etsy.com

Sleeping At Last just released a new cover of Snow Patrol's "Chasing Cars." It's wretchedly painful to listen to, but maybe 'wretchedly' isn't the right word since this is a 'wretched' that the soul sometimes needs to unburden itself and everything about this is just gorgeous.

This is so incredibly sad it physically hurts to listen. I totally failed my 'if I can make it through without crying' I'll be fine test...it's just achingly beautiful and really unleashes something within. Make sure you're somewhere safe if you listen because you are most likely going to cry your eyes out.

I have never felt more for a bird in my entire life. At work, we have windows where trees back right up to them and all morning long this bird has been flying into the window (which doesn't open) and knocking himself up quite a bit. 

He also has been sliding down at times so that you are on eye level with him and actually see the frustration he is experiencing. Of course, this could be me projecting my feelings onto him but I do think he is very upset and my heart goes out to him. 

Even if he does think he's attacking another bird (not nice, I know) the frenzy and determination (and utter futility) of what he is doing is very troubling. It feels exactly like someone repeatedly knocking their head against a wall, which is part of what's so troubling about it.

We have tried tapping on the window when he approaches, putting up something to try and deflect the reflection that must be making him think he's seeing another bird, talking to him...but nothing works. The weird thing is even his singing sounds frustrated. I don't know how many times he can hurt himself before he does damage. :(

According to an article I found this is what is actually going on:

 http://www.wild-bird-watching.com/Cardinals-Windows.html

...Though it's a few hours later now and he is still at it and it seems so out of the ordinary, even for birds...one of my co-workers thinks the bird might have a brain injury. It seems like that could be it...but it is just so sad to witness no matter what the cause. He is on this loop that is so hard to witness.

I went outside to look closer and to see if anything could be done and this is what he looks like (I couldn't take my own picture since he is so agitated):

When I came back in a customer was watching the bird from inside and she told me it's less common for the tufted titmouse bird (above) to fly into windows repeatedly like this guy has been doing...

Even if I weren't gay and even if I weren't at odds with my parents over this issue, I know I would still support gay rights. Earlier today at work, I overheard a co-worker say something homophobic and I think it was only how tired I was and how futile I knew it would be that I didn't say anything to them. I clip news articles sometimes so I can pull them out on especially trying days and read things like this:

"His commandment is worthy — and warranted. All of us, no matter our religious traditions, should know better than to tell gay people that they’re an offense. And that’s precisely what the florists and bakers who want to turn them away are saying to them."

 http://www.nytimes.com/2015/04/05/opinion/sunday/frank-bruni-same-sex-sinners.html

There are so many real evils in this world, so many real battles to fight, I sincerely, with no malice towards the far far right or anyone else who is anti-gay, cannot understand why gay marriage (and the desire for two people to share love and grow old together) is considered one of those battles. Love is love and I firmly believe that, even when people I know and respect are telling me otherwise.

I have been thinking about solitude again and how to live with yourself when you're not sure you particularly like your own company and the things that normally take you outside of yourself are just not just holding your attention like they used to. 

This article, even more than the Post one on grace, really resonates with me today. It is so painfully true it hurts to read. Some parts just jumped right out and hit really hard:


--I want to like myself. I want to love myself. I want to be happy with my life. What I'm learning is that I'm uncomfortable in my own skin. That seems crazy to me, but it's the truth. At 42 I'm uncomfortable in the skin of a gay man. I think that has everything to do with my feelings of unworthiness and undesirability. I just don't like myself. I'm looking for outside "liking" in order to feel good about me. That's never going to cut it. I have to be proud of me: my life, my accomplishments, my choices.

The article concludes with this:

--I wish we could bottle up that time in childhood when we feared nothing and were game to try anything. Imagine being able to uncork that bottle and take a small whiff, remembering how it felt to be fearless, to not care what other people think, to know we are loved, worthy, cared for, desired.

