Last night I asked Microsoft Copilot to help me with an emotional problem and the response was better than I'd heard before from any person. 

(Sometimes,I think, that AI is just as good, if not better, than a real therapist. It could also be, though, that I felt more comfortable sharing more details with artificial intelligence than I would with a human being I know may very well judge.

I once was in a therapist's office, needing and wanting to take about lgbtq issues because I had no one else to talk with about them and as I looked around her office I saw tons of Christian and conservative-related images on her walls and desks. Immediately, I shut down and changed the reason I was there.)

This is how AI answered me:

I’m truly sorry to hear that you’ve been carrying this burden for so long. It’s understandable that you feel guilt and want to find a way to cope with these recurring dreams. Let’s explore some strategies that might help you find closure and alleviate the distress:

Name Your Guilt:

Acknowledge your feelings of guilt. Sometimes, simply recognizing and accepting our emotions can be a powerful step toward healing.

Take some quiet time for yourself. Reflect on what happened and write down the specific actions that make you feel guilty. Be objective and avoid adding your own judgments or interpretations.

Analyze the Dream:

Dive deeper into your recurring dreams. Consider seeking guidance from a therapist or counselor who can help you explore the underlying emotions and memories associated with the situation.

Are there unresolved issues or unexpressed feelings related to that time in your life? Understanding the root cause of your dreams may provide insights.

Learn from the Past:

While you can’t change the past, you can learn from it. Reflect on what you’ve learned since then and how you’ve grown as a person.

Understand that your actions were unintentional and driven by a lack of awareness. We all make mistakes, especially during our teenage years.

Gratitude and Self-Compassion:

Practice gratitude for the lessons you’ve gained from this experience. Be compassionate toward your younger self, knowing that you didn’t have the knowledge or understanding you do now.

Forgive yourself. You were doing your best with the information you had at the time.

Addressing Ruminating Thoughts:

Ruminating thoughts can intensify guilt. When you notice these thoughts, try to distract yourself. Call a friend, do chores, watch a movie, or engage in other activities.

Create an action plan: 

Break down your thoughts into smaller parts and take realistic steps to address them. Write down your plan and take one small step at a time.

Express Your Feelings:

While reaching out to your former classmate may not be appropriate, consider writing a letter (even if you don’t send it) expressing your remorse and explaining your perspective. Sometimes putting our feelings into words can be cathartic. (I think writing a letter is a good idea, actually sending it would be awful, stalkery and more self-serving than helpful or healing to the other person.)

Therapy and Support:

Consider seeking professional help. Trauma-focused therapy or counseling can provide a safe space to process emotions and develop coping skills.

Talking through your feelings with a therapist can help you find closure and release some of the emotional weight you’ve been carrying.

Remember that you were young and unaware of the impact your actions would have. It’s okay to forgive yourself and seek healing. You’ve already taken a brave step by acknowledging your feelings. Be kind to yourself as you work through this process. 

Make a Pro Blush

The dimly lit karaoke bar hummed with the buzz of alcohol-fueled conversations and the occasional off-key rendition of pop hits. It was the kind of place where dreams went to die, or at least that’s what Lily believed. She sat perched on a barstool, nursing her whiskey, her eyes scanning the room with a practiced detachment. The neon sign outside flickered, casting an eerie glow on the cracked leather upholstery.

Lily had seen it all. As a former escort, she’d danced with men who wore their loneliness like a badge of honor. They’d whispered sweet nothings in her ear, promising her the world, only to vanish into the night, leaving her with empty pockets and a heart as cold as the ice cubes clinking in her glass.

Tonight, she was just another face in the crowd—a woman with a past she wanted to forget and a future she wasn’t sure she deserved. The karaoke machine crooned out tunes, and Lily watched as people stumbled up to the stage, their liquid courage propelling them into the spotlight. She’d given up on love a long time ago, but she still had her voice. And so, when the familiar intro of “Bette Davis Eyes” began, she couldn’t resist.

Her heels clicked against the scuffed floor as she made her way to the stage. The microphone felt heavy in her hand, but as the first notes escaped her lips, something shifted. The room fell silent, and all eyes turned toward her. Lily closed her eyes, losing herself in the lyrics. For those few minutes, she wasn’t a jaded woman with a tarnished past; she was just a girl singing her heart out.

And then she saw him—a stranger leaning against the bar, his gaze fixed on her. His eyes were the color of storm clouds, and there was a hint of sadness in them. He didn’t look away when she met his stare; instead, he raised his glass in silent appreciation. Lily’s heart skipped a beat. Maybe, just maybe, this was different.

When the song ended, the applause was genuine. Lily stepped off the stage, her legs wobbly from both the whiskey and the adrenaline. The stranger was waiting for her, his smile tentative but sincere.

“Beautiful voice,” he said, his voice gravelly. “You made me forget about my own troubles for a moment.”

