Lately I have been recording and re-watching "Monk" on the Hallmark Mystery Channel. It is comforting to watch on particularly difficult nights of sleeping. One episode, in particular, reminds me of why Monk's character is more than just his quirks and idiosyncrasies and why Tony Shalhoub is such a gifted and wonderful actor.

In the episode I am thinking of Monk and his therapist, Dr. Kroger, are talking about his late wife Trudy. Trudy is essential to the show's 'mythology' and to who Monk is and who he has become, even though she is only seen in photos and one major appearance in an episode that is not what it seems. In the scene that I saw again for the first time in years the other night there is this incredibly touching and vulnerable moment where Dr. Kroger is asking Monk to talk about his relationship with his late wife, in terms of intimacy.

Monk refuses to talk about it and, instead, offers to sing show tones with Dr. Kroger. Appropriately enough (and with an odd, but endearing sweetness that is heartbreaking) Monk sings "If Ever I Would Leave You" from Camelot. It is a beautifully sad moment and an amazing reminder that Monk is more than his OCD and not just a one trick pony or only capable of being annoying to people in his life, including his friends, who sometimes lose their patience with him.

I could be reading into this moment way too much, but I see it as a very rare and special one for any form of entertainment, much less tv, and especially in a world that places far too much importance on sex and talking about it so much. It is a lovely reminder (I think) that not all things are meant to be talked about and that some people (in this case, especially Monk) never ever ever get over losing someone they love and hold on to their memories as something to be treasured and never shared with anyone else. It is because of seemingly small moments like this one that Monk ended up being one of my favorite shows of the 00s and still remains one I adore.

The most recent issue of Psychology Today is full of helpful articles, including one on managing extremes and finding a more moderate way of life and feeling.

One particular part of the article hit me so hard I felt both shame that I may be like what they are describing and hope that this may be just the slap in the face I need to (truly) show me that what I have been feeling for almost five years is absolute madness. 

I am so glad that I never once did or said anything about my feelings for this person, but I am still deeply troubled by the words below because they just hit way too close and even though I am not obsessive about it and believe my feelings are genuine and ones of caring and not bad I really, really do not want to be this way:

My deepest regret is not that the person I like does not feel the same way (that's always been a no-brainer not only because she is totally outside my league, whatever that expression really means, but because I do not register on her radar at all and the circumstances involved make it impossible even for the most casual of friendships) but that I respect her immensely professionally and wish I had a better working relationship with her, completely separate from how I personally feel.