I think I have been mistaking repression for absence, if that makes sense..that my wanting so much for something to be gone does not make it gone, but instead leaves behind this intensely sad exhaustion. 

Whenever LGBTQA+ issues are in the news I feel so frustrated, even distraught. 

I get that I should not like someone the way I do, especially when they do not feel the same way and it is totally inappropriate. 

I get that there are millions and millions, most likely billions, of people who do not think the LGBTQA+ community should have any rights at all, or worse, that those billions just hate us, even (in some cases) want us dead. 

Knowing all of that, though, has not helped me fight who I am and I am just too defeated; if I keep trying to fight I don't think I will make it. 

People are who they are and if they are not hurting anyone, they should be able to go on that way. As much as I find myself pulled down by the anti-gay rhetoric and vitriol out there I also feel a bit better when I read commentaries like this one:


https://www.chicagotribune.com/columns/mary-schmich/ct-met-mary-schmich-supreme-court-gay-transgender-cases-20191009-xkfhktag4bdstoqcbzxdnzos2y-story.html

My heart has hit a wall and that is fine with me. For the first time in seven years I feel like I am in possession of how weak I am when it comes to my feelings and I am so grateful for that. 

Why now? I wonder and what do I do about all that wasted time I spent pining so ridiculously for someone so out of my orbit and so not appropriate to even have emotions for in the first place. The fact that this person is amazing and very worthy of being liked so much really has nothing to do with it at all.

Like a steady pain that is not quite as bad or as strong as it used to be this heartache is pretty much now manageable. And I am just going to accept it from now on and not question why I no longer feel despair that someone I like so much is never going to be my friend. 

Why seek out answers I no longer really find myself asking. I am just going to let it go and thoroughly be grateful I can, even if the price to be paid is a heart that feels more and more like it is made of stone (in all areas, not just this one) than one that is burst to overflowing with every feeling imaginable.

There is only one place I ever want to be and that is at home with my cat. I even have a coffee mug that says, "I just want to be a stay at home cat mom" and is that ever the truth! No person, no place has ever made me feel at home as I do when I'm with my cat. 

I don't think there is necessarily anything wrong with this, in and of itself, but, more and more lately, I am finding it hard to function well when I have to be away from him and that is not so normal. 

Even now, on a very quick break at work which I shouldn't be taking anyway as I am behind, all I can do is think how much longer it is until I'll see him again.

The past few days I have been thinking somewhat of high school, which is very odd for me as I like to not ever think of it, whenever possible. 

Unlike my sister (who was very popular back then and who would immediately hop in a time machine and go back right now if she could) I sooner jump into a living version of Dante's Inferno. 

I've been trying to figure out why my mind has gone back to the late 80s and I think it's because of a commercial that has been in heavy rotation lately. It features the hit song "Is This Love?" by Whitesnake and I shudder every time it comes on television.

The year the song came out I was in the midst of the worst crush of my life and I was dealing with trying to understand how it was possible for a girl to have feelings for another girl. 

Not everyone is okay with that!

Some people will speak as though they are speaking for everyone and very few things drive me more up the wall than this. 

Take, for instance, women who say they don't mind if people smell their hair or touch them (either sexually or non-sexually) or kiss their hands. They make it sound as if people who do have a problem with this are the ones with the problem and I just don't think that is the case.

The older I get, the less I like to be touched, especially unexpectedly and without invitation. It amazes me that some people have absolutely no idea of boundaries, both emotional and physical, though right now I am thinking mostly of the latter. Working in the public, I can say that it is even more amazing how few strangers get this.

What follows below is one of the best articles I have ever seen on personal space and what to do if it is invaded:


https://www.printfriendly.com/p/g/2VR8qq


I tried to directly paste the article here, but it ends up showing very oddly.

The most important and reassuring aspect I found is right here (referring to someone who calls you on your not like being touched):

She may respond with, “Well, that’s just how I am,” at which point your response can be: “And this is how I am. Please respect that.”



"Please respect that." Three simple words that should be taken to heart by the personal spoken to and truly (truly) followed.

If there is one thing it has taken me a long time to realize, it's that you don't owe anyone an explanation for how you feel (or don't feel). What you do owe someone is to not express how you feel if your feelings concern them, no matter if it is negatively or positively, and these feelings are out of perspective to what your relationship is in fact, not fancy.

