I feel like I was rather harsh (and also a hypocrite) in my last post...and I just want to say today that I don't think it is ever good to put yourself before someone else, especially if that someone is suffering. The thing is I have been in a place I do not want to be for quite a while now and I want to change that and I think that maybe becoming stoic, cold-hearted and/or falling into self-preservation mode is how I am handing it.

Part of my coping has changed since I lost a friend I really cared about, or rather a three year friendship I really cared about since I'm hoping there is nothing "past" about her...with "ghosting" you never really know what happened, but I am hoping that nothing happened to her. I'm also continuing to have feelings for someone I work with and that has not gotten any better. I would give anything to be Spock and to have either no emotions at all or much, much better control over the ones I do have.

Through no tacit intentions that I am aware of, neither of us talk to each other anymore and my heart silently breaks over this, even if we were never friends in the first place and I've had more than enough time to get used to it. I worry she knows though I have never ever told her and have always (at least I had hoped so) been very vigilant about this. Despite how Hollywood would have you think it, not everyone is receptive to hearing you have feelings for them, especially unrequited ones. 

I know the person I like would not be one of them and this is, of course, the way it should be. Having feelings for a married, straight coworker is one of the worst set of feelings a lesbian could ever, ever have and they should never, never be vocalized or be put forth in any other kind of way.

Most people, I am sure, would say "snap out of it" and I would agree with them, except that I have tried this and more and done everything I can think of to move on emotionally. Last year I confided in a friend outside of work about it and she looked at me like I was out of mind, which, I suppose, I kind of am.

I would say my new year's resolution is to get over it all, but this has been my new year's resolution for the past seven years. Really, really pathetic, I know, that I continue to go on like this, in spirit and emotion. The thing is, though, is that the heart is very hard to reckon with and it has a mind of its own, or so it seems. 

Until things change for the better (and I am determined that they will, no matter how long it takes), I am going to take the advice from the above photo and do my very best to follow it while still not being a cold fish.

Emotional vampires don't see themselves in mirrors...

Because I had preconceived notions about _Sam_, I have to say I am pleasantly surprised that I am still thinking about it and also by how much it is both kind of "trashy" and still an important read. Lonnie Coleman's writing reminds me a lot of Jacqueline Susann's and I like that. What is far more striking for me, though, is how there are several different passages that speak to me, as if directly, reminding me that no matter how different the main character may be from you, there are still universal things that hit you with both reassurance (i.e. "you are not alone") and uncomfortable truth.

A lot of drama revolves around Sam's life and the people in it, some of which is very upsetting and even jarring. I tend to shy away from high theatrics, but Lonnie Coleman has a witty way with words, "gets" cats (Andrew is one of the most delightful non-human characters to ever appear in a novel) and can wow you with unexpectedly tender scenes.

One passage, in particular, really affects and if you find yourself ever dealing with histrionics or any kind of behavior from another person that continually weighs you down no matter how much you help that person, keep in mind this: "One thing you have to learn right off in this life: you're not responsible for anybody but yourself. That doesn't mean you shouldn't be kind--and nice, but it does mean you aren't to blame if somebody uses you as the excuse {substitute any self-destructive behavior here}"

This may sound harsh, but I find it very soothing because one thing "emotional vampires"* (some of which appear in this book) can do is make other people feel bad for the things they themselves do. Life is hard enough without continually having to deal with those who use manipulation to keep you tethered to them in the most unhealthy of ways. I took this (and more away from _Sam_) and am glad that I had the chance to read such a rocky and well-written tale, where anything can happen and does.

*"Emotional vampires" is a term I first heard of a few years ago when I was doing some research on dealing with difficult people. I could not believe how familiar some of the "types" were to me and when I finished reading _Sam_ and thought back on some things the quote I make reference to really, really hit me hard, yet also helped me. I firmly believe we should be there for people, but I also feel that there are "toxic" people (even amongst our families) we deserve to be free from when they create nothing but hardship and heartache. I don't think it's selfish, but more a matter of self-care. What follows below is an excellent article--along with some very heartfelt and perceptive comments--on the subject, focusing on the five main types of emotional vampires:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/emotional-freedom/201101/the-5-types-emotional-vampires-in-your-life