I just reread this yesterday and loved it even more the second time. Adorable, sweet, funny and very well-written, Pitifully Ugly captures amazingly well all the insecurities, fears and frazzled nerves that come with trying to connect with someone you really like.

Robin Alexander's books are consistently pleasing and get what so much of lesfic does not: that true love, the kind that both pulls you in and lasts, is based on friendship first, romance second and physical intimacy last.

Some of my favorite passages that I highlighted in my Kindle*:


 "I fought the urge to cry when I realized I didn’t even want to date me."

"You always hear of people having epiphanies. One morning they wake up and have a moment of clarity. I thought I was having one of my own. I’d been so focused on having someone to share my life, that it made me kind of pathetic. //
Love me, love me, please pick me and complete my life.” I suddenly had a mental image of myself as a pooch in the pound barking and pawing at my cage door as prospective owners came looking."

 

"There’s no pretense, no smooth-sounding lines, just a woman honestly offering her heart and hoping that it will be taken by someone who’ll cherish it.”




*If you have a Kindle, you can go to kindle.amazon.com to keep track of all books and passages you have highlighted. Another neat feature I like (that remains anonymous, obviously) is that you can see what other people have highlighted on both the website and in your Kindle (if you have that feature turned on.) 

When I'm reading in my Kindle and see previously highlighted dialogue or inner monologue that are the same ones I have marked and complete strangers also have,  I feel an odd connection with them.

During the 50s and 60s there were two kinds of lesbian pulp fiction: the ones straight men wrote for other straight men purely for the titillation factor (often portraying the 'dangers' and 'ills' of being gay, as seen during a time very few people tried to understand gays and lesbians) and the ones closeted gay housewives looked to as survival literature (the only thing they had to cling to in a world that rarely discussed 'the love that dare not speak its name.')

Ann Bannon, whose five highly addictive and surprisingly well-written books are so much better than their covers and reputation would have you believe, went for the latter in a frank, sincere and often very touching manner.

As Patricia Highsmith wrote in her afterward to The Price Of Salt (written around the same time as Bannon's books): "Homosexuals male and female in American novels had had to pay for their deviation by cutting their wrists, drowning themselves in a swimming pool, or by switching to heterosexuality (so it was stated), or by collapsing (alone and miserable and shunned ) into a depression equal to hell."

Odd Girl Out and other novels like it may seem terribly out of date in our more enlightened 21st century, but, sadly, for many (especially those women who live in conservative towns or have no one to reach out to who would support their coming out) Ann Bannon's books still have a lot to say, not just about the chills and thrills of being a woman first realizing she likes other women, but about love in general.

Sentences such as these could apply to anyone who has ever been on the cusp of love and been terribly afraid: "And in self-defense Laura tried to build a wall of politeness between them, to admire Beth from far away. There was a vague, strange feeling in the younger that to get close to Beth was to worship her, and to worship her was to get hurt."

After Odd Girl Out, there is: I Am A Woman, Women In The Shadows, Journey To A Woman and Beebo Brinker (actually a prequel even though it was written last.) I bought all five separately through the Kindle store, but I love the idea of all of them coming together in one collection.

No matter what your orientation or beliefs, you may find all five books riveting, not only for their historical context in giving modern readers an idea of just how much has changed in the world of LGBT rights, but also because they do what any good book should: tell a compelling story with characters who jump right off the page. (Journey To A Woman, for instance, has a lot to say about finding yourself and making sure you don't mistake a past you still yearn for as the answer to all your problems.)

There is even, if you wait the series out and find yourself liking characters like Beth and Beebo, a happy ending of sorts...something almost unheard of for lesbians back then and, sometimes, even now.

I wish I could do these books the justice they deserve. Maybe, one day when I've had time to reread them, I can better capture how they can still speak to women decades later...

 

 Maybe I'm especially fond of this because I love the period of music For What It's Worth centers around. I don't think that you have to love the 70s and the music of its time to love Janet Tashjian's very engaging read, though.

There's a vibe here that is just lovely and great writing, too. One of my favorite sentences is: "I know it doesn't make any sense, but there's something cool about Caroline being so uncool."

The author clearly understands how deeply music touches our souls and the neat facts and playlists Quinn, a fourteen-year-old walking "encyclopedia" of music, shares are fascinating.