Recently I have been trying to take a more assertive role in managing my own well being and happiness. I realize, as I have always known, but never been very good at, that I alone am responsible for what happens in my life and that it is up to me to do better and not give in to my emotions. 

Oddly enough, it is science fiction (of all the genres I read and watch) that has most often helped me in this regard.

Last night I decided to start streaming the original "Star Trek" series. I know lots about it, from popular culture and friends, but have never actually seen it. 

I am four episodes in and marveling at how ahead of its time it was and how it is about so much more than space travel and other worlds.

Having had two glasses of wine by the time I got to the episode entitled "Charlie X," I was already a bit emotional to begin with, internally and quietly. 

Charlie is a character you almost sympathize with at first. He finds himself out of sorts when he is suddenly taken on board the Enterprise to be handed off for transport to Earth (I hope I have the plot right, I was both tired and not thinking very clearly at this point). He had already felt ostracized and targeted for teasing, from his previous travels, though we will quickly come to see this is through not fault but his own.

As the story unravels, the viewer realizes that Charlie is terribly, terribly troubled and self-absorbed and in the throws of a teenage angst that seems to go way beyond normal. Our sympathy soon vanishes as we realize just how destructive and selfish Charlie is and that he will do the most horrible things to get what he wants.

I have to say before I go on that I know exactly how it feels to have feelings for someone who does not feel the same way. If that alone were what is going on with Charlie in this story line he'd have my empathy, 100 percent. 

But Charlie, just as happens in real life with real people, just doesn't stop there. He insists that everyone comply with him, that he should get his way, no matter what. Unlike those of us who know to remain quiet and do our very best not to let on how we feel, he moves like a demonic bulldozer with the woman he likes and anyone else he sees as someone who should agree with him. Captain Kirk's patience, his wanting to show Charlie the right ways versus the wrong, fall unheeded.

This part of the dialogue is my favorite and speaks to me, even though Charlie is pretty much nothing more than a seventeen year old child who never learns his lesson and is most likely mistaking hormones for love:

CHARLIE: Everything I do or say is wrong. I'm in the way, I don't know the rules, and when I learn something and try to do it, suddenly I'm wrong! 
KIRK: Now wait, wait. 
CHARLIE: I don't know what I am or what I'm supposed to be, or even who. I don't know why I hurt so much inside all the time. 
KIRK: You'll live, believe me. There's nothing wrong with you that hasn't gone wrong with every other human male since the model first came up. 
CHARLIE: What if you care for someone? What do you do? 
KIRK: You go slow. You be gentle. I mean, it's not a one-way street, you know, how you feel and that's all. It's how the girl feels, too. Don't press, Charlie. If the girl feels anything for you at all, you'll know it. Do you understand? 
CHARLIE: You don't think Janice. You. She could love me! 
KIRK: She's not the girl, Charlie. The years are wrong, for one thing, and there are other things. 
CHARLIE: She can.
KIRK: No, Charlie. 
CHARLIE: She is. 
KIRK: No.
CHARLIE: But if I did what you said! If I was gentle! 
KIRK: Charlie, there are a million things in this universe you can have and there are a million things you can't have. It's no fun facing that, but that's the way things are. 
CHARLIE: Then what am I going to do? 
KIRK: Hang on tight and survive. Everybody does. 
CHARLIE: You don't. 
KIRK: Everybody, Charlie. Me, too.      * (see below)



I am pretty sure I have never given myself away when it comes to unrequited feelings for someone, but watching "Charlie X" has made me even more determined to never, ever, ever be anything but the most professional and distantly polite I can be. Because Kirk has it so spot on I could cry: 

There are a million things in this universe you can have and there are a million things you can't have. It's no fun facing that, but that's the way things are. 











*
You would think that having felt something similar in such a strong way that you would have sympathy for someone in (pretty much) the same boat. Until recently, I had never had the opposite version of this happen to me (someone feeling something unrequited for me). At first I had lots of patience and wanted to be as nice as possible when the person confided her feelings. I tried very hard and for very long to be as empathetic as I could.