Go ahead. Imagine that bottle. Uncork it. Breathe deeply. Find it. Find the courage. Find the confidence. I'm talking to myself here. Breathe deeply. They're there. Breathe deeply, Michael. Now live.

The rest can be read here:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/michael-rohrer/how-do-you-find-self-worth-when-you-dont-like-yourself_b_3658485.html

I have been up for hours, been out and already gotten more done in six hours than I usually do in two days. I am so antsy it's amazing I can sit down and read the paper, but I am reading it and just finished this terrific piece from the op-ed section of The Washington Post. Anything that mentions Saint Augustine (even in passing) always draws me in anyway, but I think this article has a lot to say and the book it draws from definitely sounds worth reading:


http://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/david-brookss-new-book-the-road-to-character-and-a-path-to-grace/2015/04/23/90484508-e914-11e4-aae1-d642717d8afa_story.html

Every time I read an op-ed piece or hear an interview with someone fervently (and sincerely, I believe) going on about their religious rights being trampled on when it comes to gay marriage, I actually feel (especially lately) like I am going to burst into tears.

My own parents say the most vitriolic anti-gay things, never really trying to see things from my point of view. I admit I haven't had to give up much since I never met someone who loved me back that I wanted to share my life with...but I yearn to meet someone, deep down in my heart, and they have told me more than once they would "make me" me go back to "ex-gay" therapy if I went back on my promise to never "be" gay.

Never mind that as far as I can tell from looking it up online, parents cannot place grown children in therapy against their will...never mind this, for right now. What hurts most is how they see so many things I believe in as "evil" and wrong...things that I squash down whenever I am anywhere near them or even when I'm not...they want me to be happy according to their beliefs and ideas of happiness, not mine and it really, really breaks my heart and sometimes, like tonight, I just can't go through with my promise to go visit them.

I know there are other parents like mine, parents who may or may not mean the best for their adult children, who may disagree with them on other issues besides gay marriage. They could be unhappy with their children for a host of reasons and only be willing to "be there" if their children agree with them one hundred percent. Maybe I'm wrong...but I don't think this is fair nor is it unconditional love...and if we can't have unconditional love with our own family, who can we have unconditional love with?

I wish that people who are anti-gay would truly try and understand that gays and lesbians are not out to change the world for the worse or tell far right Christians what to do or what believe...that all we really just want is to live in a world where we don't feel like a small part of us is dying each day because we're trying to be something we're not for the very people who are supposed ("supposed" in the sense that that's what parents do) to love us the most.

I don't expect my parents to accept or agree with me, I just want them to understand that I can't make myself be something I'm not...

Internally, I'm having a kind of challenging day...about a lot of things, really, but also because of the homophobic things I still often hear in my life and the things anyone can read and hear in news and commentary...one of the best articles I've ever read on what being gay is like is here, with emphasis on this part:


 Far too often Christian, when you make the statement that being gay is a sin, what you're really doing without realizing it is reducing all LGBT people down to a sex act -- as if that alone defines sexuality.

You're denying any emotional component in their lives, any capacity to feel real love or show genuine affection toward someone else.

In a gross oversimplification, you're labeling a complex, fully formed human being as merely a performer of intercourse.

That's something you would never do with heterosexuality, and especially not with your own sexuality, because you understand implicitly that your sexual orientation is about much more than a physical act. It's a much deeper part of who you are than that.

It's about far greater things than just plumbing and gymnastics.

You know that in your own life, the physical act of sex isn't the totality of your sexuality -- that it is also about affection and companionship and the desire to love and be loved. It's about who you are drawn to and attracted to and compelled to be close to.
 

I would go even further and say that a gay person can be celibate and perfectly okay with that and yet still have romantic and deep emotional feelings for someone. Being gay is no more about sex all the time (or even at all) than being straight is...We do not assume that straight people are always being physical (that they are all about the physical) so why should we about gays and lesbians?