His zeal for buying albums is wonderful nostalgia for those of us who loved record stores as a teenager. This will go on my to-be-read-again list and is definitely "feel good." 

Never have I seen a book cover so perfectly capture what's inside it as That Witch! does, yet for all the sincere sweetness and goofy likability of almost every character involved, there's something I can't exactly put my finger on that takes away a bit of the magic.

Maybe it's that things go just a little too well for both girls soon after That Witch! opens? Not in respect to what happens when they both come out (though that does go a bit more without a hitch than would probably happen in real life) but more so in how quickly and easily Cassidy and Brynn bypass the cliques and social protocols involved in two wildly different people coming together in high school.

In the very beginning, there's promising (and very realistic) conflict in Cassidy's cold statement to Brynn: "I don't want to be the object of your affection." But in less time than it takes to sneeze, suddenly both girls realize they really (really, really) like each other and believability takes a back seat to romance. What could have been an honest and sometimes heart breaking look at what it's like to be uncool and gay in high school suddenly becomes just a little too lovey dovey.

Of course, if all you're looking for is an afternoon's great escape and a cute little (and very loving) romance that parental disproval, a nasty and judgmental best friend and high school cattiness can't shake for even a second, then That Witch! does its job.

I don't mean to be snarky, especially when romance and true love are usually my undoing, but there's just so much wonderful potential here that misses its mark ever so slightly..

 

 

 

 

"Get Well Soon" can be a casual sentence we dash off on a greeting card or the heartfelt words we say to a friend or loved one we desperately want to get better. Nowhere, in recent musical memory, have I heard it sung with such devastating sincerity and pain as here on this gorgeous album by Sarabeth Tucek.

There are so many pretty songs to like whether they're "The Wound and The Bow" or "The Doctor" or the title track. And there's also a lot of depth and quiet pain. "Wooden" is a stunner, but then most everything on here is. "Exit Ghost," like "Wooden," has a harder guitar edge to it. Both of these are about as close to hard rock as the album comes.

The two tracks that are absolute Kryptonite to any steely heart are "At The Bar" and "Get Well Soon." The former has a catchy little beat that rolls out like the beginning a harmless journey into a bar for a quick drink, but soon turns into a night with the kind of meditations that only break your heart. "Get Well Soon" is, quite simply, going to make you cry, unless you're as cold as ice. Not only is it an autobiographical account of the singer facing the aftermath of her father's death, it's a mini-guide to being there for someone who really needs us when they're not well.

Besides being a wonderful singer in her own right, Sarabeth Tucek sounds so much like Karen Carpenter it kind of scared me the first time I heard her voice, mostly because you don't hear too many vocalists who resemble the late singer's so well, not even British success story Rumer.

I'll admit I went into this album liking it because Sarabeth Tucek reminded me so much of Karen Carpenter, but I left "Get Well Soon," realizing it's about so much more than someone sounding like someone else. It's something that nestles nicely in your heart and mind and won't go away anytime soon!

The Queen’s Companion is that kind of gentle and romantic read that always makes me sigh contentedly and say, "yeah, right!" at the same time. There is lots of angst and impressive reality checks (that aren't always present in other historical fiction with gay characters) in Maggi A. Petton's historical lesbian romance which only add to the novel's appeal.

There is a scene where she goes to church to pray away her feelings is so sad and all too easy to relate to:

No matter how hard she tried to extinguish them, her thoughts returned again and again to Bella…The more she tried to shake her feelings loose, the more intense they became and the more she was afraid…

She prays and prays to God until her heart aches and still she has strong feelings for Bella. THIS is why I need lesfic in my life…because it speaks to me in a way nothing (or no one) else does. Everything Catherine feels and prays to leave her body and soul…THAT is how it’s been with me whenever I've had feelings for someone I shouldn't.

Though we can't help what's in our hearts, we can help what we do those feelings. I remember reading another novel a while back that truly spoke to me. In After Mrs. Hamilton by Clare Ashton, the main character realizes her unrequited love for someone is nothing but "futile."

The passage is wonderfully written and made me think of things in more general terms that be applied to some kind of  "how to" for getting someone."Futile" is more than right because (obviously) in such situations the feelings are never going to be returned and also, to some extent in the novel but more so in a real life situation I'm all too familiar with, because since you're not a direct part of that person's life you don't really even have the right to care for them.