But there comes a point where if that person continues to say things, despite your firmly but (hopefully) kindly explaining that you don't feel the same that things would improve and she would understand some things can't be made to happen...that visibly expressing sadness and even a subtle kind of anger that you know is harmless, but still somehow alarming, are certainly not helping. I so dislike saying this, but I have to question if it really is possible to remain friends with someone when there are very complicated one-sided feelings involved.

I cannot find the words to say that being the object of unrequited feelings is almost as heartbreaking as having unrequited feelings for someone else. I'm not sure any of this makes sense...I just know that I have to put it down somehow and that I cannot. I do know, however, that this has taught me something vital and that I will remain forever careful in managing my own feelings.

It's very rare (I think) to meet someone whom you feel really understands and gets you and who is kind and patient enough to listen and truly respond to what you say. I think that is why I (as pathetic as this must sound) still think about the person who ghosted me.

For three and a half years we talked about all kinds of things and related to each other in matters (at least I thought so at the time) we had never discussed with anyone else before.

Though time has gone on, I remain sad about this loss and I feel embarrassed and disappointed with myself about this, but it's the truth. I have a few friends that I feel comfortable with, but no one with whom I talk with like I did this person.

Like me, this person also struggled with feelings for someone in a way that was heartbreaking and though that was our biggest connection and inadvertently how we met, we had many more things in common. We could discuss spirituality, for instance, without complications or judgment and she was okay with me being gay.

Not too long ago, I was chatting with someone in a forum specifically for dealing with ghosting issues and he told me that since closure was pretty much impossible I had to think in terms of having been fortunate enough to have had the time I did with her. In that respect I agree, but I still cannot shake the worry of what happened to her and what I did wrong and whether I will ever find that kind of friendship again.

Lately, I feel like the "Q" in LGBTQ just as much as I do the "L," the Q part being I question why I don't want to read lesfic anymore, why some of it even turns me off, more than I care to admit. I know I'm a lesbian, even though I don't want to be, but I'm not sure I'm the kind of lesbian you think of when you think of lesbians.

I ask myself: would I still be wary of and avoid physical contact if I were pretty and not so rigid in how I feel about intimacy strictly being for marriage? I firmly believe (no matter what) in love coming before sex and in loving being fulfilled in that way only in the most committed and deep of relationships, which (to me) comes through marriage.

Still, there is a large amount of discomfort and extreme guilt within me when I read detailed "love scenes" in lesfic. The casual sex ones especially bother me, though even the loving "we waited to get to know each other" ones can alarm me.

This is not politically correct to say, but I have never been okay with my being gay. I still believe I'm going to Hell someday, even though I have never "acted" on my feelings. 

To hold one to committed celibacy is something I can understand conservative Christians expecting, but I also see a problem with that because I think being gay is about much more than sex and "acting on" any kind of physical desire.

I used to believe in the power of journaling and that it could be as close to therapy without actually going to therapy. I would write myself out of my pain, I told myself, and things would change. But no amount of self-analysis, no amount of the most sincere and authentic words, onscreen or on paper, can change how you feel when it's as if the feelings are deeply, deeply imbedded inside you. 

I want to stop feeling this way about the person I feel so much for...I know I am being completely ridiculous, that there are other kinds of intense pain much more worthy, if that makes sense. There are people out in the world, people I know personally, who are deeply suffering for very concrete, very real reasons and yet I am in pain over someone who would most likely be horrified if she knew, someone I can't even call a friend.

It's amazing, though (I think) how much better you can get at hiding how you feel, at hiding the things that bother and hurt you beyond repair, how you can go on long after you don't want to go on. Not just with unrequited emotions, but with other ones as well. People may think you're fine, they even comment on how happy you look, but inside you're completely different. 

This is, for the most part, pretty good. As long as you're not bottling things up, I think it's important to put your game face on and try and get through the day as best you can. It's better to come across as a Tigger than it is an Eeyore. 

I don't say this lightly nor condescendingly, as someone once said this to me when I was really down and not even bothering to hide it...and for me this was the equivalent of being told to "calm down," which I find to be one of the most absolute, absolute worst things to tell someone, right up there with "chin up" or "it'll get better, smile."

The thing is, though, it really is better to be a Tigger than an Eeyore...it's just a matter of finding the strength and the power to get there and that is very, very, very hard.

