There are a lot of theories used both for and against gays and lesbians in trying to 'figure' out why one might be gay.



 
http://www.christiananswers.net/q-cross/cross-gaychange.html
 

Music is the place I go to get away from me. And this is one of my favorite pictures of how I'd like to escape, its aura is so peaceful and lovely. I mean I know it's a picture of Batgirl, but I am still transfixed by the look on her face and the starkness of the backdrop...not to mention that she's finding tranquility so high up off the ground (for me that's truly amazing since I have a huge fear of heights.)

Every once in a while I want to let go and be saved by someone, but then I feel childish. We to have to be our own superheroes...no one else is going to swoop in and take me away from this world on those days that are particularly trying...besides there are more and more days lately when I'd rather be saving someone or something...doing so much more than I am right now with my life and finding a real purpose beyond just existing.

Now if only there were a chapter in here regarding getting rid of feelings for someone...

I really need this book!!

"Their alternative? Put doing good over feeling good and “respect what you do with your feelings, not what they do to you.” So even when you’re forced to live with powerful emotions like envy, anger, fear and disappointment, they needn’t distract you from your regular goals, like avoiding unnecessary conflict, making a living and being a good, decent human."--Read more: The Ultimate Anti-Self-Help Book | Books | PureWow Books 
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http://www.elle.com/culture/books/a30207/fuck-feelings-book-review/

good advice...

Where do you go when the person you confide in about the person you have feelings for becomes someone you care for just as much as the first person? If that does not make any sense to you, it is because it does not to me, either :(

Back in March, I made a new friend, someone, over time, I have become completely relaxed with, telling so many things to (including things I have never told anyone else before) and correspond with back and forth and learn things from and just feel so comfortable with and now...now I am both so happy and so confused. It is funny (not ha-ha funny, of course) how the thought of losing a dear friendship can hurt more than unrequited love can, when you originally thought that was the most painful thing in the world.

I know this makes no sense posting this here, nor is it even really appropriate, but I am afraid to tell this to the person I would normally confide in about this...and I have to get this out somewhere. 

Her friendship has become so important to me and I like her so much and I think I am afraid of losing our friendship because I feel like I do not deserve something (and someone) so wonderful in my life...and something that feels so ethereal and beautiful and even magical can also be something you worry could disappear at any moment, no matter how much you trust the person behind the friendship.

I wish I were enough. If I could write decent poetry, that would be the first line to the unwritten poem that is in my heart right now. Trust me when I say I am a bad poet. A few years ago I found some poetry I had written in a old journal of mine and it was really, really, really bad. Awful. An insult to the word poetry itself.

How painful and almost even odd, then, to have the words in your heart but not the ability to beautifully express them. How even more painful and odder to befriend someone and grow to care about her very, very much and not have the words or the right heart to help her heal because only a certain someone has the power to make her happy and, as much as you would like to be, you just are not that someone. (And you, yourself, are also pining for someone else.)

When you really care about someone you want so much to help them, to take away their pain and heartache and see them really, really, really happy. You know, if you are going to be brutally honest with yourself, that you wish you could be enough for them because you want them to feel the way about you you do about them. But you also (because, truly there is also a completely unselfish side to caring about this person you like so much) wish you could be enough so that they could stop thinking (just like you wish you could) about who they cannot know more and be happy to have you and then the both of you could be more than enough for each other.

And this, this, is why I cannot open my heart and let the words pour out right...because they splatter all over the place and make so very little sense and only add to the confusion.

I am totally smitten with actress Lin Shaye, not in a crush way (though there would be nothing wrong with that, I am sure) but in a 'I would just love to sit down and talk with her over tea' kind of way. She is the only reason the first two "Insidious" movies are any good at all and a huge and wonderfully subdued force behind the much, much better and nicely restrained "Insidious 3," where she has a much more central role.

Her acting gives all three movies a touching sincerity and vulnerability that is seriously lacking in so many horror movies, both the good ones and the bad. And yet her character "Elise" is also amazingly strong in the most wonderful and quiet of ways. In real life, you would just love to have this woman on your side...her character's understated way of caring deeply for the people who come into her life and the way she can take on anything, no matter how much she struggles with it at first.

Lin Shaye is the kind of actress you are just in awe of and in a Hollywood where actresses over the age of 40 do not always get starring roles (AND ones where they are the hero) it is just terrific to see her clearly enjoying her job and making it something so very believable...not always an easy thing to do (as in the case of the first two "Insidious" movies) when things can get a bit garish and, sometimes, even silly. 

"Insidious 3" is a prequel and can stand alone if you have not seen the first and second ones and I am so pleasantly surprised by just how good it is. 

Voltaire once said that uncertainty is an uncomfortable position, but certainty is an absurd one. He is right for so many reasons, but for me no more so than because taking this position in matters of love and the heart is very wise, no matter how unromantic it may be.