The rest of the article can be found here:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/john-pavlovitz/yes-homosexuality-absolutely-is-a-choice_b_7106800.html?ncid=txtlnkusaolp00000592

I'm still thinking about the article on solitude from Harper's...between the revelations and superb writing it can really take hold of you. Thinking about solitude has made me think about other things as well...and on days like these, I truly believe there is no worse enemy than one's own self...and that even though it can be really hard to be alone, it is better to be alone because at least then you know you won't make a fool of yourself or unintentionally be rude or thoughtless with someone you like.

And then there is the sadness of knowing a second chance is gone for good...or even a third or fourth one, if you're lucky enough to get those. That is me, that is how it's always been with friendships I wanted more than life itself...there's a point up to where I can be okay, where they might not even dislike me and then I do something (definitely unintentional, always excruciating, that either happens in one defining moment or is a series of moments all within a day or two) that can never un-change how they see me.

It doesn't matter what my intentions are because only I truly know what they were or are...the person on the other end of my intentions can only see the bad results. And, even if they did understand, what do our good intentions matter when it's our actions and outer things that affect (and hurt) others the most?

On a related note (as far as wanting to try and just to keep quiet so I don't say or do anything out of line in the first place) I put this on hold at my local library. In a way, it's kind of nice to know there is a wait list for it...because other people must struggle too with worrying about what comes out of their mouths.

Another book that looks interesting:

And..one of my favorite songs ever kind of speaks to the pain of not being who you want to be (unless I'm totally interpreting it wrong)...

"Bittersweet Symphony" by the Verve


'Cause it's a bittersweet symphony, this life
Try to make ends meet
You're a slave to money then you die
I'll take you down the only road I've ever been down
You know the one that takes you to the places
where all the veins meet yeah,

No change, I can change
I can change, I can change
But I'm here in my mold
I am here in my mold
But I'm a million different people
from one day to the next
I can't change my mold
No, no, no, no, no

Well I never pray
But tonight I'm on my knees yeah
I need to hear some sounds that recognize the pain in me, yeah
I let the melody shine, let it cleanse my mind, I feel free now
But the airways are clean and there's nobody singing to me now

No change, I can change
I can change, I can change
But I'm here in my mold
I am here in my mold
And I'm a million different people
from one day to the next
I can't change my mold
No, no, no, no, no
I can't change
I can't change

'Cause it's a bittersweet symphony, this life
Try to make ends meet
Try to find some money then you die
I'll take you down the only road I've ever been down
You know the one that takes you to the places
where all the things meet yeah

You know I can change, I can change
I can change, I can change
But I'm here in my mold
I am here in my mold
And I'm a million different people
from one day to the next
I can't change my mold
No, no, no, no, no

I can't change my mold
no, no, no, no, no,
I can't change
Can't change my body,
no, no, no

I'll take you down the only road I've ever been down
I'll take you down the only road I've ever been down
Been down
Ever been down
Ever been down
Ever been down
Ever been down
Have you ever been down?
Have you've ever been down?

This song...I was listening to an online 80s music station this morning and I heard this for the first time and it's already stuck inside my soul...more for the music than the words, though parts of the lyrics get to me too, plus I really like the whole idea of ripping something up and starting again...

"Rip It Up" by Orange Juice

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ESy-Z8vqMrE


When I first saw you
Something stirred within me
You were standing sultry in the rain
If I could've held you
I would've held you
Rip it up and start again

Rip it up and start again
Rip it up and start again
I hope to God you're not as dumb as you make out
I hope to God
I hope to God
And I hope to God I'm not as numb as you make out
I hope to God
I hope to God

And when I next saw you
My heart reached out for you
But my arms stuck like glue to my sides
If I could've held you
I would've held you
But I'd choke rather than swallow my pride
Rip it up and start again

Rip it up and start again
Rip it up and start again
I hope to God you're not as dumb as you make out
I hope to God
I hope to God
And I hope to God I'm not as numb as you make out
I hope to God
I hope to God