I feel like I was rather harsh (and also a hypocrite) in my last post...and I just want to say today that I don't think it is ever good to put yourself before someone else, especially if that someone is suffering. The thing is I have been in a place I do not want to be for quite a while now and I want to change that and I think that maybe becoming stoic, cold-hearted and/or falling into self-preservation mode is how I am handing it.

Part of my coping has changed since I lost a friend I really cared about, or rather a three year friendship I really cared about since I'm hoping there is nothing "past" about her...with "ghosting" you never really know what happened, but I am hoping that nothing happened to her. I'm also continuing to have feelings for someone I work with and that has not gotten any better. I would give anything to be Spock and to have either no emotions at all or much, much better control over the ones I do have.

Through no tacit intentions that I am aware of, neither of us talk to each other anymore and my heart silently breaks over this, even if we were never friends in the first place and I've had more than enough time to get used to it. I worry she knows though I have never ever told her and have always (at least I had hoped so) been very vigilant about this. Despite how Hollywood would have you think it, not everyone is receptive to hearing you have feelings for them, especially unrequited ones. 

I know the person I like would not be one of them and this is, of course, the way it should be. Having feelings for a married, straight coworker is one of the worst set of feelings a lesbian could ever, ever have and they should never, never be vocalized or be put forth in any other kind of way.

Most people, I am sure, would say "snap out of it" and I would agree with them, except that I have tried this and more and done everything I can think of to move on emotionally. Last year I confided in a friend outside of work about it and she looked at me like I was out of mind, which, I suppose, I kind of am.

I would say my new year's resolution is to get over it all, but this has been my new year's resolution for the past seven years. Really, really pathetic, I know, that I continue to go on like this, in spirit and emotion. The thing is, though, is that the heart is very hard to reckon with and it has a mind of its own, or so it seems. 

Until things change for the better (and I am determined that they will, no matter how long it takes), I am going to take the advice from the above photo and do my very best to follow it while still not being a cold fish.

Emotional vampires don't see themselves in mirrors...

Because I had preconceived notions about _Sam_, I have to say I am pleasantly surprised that I am still thinking about it and also by how much it is both kind of "trashy" and still an important read. Lonnie Coleman's writing reminds me a lot of Jacqueline Susann's and I like that. What is far more striking for me, though, is how there are several different passages that speak to me, as if directly, reminding me that no matter how different the main character may be from you, there are still universal things that hit you with both reassurance (i.e. "you are not alone") and uncomfortable truth.

A lot of drama revolves around Sam's life and the people in it, some of which is very upsetting and even jarring. I tend to shy away from high theatrics, but Lonnie Coleman has a witty way with words, "gets" cats (Andrew is one of the most delightful non-human characters to ever appear in a novel) and can wow you with unexpectedly tender scenes.

One passage, in particular, really affects and if you find yourself ever dealing with histrionics or any kind of behavior from another person that continually weighs you down no matter how much you help that person, keep in mind this: "One thing you have to learn right off in this life: you're not responsible for anybody but yourself. That doesn't mean you shouldn't be kind--and nice, but it does mean you aren't to blame if somebody uses you as the excuse {substitute any self-destructive behavior here}"

This may sound harsh, but I find it very soothing because one thing "emotional vampires"* (some of which appear in this book) can do is make other people feel bad for the things they themselves do. Life is hard enough without continually having to deal with those who use manipulation to keep you tethered to them in the most unhealthy of ways. I took this (and more away from _Sam_) and am glad that I had the chance to read such a rocky and well-written tale, where anything can happen and does.

*"Emotional vampires" is a term I first heard of a few years ago when I was doing some research on dealing with difficult people. I could not believe how familiar some of the "types" were to me and when I finished reading _Sam_ and thought back on some things the quote I make reference to really, really hit me hard, yet also helped me. I firmly believe we should be there for people, but I also feel that there are "toxic" people (even amongst our families) we deserve to be free from when they create nothing but hardship and heartache. I don't think it's selfish, but more a matter of self-care. What follows below is an excellent article--along with some very heartfelt and perceptive comments--on the subject, focusing on the five main types of emotional vampires:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/emotional-freedom/201101/the-5-types-emotional-vampires-in-your-life