinks (seriously, seriously, considers and even may act on) of taking her own life…well, that just does not seem like good Christianity to me.

You may not know that I specifically am gay, but when I (or anyone else who may be) happens to hear your thoughtless comments (in the workplace at that!) it can be unbearable. 

It might sound like a little thing, but still, for people like me, who read lesfic and almost always have to pay for it as most public libraries do not carry it...it hurts a lot to see hundreds and hundreds of straight romance paperbacks in libraries, bookstores, Walmart and even the grocery store.

There is no such outlet for gay and lesbian readers of romance who, even now in 2017, mostly rely on ebooks for their 'stash,' not only because that is predominantly how gay and lesbian romance novels are most available, but also because iPhones and ereaders and tablets offer the most safety...safety in terms of being judged for what you are reading or, worse, literally fearing that you will somehow be outed. Unless it is a specialized book store, in a very big city like San Francisco or New York, there are just no places to easily access this kind of fiction

Attitudes towards anything that is not traditional or mainstream romance are still very much exist, outdated and offensive but no less alive because of that. They remind me of an episode of Ellen's sitcom that aired in the 90s. In it, her character approaches the vendor of a newsstand and she asks for the latest issue of the Advocate. He points to a section and says, "over there with the other porn."  Advocate, by the way, is not considered porn, but, sadly, some people think of LGBTQ fiction and publications in that way.

It breaks my heart.

It is not an understatement for me to say that I went into Thaw with huge, huge hopes...there just are no words for how it feels to find a character in a book who feels exactly the same way you do about something people rarely, if ever, talk about. With passages like these:

It wasn’t that she hated the idea of sex, just . . . she didn’t want it. Didn’t need it. But no one else ever seemed to feel that way; in high school, college, and even now in the break room at work, where some of the part-time ladies would talk about their husbands or dates during lunch, sex was always the focus of every relationship.  

...in front of her. Still, the thought of having someone to spend time with, to talk to, maybe to hold while she slept? It sounded romantic. Perfect. Why was it so difficult for others to contemplate a relationship built on mutual affection, on romantic gestures that didn’t extend into the bedroom? Abby wanted roses and inside jokes, something easy and natural. Sex was a complication she didn’t have any interest in.

Abby knew what people had said about her in the past: that she was frigid, weird, broken. That not wanting to have sex made her somehow less than human. And despite that, she’d accepted her asexuality for what it was, never mourned the loss of something she didn’t want in the first place.

There are more like this and the story itself is extremely sincere and moving and is everything I had hoped it would be with a beautiful friendship/romance being more than enough for both women. I can honestly say I have never read anything like this before; it almost feels like I dreamed it, but in a good way. 

I am far more practical than I used to be, but, sometimes, I still like to believe that somewhere out there a person exists, for each and every one of us, who would understand just what you are feeling and would befriend you no matter how freakish or out of touch with the rest of the world you are...one of my favorite songs from the lovely movie "An American Tail."

I am so excited (cautiously so) about this book coming out next Tuesday...it features a main character who is a lesbian AND asexual and, well, lesbian asexuals are just not very often a part of fiction...or ever really even mentioned in the real world. 

We do exist, even if it seems no one knows what to make of us, and though we can be deeply romantic at heart and full of rich emotions we just do not feel sexual stirrings the way other people can. I probably should not use the word "we" since I cannot speak for every lesbian who identifies as asexual, but I do know that I am not alone in this and it is so very nice to see it reflected elsewhere.

Here's the description for the book from Amazon:

Pop star Leontyne Blake might sing about love, but she stopped believing in it a long time ago. What women want is her image, not the real her. When her father has a stroke, she flees the spotlight and returns to her tiny Missouri hometown.

In her childhood home, she meets small-town nurse Holly Drummond, who isn’t impressed by Leo’s fame at all. That isn’t the only thing that makes Holly different from other women. She’s also asexual. For her, dating is a minefield of expectations that she has decided to avoid.

Can the tentative friendship between a burned-out pop star and a woman not interested in sex develop into something more despite their diverse expectations?

A lesbian romance about seeking the perfect rhythm between two very different people—and finding happiness where they least expect it.

....

Just after I saw the above, I discovered another book with a similar theme and downloaded it right away and started reading...and, well, all I can say is: wow! 

Feeling that you are asexual in addition to being gay is like a double-edged sword and within the lesbian community (it seems to me, at least) there is almost an ambivalence towards people who are asexual. For me, finding this book (and anticipating the one above) is a Godsend...there are no words for it, really. 

To be strongly emotionally and romantically attracted to someone of your own gender is already considered (even now in 2017) pretty controversial (and often also still referred to as "sinful") so there is already that to deal with as a huge and painful struggle. 

