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...and that's perfectly okay!!

I have recently returned to writing in my journal and I am finding I much prefer (mostly) keeping my thoughts private to sharing them with someone else. Not too long ago I lost (although I am not sure "lost" is the right word) what I thought was a very special, three year long friendship that meant the world to me, but I have now had to gain much-needed perspective on, in terms of closure and reality.

In addition to writing in my journal again (and all the advice out there that says journal-keeping is very therapeutic is right on) I have also been reading older entries in hopes that I may find I have improved even just a little bit in how I see things and in my wanting to let go of the things that deeply and painfully bother me.

One aspect I feel I have grown much better in is in taking more responsibility for my own feelings and in my not letting others' actions get to me so much. The most important thing I have come to realize is that I, alone, am responsible for my feelings, no one else, even if that "no one else" has been hurtful or downright cruel.

I think back to when I was trying to date and some of the rather unbelievable things people would say to me. One woman I met declined to tell me she was married until we had been corresponding for several weeks and were on our first and only date (though "date" is a word I am using very loosely now and purely in retrospect). Only then did she tell me and very, very casually as if it were just a form of "disclosure" she wanted to slip by me without any consequences.

"I want the benefits of being in a traditional marriage while still being able to embrace my lesbian side." She confided and I just started at her, horrified at this woman who wanted her cake and to eat it too.

Maybe I am just being incredibly harsh and very narrow-minded in saying this, but I will anyway: I have no patience for people who want to stay in a relationship and date outside it, none at all. Look, I get being in the closet, I really, really, really do. Half of me is still in there. BUT even if I did want to date, I would never, ever, ever date someone while she or I were in a relationship with other people. 

When I look back, I cannot believe I ever tried to date. I am just not dating material nor will I ever be and there is just too much drama out there, way, way, way too much. This is on me, though, more than on other people. I am too rigid, too full of doubts, too not ready for any kind of emotional or physical intimacy, ever. I was trying too hard to find something I don't think I ever truly wanted in the first place and I have made my peace with that and am actually (in terms of my being single) stronger for it. 

Even more beneficial to my own personal strength...I have come to realize that even if the person I have one-sided feelings for were single and did feel the same (however science fiction-y that is, and, believe me, it is science fiction-y!) I would still be this way about remaining single. Somehow, knowing that is healing to me and maybe a huge step in my finally (maybe?) being able to truly let go of these unnecessary and unwanted emotions inside.

And on top of all that is this, which I firmly believe to be true: not every one needs to be paired up nor does every one want to be. One of the biggest lies out there in the world is that there is "the one" or that there is "a pot for every lid." This is simply not true and it is not fair to those desperately still looking nor those individuals who are perfectly fine being "unpaired" to make them feel as if they are somehow missing a part of themselves by not going off into the sunset with Mr. or Miss Right. It is perfectly okay (and I mean this in the purest and least 'new-agey' way) to be your own "one."