I think about how different my feelings for X are than for anyone else I have ever had feelings for before…and they are radically different, in both good ways and bad.
X is, without a doubt, the most professional and composed person I have ever had feelings for, so much my polar opposite it goes beyond cliché. She is everything I am not and I am sure this is a huge contributing factor to my strong feelings for her. Anything or anyone that is not me is good and good to be around.
Never before have I had feelings for someone I am also afraid of…not in the sense of fear, but in the sense of awe and in the absolute conviction I am going to mess things up when in her presence (which has, indeed, happened many a time and most recently culminating in things that just cannot be reversed)
It is true that I find her very attractive, but the part of me that finds her very attractive is not an active part of me and never has been, if that makes sense. I like X in a very deep and emotionally resounding way, but the part of me that finds her beautiful is able to temper that side. I am no more sexual (or even sexual in thinking) than I am beautiful or socially adept or capable of having a meaningful, blush-free conversation with her. "Ex gay therapists" (many of whom believe being gay is some kind of arrested development) would find it fitting that I feel like a child in those matters of life.
That is why this is all a complete mystery to me, that five years later my feelings still have not gone away. It is futile and (no matter that I have never said a word or knowingly done anything to give myself away in how I feel about her) so very unprofessional. And yet, just as I cannot pray away my gay, I cannot pray away my feelings for her…maybe precisely because they are not wanton or wrong feelings, but very heartfelt and genuine ones of caring and respect.
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