You would think a person not being sexually driven or having a strong sex drive would be a good thing not something to be dismissed with disdain, yet it can be and, thus, it throws things into even further disarray. Books that speak to you when you are desperate to find another soul (even if that soul is fictional) that understands what you are going through and where you are emotionally is simply amazing.

I think about how different my feelings for X are than for anyone else I have ever had feelings for before…and they are radically different, in both good ways and bad.

X is, without a doubt, the most professional and composed person I have ever had feelings for, so much my polar opposite it goes beyond cliché. She is everything I am not and I am sure this is a huge contributing factor to my strong feelings for her. Anything or anyone that is not me is good and good to be around.

Never before have I had feelings for someone I am also afraid of…not in the sense of fear, but in the sense of awe and in the absolute conviction I am going to mess things up when in her presence (which has, indeed, happened many a time and most recently culminating in things that just cannot be reversed)

It is true that I find her very attractive, but the part of me that finds her very attractive is not an active part of me and never has been, if that makes sense. I like X in a very deep and emotionally resounding way, but the part of me that finds her beautiful is able to temper that side. I am no more sexual (or even sexual in thinking) than I am beautiful or socially adept or capable of having a meaningful, blush-free conversation with her. "Ex gay therapists" (many of whom believe being gay is some kind of arrested development) would find it fitting that I feel like a child in those matters of life.

That is why this is all a complete mystery to me, that five years later my feelings still have not gone away. It is futile and (no matter that I have never said a word or knowingly done anything to give myself away in how I feel about her) so very unprofessional. And yet, just as I cannot pray away my gay, I cannot pray away my feelings for her…maybe precisely because they are not wanton or wrong feelings, but very heartfelt and genuine ones of caring and respect. 

Lately I have been recording and re-watching "Monk" on the Hallmark Mystery Channel. It is comforting to watch on particularly difficult nights of sleeping. One episode, in particular, reminds me of why Monk's character is more than just his quirks and idiosyncrasies and why Tony Shalhoub is such a gifted and wonderful actor.

In the episode I am thinking of Monk and his therapist, Dr. Kroger, are talking about his late wife Trudy. Trudy is essential to the show's 'mythology' and to who Monk is and who he has become, even though she is only seen in photos and one major appearance in an episode that is not what it seems. In the scene that I saw again for the first time in years the other night there is this incredibly touching and vulnerable moment where Dr. Kroger is asking Monk to talk about his relationship with his late wife, in terms of intimacy.

Monk refuses to talk about it and, instead, offers to sing show tones with Dr. Kroger. Appropriately enough (and with an odd, but endearing sweetness that is heartbreaking) Monk sings "If Ever I Would Leave You" from Camelot. It is a beautifully sad moment and an amazing reminder that Monk is more than his OCD and not just a one trick pony or only capable of being annoying to people in his life, including his friends, who sometimes lose their patience with him.

I could be reading into this moment way too much, but I see it as a very rare and special one for any form of entertainment, much less tv, and especially in a world that places far too much importance on sex and talking about it so much. It is a lovely reminder (I think) that not all things are meant to be talked about and that some people (in this case, especially Monk) never ever ever get over losing someone they love and hold on to their memories as something to be treasured and never shared with anyone else. It is because of seemingly small moments like this one that Monk ended up being one of my favorite shows of the 00s and still remains one I adore.

The most recent issue of Psychology Today is full of helpful articles, including one on managing extremes and finding a more moderate way of life and feeling.

One particular part of the article hit me so hard I felt both shame that I may be like what they are describing and hope that this may be just the slap in the face I need to (truly) show me that what I have been feeling for almost five years is absolute madness. 

I am so glad that I never once did or said anything about my feelings for this person, but I am still deeply troubled by the words below because they just hit way too close and even though I am not obsessive about it and believe my feelings are genuine and ones of caring and not bad I really, really do not want to be this way:

My deepest regret is not that the person I like does not feel the same way (that's always been a no-brainer not only because she is totally outside my league, whatever that expression really means, but because I do not register on her radar at all and the circumstances involved make it impossible even for the most casual of friendships) but that I respect her immensely professionally and wish I had a better working relationship with her, completely separate from how I personally feel.

I feel like I am finally waking up from the very bad fog I have been living in for way too long and that I am awake, realizing that the silly things I believed (or rather wanted to believe) were just dreams I wished were true. The unrequited feelings I have for someone in my life (but only in my life in the sense that circumstances beyond either of our control places us in the same place almost daily) will never go away but I have accepted that and can live with it quietly until it really does go away someday. 

The harder thing to accept is the friendship I have lost with someone I met when we were bonding over shared pain and formed a connection that transcended one common thing and became many. I will never know what I did wrong to lose it, but I suspect it is because I have never been very good at friendships and even worse at sustaining them, no matter how much I so want to be and have good intentions.

