Lately, I feel like the "Q" in LGBTQ just as much as I do the "L," the Q part being I question why I don't want to read lesfic anymore, why some of it even turns me off, more than I care to admit. I know I'm a lesbian, even though I don't want to be, but I'm not sure I'm the kind of lesbian you think of when you think of lesbians.

I ask myself: would I still be wary of and avoid physical contact if I were pretty and not so rigid in how I feel about intimacy strictly being for marriage? I firmly believe (no matter what) in love coming before sex and in loving being fulfilled in that way only in the most committed and deep of relationships, which (to me) comes through marriage.

Still, there is a large amount of discomfort and extreme guilt within me when I read detailed "love scenes" in lesfic. The casual sex ones especially bother me, though even the loving "we waited to get to know each other" ones can alarm me.

This is not politically correct to say, but I have never been okay with my being gay. I still believe I'm going to Hell someday, even though I have never "acted" on my feelings. 

To hold one to committed celibacy is something I can understand conservative Christians expecting, but I also see a problem with that because I think being gay is about much more than sex and "acting on" any kind of physical desire.