And there was times I'd take my pen
And feel obliged to start again
I do profess
That there are things in life
That one can't quite express
You know me I'm acting dumb-dumb
You know this scene is very humdrum
And my favourite song's entitled 'boredom'

Rip it up and start again
I said rip it up and start again
I said rip it up and rip it up and rip it up

and rip it up and rip it up and start again


 

 

April 2015, Washingtonian

My favorite parts of the Sunday papers always used to be the wedding vows and real estate sections, both for the vicarious living and genuine happiness at seeing others find happiness. Now, somehow, reading both sometimes makes me aware of the huge gaps in my life...home and house.

 

The more I can make peace with these missing gaps (and the more I save, the more I think I can move from apartment to condo or town house) the more I can return to reading both sections.

 

Though I still believe the local newspapers have far more attainable goals, in terms of finding something affordable, I do love both Baltimore and Washingtonian magazines and the articles they often run on the "best places" to live in the area.

 

 

 

This article is just amazing...it says so much about solitude, though I'm still absorbing it all and have a lot more to take in (it's great, really, but very dense in scope.)

Besides the fact that living by yourself can sometimes be lonely, the other troublesome thing (for me, at least) is this thoughtless perception that "solitaries" (to use the author's words) somehow have it "easier" than couples or families. Not only is this not true, but other people have no idea why someone else may be living on their own or what goes on in that person's life.

We all can be lonely, no matter how we physically live. And we all can be very responsible and perpetually busy, no matter if we are partnered or not.

I hope to be back blogging soon. I feel like sometimes things fall right into our laps when we need them most. I found an amazing article the other day about making peace with a life of solitude (as in...you had hoped things would turn out differently in your single life, but they didn't), but I haven't really had time to digest it all yet and I am both asleep and awake and so loopy I'm pretty much almost ready to talk to my stuffed animals so I can't do the article any justice yet. What I most like about it so far is that it doesn't patronize or pity those walking down a solitary path. Speaking of paths, I really would like to tell insomnia to go take a hike. It can leave whenever it likes. I won't miss it one bit.

Sarabeth Tucek's Get Well Soon is a very good album for a down kind of night, or any kind, but if you're not careful, you can get sucked into it beyond what is healthy. That's how beautiful and sad it is. And there are traces of Karen Carpenter in her voice so that doesn't help the sadness factor any. But, definitely, this is worth giving a listen.

It's also one of the most painfully honest and exposed albums I think I've ever heard...especially on songs like "At The Bar" and the title track. A really great review for it follows here:

...Signing off with the title track, Get Well Soon and its creator's state of mind during the making of this album could perhaps be summed up by her own grief-stricken admission: "I knew I was sad, I'd recognised it was bad, but now looking back, I see my mind it was cracked". Where some records are maybe just too personal for public consumption, it's the uneasy fragility contained within Get Well Soon that renders it such a fascinating experience, highlighting Sarabeth Tucek as one of the most candid songwriters of her generation.

http://drownedinsound.com/releases/16211/reviews/4142617

 

I think it's going to be a long night. Insomnia both blurs things and makes them sharper. I think I liked it better when I was listening to the birds earlier. There was definitely an air of optimism in their singing.

It's like my iPhone is mocking me."So Like A Rose" shuffled onto my player just a few minutes ago and I haven't heard it in a while and I forgot how painfully gorgeous it is...it took me by surprise.

Shirley Manson's actually more detached-sounding on this than even her usual (to me, she always either sounds angry or indifferent) and yet it's that detachment that really gets to me here. Sometimes, a lack of passion is really hiding a lot.

This is one of the most oddly beautiful songs from the 2000s. It's from the album Beautiful Garbage.