 

In the 1980s I discovered a book called The Star People at my local Walden bookstore. This book spoke shamelessly to people like the person I was at that time: lonely, confused and searching.

Within it were some of the most ridiculous things ever written and yet I ate every part of it up because I figured possibly being someone from another planet was more exotic and (for me) an easier-to-live-with explanation than the simple fact I wasn't good at socializing with other kids.

That book was absurd, of course, but at the time it didn't strike me so. It would be the first of many books (though, thankfully, the only one about being from anywhere besides Earth) that would help me feel less alone in this world. :)

Yesterday I pulled out my copy of Prince's Around The World In A Day and listened to it for the first time in a while, instantly remembering why I loved it so much in 1985 and still do now.

One of his most underrated and somewhat 1960s psychedelic at times, the album contains some Beatlesque tracks ("Paisley Park"), some oddly compelling bass lines ("Pop Life") and some quirky sweet fashion statements ("Raspberry Beret.")

"Paisley Park" is so clear in my mind whenever I hear it...I picture it cartoon-style and love the finger cymbals and the message about people finding their own Utopia despite the chaos of things all around them. It's almost inspirational for me:


1, 2, 1, 2, 3

There is a park that is known
4 the face it attracts
Colorful people whose hair
On 1 side is swept back
The smile on their faces
It speaks of profound inner peace
Ask where they're going
They'll tell U nowhere
They've taken a lifetime lease
On Paisley Park

The girl on the seesaw is laughing
4 love is the color
This place imparts (Paisley Park)
Admission is easy, just say U
Believe and come 2 this
Place in your heart
Paisley Park is in your heart

There is a woman who sits
All alone by the pier
Her husband was naughty
And caused his wife so many tears
He died without knowing forgiveness
And now she is sad, so sad
Maybe she'll come 2 the park
And forgive him
And life won't be so bad
In Paisley Park

The girl on the seesaw is laughing
4 love is the color
This place imparts (Paisley Park)
Admission is easy, just say U
Believe and come 2 this
Place in your heart
Paisley Park is in your heart

See the man cry as the city
Condemns where he lives
Memories die but taxes
He'll still have 2 give
(who) Whoever said that elephants
Were stronger than mules?
Come 2 the park
And play with us
There aren't any rules
In Paisley Park

The girl on the seesaw is laughing
4 love is the color
This place imparts (Paisley Park)
Admission is easy, just say U
Believe and come 2 this
Place in your heart
Paisley Park is in your heart

The girl on the seesaw is laughing
4 love is the color
This place imparts (Paisley Park)
Admission is easy, just say U
Believe and come 2 this
Place in your heart
Paisley Park is in your heart

Your heart, your heart
Paisley Park
Your heart, your heart, your heart (sing, sing it)
Paisley Park
Paisley Park
Paisley Park

Having a very vivid dream life can be both a blessing and a curse.

Oddly enough (or maybe not so if you can understand that false beauty is more cruel than true horror), my beautiful dreams bother me the most. Over the past few months I've dreamt of having picnics or going to dinner or just hanging out with someone I really like who doesn't feel the same at all in real life.

Immediately upon waking, I feel guilty then sad (that the dream is over) then guilty again because I feel sad. I guess my subconscious hasn't gotten the memo because I certainly would prefer not to have these dreams if I had any say in it. Sometimes when I see this person in real life (someone I have to see almost daily) I actually flinch inside.

St. Augustine once asked himself, "Can I be immoral in my dreams?" In his Confessions, he writes:

These things rush into my thoughts with no power when I am awake; but in sleep they rush in not only so as to give pleasure, but even to obtain consent and what very closely resembles the deed itself. Indeed, the illusion of the image prevails to such an extent, in both my soul and my flesh, that the illusion persuades me when sleeping to what the reality cannot do when I am awake.

 Am I not myself at such a time, O Lord my God? And is there so much of a difference between myself awake and myself in the moment when I pass from waking to sleeping, or return from sleeping to waking?

Where, then, is the power of reason which resists such suggestions when I am awake -- for even if the things themselves be forced upon it I remain unmoved? Does reason cease when the eyes close? Is it put to sleep with the bodily senses? But in that case how does it come to pass that even in slumber we often resist, and with our conscious purposes in mind, continue most chastely in them, and yield no assent to such allurements? Yet there is at least this much difference: that when it happens otherwise in dreams, when we wake up, we return to peace of conscience. And it is by this difference between sleeping and waking that we discover that it was not we who did it, while we still feel sorry that in some way it was done in us.