On Saturday it will be exactly one year since I brought my cat home and into my life and he has been a huge force in my reconciling certain things I know to be true and making peace with them. He has shown me unconditional love and what it is like to love a being who can be affectionate back and not care what I look like or whether I am socially awkward. His company is the therapy and mutual friendship I have long been looking for and even if non-animal people do not get it, even if my family thinks I am a crazy cat lady, I am okay with that and really do believe that animals can be soul mates.

Heartbreak is feeling one thing and knowing a different one, loving someone even knowing she may very well hate you for doing so, respecting someone despite seeing in her eyes she thinks you're a fool. Heartbreak is moving on when each step forward hurts and you still have to see her almost every day, the only thing keeping you going...knowing moving on is the right and only thing to do.

I am a huge believer in good intentions and a person's meaning well, but if their meaning well is the only reason they are staying in a friendship with you, well then that can hurt as much as an intentional meanness can. A friendship that means a whole, whole lot to you can end up being heartbreaking and very confusing when it becomes clearer and clearer with each passing day that it is obligation and not sincere wanting on the person's part to be your friend.

Not all friendships are meant to be. The best you can do is be yourself, keep your expectations low.-Judge John Hodgman

I saw this very recently and it really, really stuck with me:

https://www.nytimes.com/2016/12/29/magazine/judge-john-hodgman-on-forced-friendships.html?rref=collection%2Fcolumn%2Fjudge-john-hodgman&action=click&contentCollection=magazine&region=stream&module=stream_unit&version=latest&contentPlacement=10&pgtype=collection


I will always like the people I like and I also (I would like to think) will always like people, in general. But to hope for a friendship that is just never ever going to happen or is only going to come from some kind of cluelessness that results in an awkward and unintentionally forced friendship...well, that is just asking for a lot of heartache and putting someone you really care about in a very uncomfortable position.

 

This cover is so absurd you just might laugh, unless, of course you are a lesbian and you are old enough to remember when this attitude was very common or you know people who still believe things like this. I have done everything I know how to do to "not" be gay and it just does not work. I have tried praying it away, I have tried steeling my heart against any and all emotional or romantic feelings, I have always been and most likely always will be celibate. 

None of that makes a difference nor does it (as far as I am concerned) make me any less gay that I am not a 'practicing' one...as the far right Christians like to say when referencing the kind of gay people they believe go to Hell.

I cannot keep people who believe gays and lesbians are 'evil' or 'sinful' from thinking that just as they cannot keep me from being who I am, no matter how much they may believe in 'ex-gay' therapy. In an ideal world I would be thrilled if anti-gay Christians could at least grasp that being gay is about far, far. far more than sex and that it really is so that love is love. I just do not think they will ever understand that.

It absolutely breaks my heart when those who are constantly subjected to horrific attitudes and hateful comments from homophobic people in their lives end up hurting themselves in some way or, worse, ends their lives. It seems to me that people who engage in any kind of homophobia (especially the hateful kind) should not get to judge or be surprised when their words and actions are such a huge contributor to tragedy.

Recently, a study was released that stated suicide rates among gay youth went down when gay marriage became legal. Many on the far right debated this or expressed incredulity or even said the study was falsified; thing is I firmly believe this and completely understand that this could definitely be the case. When I was younger and thought about harming myself it would have made a huge difference if I had been living in a time when being gay was not considered 'sick' or 'sinful.' 

http://www.cnn.com/2017/02/22/health/teen-suicide-same-sex-marriage-study-trnd/

because sometimes you just wish you could say it out loud...

I think I have the words now, the ones I have been struggling for almost since the very first day I met you. I found them, I think, in a dream the other night and then, just today, in a picture I saw of you I wasn’t expecting to see…you, with your husband and children, looking very strong and yet also very protected, the epitome of class and containment and even a subtle kind of royalty you may not even be aware you exude.

Right from the start there have been three horrible things that have taken what should have been beautiful feelings and pure and sincere intent and twisted it all into something very heartbreaking and shameful. No matter how straight from the heart my emotions are, no matter how wondrous they feel to me, they are still not appropriate because you are happily married (1), very traditional and very straight (2) and I am me, a ‘me’ that is your polar opposite and completely unworthy of knowing you, much less being your friend (3) 

In the dream I had the other night you were renewing your wedding vows and you were the happiest I have ever seen you. You invited everyone from work and a lot of us came and were thrilled for you. You sang, of course, that voice of yours so magnificent and authentic in its beauty. I could actually hear your voice in my dream and I fell in love with you again, even though I knew the dream was actually a goodbye and I should be feeling less, not more.

Though many people still believe being gay is wrong, this ('this' being how I feel about you, how much you mean to me and how you live so vibrantly in my heart) is not wrong because of that. I just happen to be a woman who is head over heels over another woman who does not feel the same way at all. No, the wrongness, the absolute very bad wrongness,  is that my feelings come from my not being able to send them packing, to put away all of this interior nonsense and accept that some people are too good for you, even if you just silently love them💔