Where do you go when the person you confide in about the person you have feelings for becomes someone you care for just as much as the first person? If that does not make any sense to you, it is because it does not to me, either :(
Back in March, I made a new friend, someone, over time, I have become completely relaxed with, telling so many things to (including things I have never told anyone else before) and correspond with back and forth and learn things from and just feel so comfortable with and now...now I am both so happy and so confused. It is funny (not ha-ha funny, of course) how the thought of losing a dear friendship can hurt more than unrequited love can, when you originally thought that was the most painful thing in the world.
I know this makes no sense posting this here, nor is it even really appropriate, but I am afraid to tell this to the person I would normally confide in about this...and I have to get this out somewhere.
Her friendship has become so important to me and I like her so much and I think I am afraid of losing our friendship because I feel like I do not deserve something (and someone) so wonderful in my life...and something that feels so ethereal and beautiful and even magical can also be something you worry could disappear at any moment, no matter how much you trust the person behind the friendship.
I wish I were enough. If I could write decent poetry, that would be the first line to the unwritten poem that is in my heart right now. Trust me when I say I am a bad poet. A few years ago I found some poetry I had written in a old journal of mine and it was really, really, really bad. Awful. An insult to the word poetry itself.
How painful and almost even odd, then, to have the words in your heart but not the ability to beautifully express them. How even more painful and odder to befriend someone and grow to care about her very, very much and not have the words or the right heart to help her heal because only a certain someone has the power to make her happy and, as much as you would like to be, you just are not that someone. (And you, yourself, are also pining for someone else.)
When you really care about someone you want so much to help them, to take away their pain and heartache and see them really, really, really happy. You know, if you are going to be brutally honest with yourself, that you wish you could be enough for them because you want them to feel the way about you you do about them. But you also (because, truly there is also a completely unselfish side to caring about this person you like so much) wish you could be enough so that they could stop thinking (just like you wish you could) about who they cannot know more and be happy to have you and then the both of you could be more than enough for each other.
And this, this, is why I cannot open my heart and let the words pour out right...because they splatter all over the place and make so very little sense and only add to the confusion.
No comments:
Post a Comment