I've been reading up a lot on dreams lately, mostly because I wish to control them, especially when it comes to this set. St. Augustine's Confessions is one of the few works I've ever read that's mentioned anything connecting morals and dreams, though there is this book which I've put on hold through an outside-our-network at the local library:

read about more here: 

There's nothing like reading a sad book while listening to Beck's Sea Change (one of the most desolate break-up albums ever) to get you out of a bad funk. That probably sounds sarcastic, but I mean it from the bottom of my heart. There's something amazingly comforting in reading about someone who finds love as troubling as you do.

In Broken Faith main character Marika is so emotionally scarred and lonely she'll readily take up again with someone who has never shown her anything but abuse. Right from the start sadness tinges the novel as Marika leaves behind her devoted cat and a quiet, safe home for a horrible alternative to companionship.

Miraka first appears as a secondary character in Lois Cloarec Hart's Going Home as someone can't accept that the girl she likes doesn't feel the same. In the beginning you get a sense she's not the most emotionally centered person, but as the novel progresses and Terry (the girl she likes so much) has clearly moved on, Marika slowly begins to accept it and even helps Terry out (no strings attached nor with any expectations) when she sinks to some depths of her own and winds up too drunk to drive home one night. Mariska ends up taking care of her and discovering she is stronger than she thinks.

Now morely fleshed out in Broken Faith, with some strong back story thrown in for good measure, Marika becomes likable and easy to relate to with compassion, even empathy. It's easy to judge things from the outside, especially if you've never had a crush so strong it made you temporarily lose sight of everything important in your life.

I'm just settling in with this novel and since it's over 400 pages, it'll probably take me a while to get a sense of where it's going, but so far I like it and hope for the best for Marika. She may be fictional, but she has a good heart and only wants to find someone who wants what she has to give and (most importantly) love her back.

That's something a lot of us can probably relate to with relative ease.

I

One hundred Judy Garland songs on one collection...for $5.99 on iTunes...a super deal and discovery! It has everything from very well-known tracks like the incredibly good mood-inducing "The Trolley Song" and the emotionally-opposite-end of the spectrum "The Man That Got Away" (perfect for late lonely nights!) to ones less familiar to me, "College Swing" and "All Through The Day."

It's been years since I really gave Judy a good listen and I'm so glad I found Heritage Collection. Her turbulent personal life was matched by her passion for performing and a need to please. As one writer for the New York Times put it:

"The compulsively vibrant, exhausting performances that were her stage hallmark was a seemingly unquenchable need for her audiences to respond with acclaim and affection. And often they did, screaming, 'We love you, Judy--we love you.' "

The writer (no name is attributed to the clipping I found) strongly felt in 1969 that she might have been happier and had a longer career if she had been born during an earlier time, that music halls and the vaudeville world she was pretty much born into suited her better than Hollywood.

Her "sweet singing voice that had a kind of brassy edge to it" just went so well with performing live and made her album Judy: Live At Carnegie Hall would go on to be one of the most famous live recording albums ever.

One of the most informative and insightful articles I've read on Judy Garland. Published in 1969 in the New York Times, it can be read: here

A music streaming site I've been listening to on shuffle for 70s singers started playing Melissa Manchester's "Don't Cry Out Loud" and I got a little bit giddy.

I've always loved Manchester's voice and the lyrics to the song:


Baby cried the day the circus came to town
'cause she didn't want parades just passin' by her
So she painted on a smile and took up with some clown
While she danced without a net upon the wire
I know a lot about 'er 'cause, you see
Baby is an awful lot like me
Don't cry out loud
Just keep it inside, learn how to hide your feelings
Fly high and proud
And if you should fall, remember you almost had it all
Baby saw that when they pulled that big top down
They left behind her dreams among the litter
The different kind of love she thought she'd found
There was nothin' left but sawdust and some glitter
But baby can't be broken 'cause you see
She had the finest teacher-that was me-I told 'er
Don't cry out loud
Just keep it inside and learn how to hide your feelings
Fly high and proud
And if you should fall, remember you almost had it all
Don't cry out loud
Just keep it inside and learn how to hide your feelings
Fly high and proud
And if you should fall, remember you almost made it
Don't cry out loud
Just keep it inside and learn how to hide your feelings
Fly high and proud
And if you should fall, remember you almost had it all


I've always been more emotional than I'd like to be, even in public. I would love to have what one  of my friends said is commonly called a "brf" (bitchy resting face.)