 

 

So Like a Rose

Song by Garbage

Baby thinks he's dying
Lost inside his bedroom
Mommy won't stop crying
And daddy's always working

There's no going back
There's no going back
There's no going back
On this one

Baby wakes up with the sun
While everyone is sleeping
He thinks he's going crazy
But this could be the big one

There's no going back
There's no going back
There's no going back

Sleeping with ghosts
It's such a lonely experience
The stars are out tonight
Only they can hear you breathing

You're so like a rose
You're so like a rose
You're so like a rose
I wish you could stay here

 

Shuffle just put this on...I first discovered "My Fallen Angel" when I did a search for songs heavy on string instruments. I love the cello best of the string instruments (it's the most like the human voice) but the violin (featured here) is lovely too, of course. This is a simply amazing song, no matter the genre, but if you were searching for one, I guess you'd say "symphonic metal":

 

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Symphonic_metal

 

 

as seen on Pinterest

It's been a very quiet day, except for the birds singing outside. If it weren't on Kindle, I'd toss Dune to the ground, immature as that may be. The birds are taking the edge off that inclination.

There's a huge tree outside my window and with it open, I can really hear them. They actually have helped me feel better...I wasn't really in the mood for music today, but somehow their sounds are helping. They actually sound cheery. :)

Even when I hear them around 4 in the morning (they can be so loud, at times) I almost kind of like it then as well. I feel less alone with them around and you just got to admire their pluck. I could never be perky enough to sing like they do so early in the day.

Not too long ago, Wired ran something on their website about birds and their singing, specifically...in the morning:

http://www.wired.com/2014/03/birds-sing-morning/


This actually made me smile>>>

"One idea is that in the early morning, light levels are too dim for birds to do much foraging. Since light levels don’t affect social interactions as much, it’s a great opportunity to sing, instead."


Dune (and an easily distracted mind) is absolutely driving me bonkers so I just had to take a break.

I feel like I could tolerate homophobia (at least, a little better) if there were certain rules involved, like say, an anti-gay person has no right to speak out against gay marriage if they are divorced or ever cheated on their spouse or been a player (I'm not sure if people still use that word anymore, forgive me if they don't) their whole lives.

Anyone who has never loved someone else with all of their heart and soul (whether returned or not) should also not have a say in who should be "allowed" to love and who shouldn't. And, please, before you speak out against gays marrying, be sincere about whether you are a bigot or you truly feel your religious rights are infringed upon in some way.

If only we lived in a society where how much sex or how little sex or having had no sex at all, ever, would matter less…if we lived in a world where sex’s relation to love could be kept in better perspective (as in you can have love without sex, but not sex without love) and the players of the world realized there is most definitely nothing casual about it and the haters realized love is not just more important than sex, it's not about sex at all.

I’d also like to live in a world where we are more defined by whether we have loving hearts than lovely bodies. I know I'm rambling, maybe not even making sense, but I had to get that off my chest. I get so tired when anti-gay people say "homosexual" instead of "gay," drawing out the former word so that the 'sex' part is especially emphasized. and said with complete disdain.



Occasionally, Dune comes with some good advice...like:

• I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.

So I chose to read Frank Herbert's Dune for a class I'm taking through work and I simply cannot stand it.

I have tried to get into it at least half a dozen different times and have only managed about twenty pages during each attempt and now, two days before I'm supposed to have finished, I am less than half way from the end.

It's a hard book to read no matter how you feel about it, but even harder when your concentration level is not so high and you could care less about the characters and plot.

I thought looking to see what other people think about the novel (especially those who don't care for it, either) might help and there is a lot online (both good and bad).

Here are few things that jumped out at me:

-from a positive review (Jo Walton, Tor):

It’s an easy book to make fun of—ultra-baroque, ridiculously complex plotting, long pauses while people assess each other.

-On the Urban Dictionary website someone has defined "Dune" as a book that is overrated.