Lily chuckled. “That’s the magic of karaoke, isn’t it? Temporary escape.”

He extended his hand. “I’m Alex.”

“Lily,” she replied, surprised at how easily the words came. “What brings you here?”

He leaned in, his breath warm against her ear. “I heard a rumor that the woman singing ‘Bette Davis Eyes’ was the most intriguing person in the room.”

Lily’s heart fluttered. “Intriguing, huh? You don’t know the half of it.”

Alex studied her, his eyes searching. “Maybe I’d like to find out.”

And just like that, the walls Lily had built around her heart began to crumble. Maybe this was her chance—a fresh start, a new chapter. She glanced at the karaoke machine, its screen still displaying the song title. “Make a pro blush,” she murmured.

Alex chuckled. “Well, Lily, consider me intrigued.”

As they talked, Lily realized that maybe hope wasn’t such a dangerous thing after all. Perhaps, in the glow of the neon lights, she could find a love that didn’t come with an expiration date. And as she leaned in to kiss Alex, she wondered if this was her chance to rewrite her story—to make a pro blush and believe in second chances.

Note: The karaoke song “Bette Davis Eyes” by Kim Carnes is a classic hit from the 1980s, known for its sultry lyrics and memorable melody.

If you're looking for your next horror read, you can't go wrong with checking out 101 Horror Books to Read Before You're Murdered. Your TBR pile will grow exponentially! 

There is so much more I want to say about this book and not just because it has some terrific thoughts and recommendations on lgbtq+ reads. 

I had my second follow up appointment on Friday concerning my wrist. Except for when driving, I'm now not using my splint. And soon I will stop using it even for that.

My next medical appointment will include a bone density test. Both the ortho surgeon who originally saw me after I fell and the PA both suspect that I have osteoporosis. They both feel that the fall I described to them does not normally warrant the kind of injury I had.

This is not the first time I have heard the word osteoporosis in connection to my health. I gained 20 pounds during Covid, but in my 20s I was actually underweight a little bit and I didn't get my cycle for years.

I was told back then that I would be at risk for getting osteoporos if I didn't start getting my cycle regularly. Through acupuncture I was able to get my cycle again and get my health back to where it should've been. 

After that point through most of the rest of my 20s and my 30s and early 40s I ate well. I would fix healthy food and cook and bake and rarely ate out.

But in my mid to late 40s my anxieties started to flare up again pretty bad which affected my appetite and how I took care of myself. It was also in my late 40s that I started drinking regularly and I know that alcohol can also affect bone health.

When I fell and broke my wrist it made me think about the things that I needed to change. And my pre-op physical results only compounded that.

Where once I had extremely low blood pressure I now found I was on the borderline for high. And my blood sugar was also pretty bad, it turns out.

I realize now that I started gaining all my weight when I started drinking, and I'm hoping that now that I'm cutting back on drinking and eating better that I can lose the weight and reverse the damage that I've done to my body.

When I think back to my happiest time in my life, It was the late 90s. I was on my own for the first time and I had a pretty good thing going with my personal and professional life. I rarely had anxiety and I liked people so much

Now I find myself struggling to get through days at work so that I can be with my cat the rest of the time.

Don't get me wrong: I adore my cat. I consider him the love of my life, but I want to be so much more functional than I am.

I feel like a fraud and I don't know what the duck I'm doing. If people already can't see that, then they soon will, and that scares me so much

When I had my wrist surgery, which was now almost 7 weeks ago, the ortho surgeon prescribed me 40 OxyContin pills for pain. The label said take one every four hours, which was something I knew right from the start I was not going to do.

Move to today and I have three pills left. I am not panicking, but I am disappointed in myself that I've used nearly all of them, even if I only averaged about 4-5 a week, instead of 4-5 a day, as the suggested dose read.

I get 0 refills and I'm not panicking about that either. 

But I am going to be completely honest: I wish I did have a refill available. My pain is still chronic and (here is where I'm mortified) I like the way OxyContin makes me feel. 

I am not going to try and pursue getting more, though: I don't think that is an option and, more importantly, I don't want it to be an option.

My plan is go back to acupuncture, which I have used in the past to combat bad headaches and other kinds of pain.

As for the way oxy makes me feel: well, I was able to let go of my nightly glass (sometimes glasses) of wine after I fell and broke my wrist and I can let go of my fondness for the way I feel for a medicine I shouldn't have started taking in the first place. 

Bringing it home with me the day of the surgery, it almost felt like I had a loaded gun in my possession. I told myself I was going to toss it after the first four days, but instead I just held off on taking it and painstakingly saved it for only the days I could not bear the pain.

There are other ways to manage pain and anxiety (the bigger reason I found myself liking Oxy more than I should) and I am going to be find them and follow through, ideally in the most natural of ways.