I'm not a big fan of the "b" word. I don't like curse words unless I'm by myself and even then only if I'm angry, but I especially don't like "*itch" because it's so often used to put women down.

This time, though, I'd like to own the word because whenever I think of women I admire there are the ones that manage to keep their lives together no matter what may be going on privately. And I've gotten to the point where I'd rather risk being seen as aloof and unapproachable than someone who can't even make it through the day without losing her @#$%...well you probably know word I mean.

You can find Mog here: listen to a terrific music streaming site with lots of full-length albums! :)

Mog (a terrific music sharing website) + snow day + Maiden's No Mythologies To Follow = nice day! :)  Listen here: click on

Another great album (more like an EP) is this one:

You can listen to Chloe here:

click for Chloe

She reminds me of Kate Nash or Lily Allen. (Beware of her use of the "f" word a few times, though.)

And <<<this is a relaxing listen for a quiet, nostalgic afternoon!: listen>>> go back to the 80s.

Baking and Go West

Growing up, my sister and I were a lot closer than we are now, mostly because we both loved music with the same intensity, if not the same tastes. She'd be too proud to admit she wanted to borrow my Wham albums, but I knew she secretly wanted to listen. Me? I was never too afraid or embarrassed to ask for her Go West album. I especially liked their song "Call Me."

Sometimes, I don't think a Sunday can't get any cozier than if you bake in the kitchen while listening to music. I haven't seen my sister's copy of Go West's first album in decades, but I do have the song on my iPhone and it still sounds as good as ever while the smells of fresh baked scones spread through my apartment.

I'm not sure which is more shocking: that "Call Me" doesn't sound dated at all or that I successfully made a batch of scones. Either way, it's a nice Sunday! :)

Watch the catchy little video and try not to cringe too much at how much more its showing its age than the actual song does :) :

here

Things that never happened...

I think I love music almost more than I've ever loved any human (almost). At its very very best, music can make us think of all the wonderful things the world has to offer and it can gently plop our souls in places our bodies may never find while living here on Earth.

One of those things, for me at least, is love, specifically: romantic love.

I'm pretty sure I've never been in love before, at least not with someone who loved me back. I used to smile when well-meaning people (saying it based on nothing more than my single status, thinking it would be encouraging and kind) would exclaim: 'Your day will come.'

Maybe I even believed them at one time, mostly because I wanted to, with that silly part of me who watched way more than her share of romantic comedies and because music, while an incredibly sincere and touching art form, is quite capable of making you believe things that just aren't true. I still smile, but I no longer believe, not in any way that counts.

The older you get, the more experience and reality show you otherwise, you can feel a bit at odds with yourself when what you want and what you actually have are two different things and you realize your life plan is way, way off track.

I love cooking and will do it for just me, if for no other reason than it's healthier than going take-out or the frozen way. But I always wanted to find someone with whom to grow old and dote on in all the ways you do for someone you love. Even before I could have ever dreamed I'd live in a world where gay marriage was more than a fantasy I knew I would be willing to overcome whatever it took to find Miss Right.

Bad dates, scary dates, could-have-been-wild-dates I wanted no part of have made me start to think that being old-fashioned and gay is not very popular in the lesbian community. If it isn't, if I never find someone, I know I'll be okay...because of other things that can fill your soul like love can and give everyday things beautiful color: friends, books and music.





Just a picture of an incredibly fun group to listen to, especially on days you need a pick-me-up from the big bad world outside :)

And their video for "Safe and Sound" is even more fun and, well, just really nice and safe to watch, too!:

video for "Safe and Sound"

Chills, and that feeling you get when you hear a new song you just know is going to become one of your favorites, are running through me as I listen to Coldplay's new song "Magic." It's the kind of track that makes you feel like you're outside of your body, like all you have is your soul and nothing else to tie you down to earthly constraints.

I can't wait until May when their new album, Ghost Stories, drops.