-This review is mostly in praise, but it does capture something I don't like about Frank Herbert's style:

George RR Martin’s hugely successful Game of Thrones novels clearly took some inspiration from Dune, right down to presenting each character’s inner thoughts as italicised sentences. It’s a style that makes Dune easy for infrequent readers to digest, but equally hard for literary readers to stomach.

http://www.theguardian.com/books/2015/jan/30/frank-herbert-dune-at-50-sci-fi-masterpiece

Oddly enough, despite how I don't like Dune, there are some quotes that are really speaking to me right now in my life. This is one of them:

“Anything outside yourself, this you can see and apply your logic to it. But it’s a human trait that when we encounter personal problems, these things most deeply personal are the most difficult to bring out for our logic to scan. We tend to flounder around, blaming everything but the actual, deep-seated thing that’s really chewing on us.”  

I really dislike quitting things so I am going to do my best to finish this today and tomorrow, but oh, what a slug-fest it feels like.

...

So, it's hours later and I'm still reading Dune (yay for reading 20 more pages and surging on) and I'm thinking wow, I still detest this book but it reminds me of "Star Wars" (which I also am not a big fan of...sci-fi sacrilege, I know) and so I go searching for that theory and find this:

http://dune2k.com/Community/Articles/StarWarsAndDune

I think it may be because I'm a little punchy from not sleeping last night and still being up now, but it felt like this big discovery, which of course is not...tons of people already knew this before me!

 

I woke up early this morning to go to the MVA, thinking it wouldn't be so crowded because of the holiday weekend. I don't know why I would believe that; the place was packed.

 

I was going to read a book for a class I'm taking at work, but instead I ended up playing with my phone and people watching, then talking with the lady waiting next to me. She came in about an hour after I'd been there and we ended up talking until my number was called.

 

And then when I went to the deli next door, after a two hour wait at the MVA, someone else talked to me for a while and I realized...I relax more around strangers than I do many people I know. And it cheered me up that I didn't have that much anxiety speaking and that maybe I just need to get out and about more and then I won't get so locked up in my own bad thinking.

 

I also talked with the man at the used book and music store in the same shopping strip and he helped me find some great things that I bought. It's the first time in a while I've really had a passion for both books and music.

 

Coming home I played my Snow Patrol Greatest Hits album and the song "Run" came on...and somehow that made me feel better, too. It's gorgeous and sad, and it usually makes me cry, but this time I found it oddly kind of uplifting, mostly because of the "light up, light up//as if you had a choice," but also because of "even if you cannot hear my voice//I'll be right beside you dear."

 

 

 

 

"Run"

I'll sing it one last time for you
Then we really have to go
You've been the only thing that's right
In all I've done

And I can barely look at you
But every single time I do
I know we'll make it anywhere
Away from here

Light up, light up
As if you have a choice
Even if you cannot hear my voice
I'll be right beside you dear

Louder louder
And we'll run for our lives
I can hardly speak I understand
Why you can't raise your voice to say

To think I might not see those eyes
Makes it so hard not to cry
And as we say our long goodbye
I nearly do

Light up, light up
As if you have a choice
Even if you cannot hear my voice
I'll be right beside you dear

Louder louder
And we'll run for our lives
I can hardly speak I understand
Why you can't raise your voice to say

Slower slower
We don't have time for that
All I want's to find an easy way
To get out of our little heads

Have heart, my dear
We're bound to be afraid
Even if it's just for a few days
Making up for all this mess

Light up, light up
As if you have a choice
Even if you cannot hear my voice
I'll be right beside you dear



This is something new I got. I hope it lives  up to its name today! It certainly sounds promising!

 

Claudia Rankine. Source: Wikipedia

 

 

This book is wonderful...it's the only thing I've been able to put my mind on this week that wasn't related to work. It's half prose, half poetry and all terrific.

It's not necessarily traditional wonderful, it's actually quite painful to read at times, but I use "wonderful" because this book's stark and real and sometimes all too relatable.

I need to post the section on insomnia which is both heartbreaking and funny, but here are some highlights:

IMH: The Inability To Maintain Hope