I feel like I was rather harsh (and also a hypocrite) in my last post...and I just want to say today that I don't think it is ever good to put yourself before someone else, especially if that someone is suffering. The thing is I have been in a place I do not want to be for quite a while now and I want to change that and I think that maybe becoming stoic, cold-hearted and/or falling into self-preservation mode is how I am handing it.
Part of my coping has changed since I lost a friend I really cared about, or rather a three year friendship I really cared about since I'm hoping there is nothing "past" about her...with "ghosting" you never really know what happened, but I am hoping that nothing happened to her. I'm also continuing to have feelings for someone I work with and that has not gotten any better. I would give anything to be Spock and to have either no emotions at all or much, much better control over the ones I do have.
Through no tacit intentions that I am aware of, neither of us talk to each other anymore and my heart silently breaks over this, even if we were never friends in the first place and I've had more than enough time to get used to it. I worry she knows though I have never ever told her and have always (at least I had hoped so) been very vigilant about this. Despite how Hollywood would have you think it, not everyone is receptive to hearing you have feelings for them, especially unrequited ones.
I know the person I like would not be one of them and this is, of course, the way it should be. Having feelings for a married, straight coworker is one of the worst set of feelings a lesbian could ever, ever have and they should never, never be vocalized or be put forth in any other kind of way.
Most people, I am sure, would say "snap out of it" and I would agree with them, except that I have tried this and more and done everything I can think of to move on emotionally. Last year I confided in a friend outside of work about it and she looked at me like I was out of mind, which, I suppose, I kind of am.
I would say my new year's resolution is to get over it all, but this has been my new year's resolution for the past seven years. Really, really pathetic, I know, that I continue to go on like this, in spirit and emotion. The thing is, though, is that the heart is very hard to reckon with and it has a mind of its own, or so it seems.
Until things change for the better (and I am determined that they will, no matter how long it takes), I am going to take the advice from the above photo and do my very best to follow it while still not being a cold fish.
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