I'm still thinking about the article on solitude from Harper's...between the revelations and superb writing it can really take hold of you. Thinking about solitude has made me think about other things as well...and on days like these, I truly believe there is no worse enemy than one's own self...and that even though it can be really hard to be alone, it is better to be alone because at least then you know you won't make a fool of yourself or unintentionally be rude or thoughtless with someone you like.
And then there is the sadness of knowing a second chance is gone for good...or even a third or fourth one, if you're lucky enough to get those. That is me, that is how it's always been with friendships I wanted more than life itself...there's a point up to where I can be okay, where they might not even dislike me and then I do something (definitely unintentional, always excruciating, that either happens in one defining moment or is a series of moments all within a day or two) that can never un-change how they see me.
It doesn't matter what my intentions are because only I truly know what they were or are...the person on the other end of my intentions can only see the bad results. And, even if they did understand, what do our good intentions matter when it's our actions and outer things that affect (and hurt) others the most?
On a related note (as far as wanting to try and just to keep quiet so I don't say or do anything out of line in the first place) I put this on hold at my local library. In a way, it's kind of nice to know there is a wait list for it...because other people must struggle too with worrying about what comes out of their mouths.
Another book that looks interesting:
And..one of my favorite songs ever kind of speaks to the pain of not being who you want to be (unless I'm totally interpreting it wrong)...
"Bittersweet Symphony" by the Verve
'Cause it's a bittersweet symphony, this life
Try to make ends meet
You're a slave to money then you die
I'll take you down the only road I've ever been down
You know the one that takes you to the places
where all the veins meet yeah,
No change, I can change
I can change, I can change
But I'm here in my mold
I am here in my mold
But I'm a million different people
from one day to the next
I can't change my mold
No, no, no, no, no
Well I never pray
But tonight I'm on my knees yeah
I need to hear some sounds that recognize the pain in me, yeah
I let the melody shine, let it cleanse my mind, I feel free now
But the airways are clean and there's nobody singing to me now
No change, I can change
I can change, I can change
But I'm here in my mold
I am here in my mold
And I'm a million different people
from one day to the next
I can't change my mold
No, no, no, no, no
I can't change
I can't change
'Cause it's a bittersweet symphony, this life
Try to make ends meet
Try to find some money then you die
I'll take you down the only road I've ever been down
You know the one that takes you to the places
where all the things meet yeah
You know I can change, I can change
I can change, I can change
But I'm here in my mold
I am here in my mold
And I'm a million different people
from one day to the next
I can't change my mold
No, no, no, no, no
I can't change my mold
no, no, no, no, no,
I can't change
Can't change my body,
no, no, no
I'll take you down the only road I've ever been down
I'll take you down the only road I've ever been down
Been down
Ever been down
Ever been down
Ever been down
Ever been down
Have you ever been down?
Have you've ever been down?
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