Uncertainty can leave room for hope where being certain (through what you own eyes see and knowing the facts of the case) can not. There may be flickers in one's heart of "oh, maybe that person does like me" but that is all they are...flickers. Romance novels and tv shows and movies seem to suggest that it is better to reach out and take the chance than to not. But that is a huge mistake that will leave you with more than egg on your face and the other person possibly never talking to you again.

I really, really do not think we can help what we feel in our hearts for someone else, I truly, truly do not. If we could, I think many of us would have exorcised the pain we have a long, long, long time ago. Our hearts may not be able to stop reminding us with their annoyingly active thump, thump, thumps how we feel about someone else BUT our mouths can certainly keep quiet about it all. And for those of us who know beyond certain that our feelings are not returned, well that is not only the sensible thing to do, it is the ONLY thing to do.

Those romantic works of art also like to suggest that there's always a chance (though really a chance is just a flicker) that that someone else could actually like us back. Maybe. (Can I emphasize maybe enough?) But the chances that they do not feel the same, that the gut instinct, that little voice inside us screaming to keep quiet...well, the chances are much higher that the voice of reason, not the voice of the heart should be listened to, at all costs. That little flicker of uncertainty may always hurt, but short of someone directly telling you how she feels, showing very outwardly and with much enthusiasm that she likes you, too, uncertainty is always better.

It may sound cynical, even rather cruel, but I think forging ahead on nothing but hope can hurt everybody in the end. The weird thing is (the really, really weird and painful and somehow even beautiful thing) is that the silly voice of the heart still will not shush long after the brain and the mouth know better :(

"Love is just delayed pain, isn't it?" asks a character in the surprisingly good and often poignant "Insidious 3." And I would have to agree. She goes on to say we lose someone we love one way or another. Something about being fragile right now and up late with too many thoughts makes this (for me) one of the scariest lines in the movie. It keeps rolling around in my head for some reason.

And the really scary thing is knowing we can't stop loving even if we wanted to...



...which kind of connects to other pains that come with love, like caring for someone who just does not feel the same way and having to see them on a constant basis :( Though this is geared for people who are actually in a reciprocal relationship and then break up, a lot of what is here can still help with the struggles that come with seeing someone you care for on a regular basis and the hurt that goes with that:

http://www.wikihow.com/Get-Over-Someone-You-Have-to-See-Every-Day

This almost always makes me smile..."Kooks" by David Bowie

[CHORUS (x2)]
Will you stay in our Lovers' Story
If you stay you won't be sorry
'Cause we believe in you
Soon you'll grow so take a chance
With a couple of Kooks
Hung up on romancing

We bought a lot of things
to keep you warm and dry
And a funny old crib on which the paint won't dry
I bought you a pair of shoes
A trumpet you can blow
And a book of rules
On what to say to people
when they pick on you
'Cause if you stay with us you're gonna be pretty Kookie too

[CHORUS]

And if you ever have to go to school
Remember how they messed up
this old fool
Don't pick fights with the bullies
or the cads
'Cause I'm not much cop at punching other people's Dads
And if the homework brings you down
Then we'll throw it on the fire
And take the car downtown

[CHORUS (repeat ad inf.)]

Writer(s): David Bowie
Copyright: Tintoretto Music, Chrysalis Music Ltd.

I love absolutely "Kooks" by David Bowie. On an eerily quiet and somber evening, this song on my headphones injects a little much-needed goofiness into my heart. There apparently is not always a lot of love for this song and I really like this defense for it on a comments section on an article about the album it is from "Hunky Dory":

 Still can't fathom the dislike of "Kooks" and "Fill Your Heart". At least give Bowie credit for having the courage to try unabashed innocence, romance and yes, even a bit of silliness. Bowie has rarely, if ever, been that lighthearted since.

Here are some interesting tidbits about the song:


http://www.songfacts.com/detail.php?id=7882

The most recent episode of "The Big Bang Theory" touched rather well, I think, on fearing change and the possible loss of friendship. That the episode focused on Sheldon being the one to worry about this made it all the more powerful, despite all the comedic flair.

This line in particular really got to me and if only it were possible, what great advice it would be:

I realized I've become too emotionally vulnerable, so, like an operating system, I'm restoring my life to the last stable version.

 

 



Oh my gosh, this writing from the below blog is just so amazing and beautiful and achingly familiar:

As a child she felt alone. She was alone. She turned her longing for connection into mock group therapy sessions for her stuffed animals, lined at the foot of her bed. “So, elephant”, she inquired, “what do you think about this story? How do you think the characters felt at the end of the book?” This type of playfulness exhibited her imaginative inner life and gave birth to an intimacy and connectedness she yearned for in actuality. Otherwise, in the context of the real people in her home, she felt stranded. Her house was missing key elements that she desperately needed to thrive: attunement, curiosity, reflection, unfettered fun.

 http://themanifeststation.net/2015/08/14/on-wishing-things-were-different/