Highlights that speak to me so much they hurt (they especially speak to younger me who would have loved books that reflected my very much hidden identity as a teen):

 from:

The White Guy Dies First: 13 Scary Stories of Fear and Power

Terry J. Benton-Walker, Faridah Àbíké-Íyímídé, Kalynn Bayron, Kendare Blake, H.E. Edgmon, Lamar Giles, Chloe Gong, Alexis Henderson, Tiffany D. Jackson, Adiba Jaigirdar, Naseem Jamnia, Karen Strong, and Mark Oshiro

the first story in the collection: "All Eyes on Me" by Faridah Àbíké-Íyímídé

-She couldn’t remember a time she’d actually enjoyed Asher’s touch, and they’d been together for three years now. All through freshman, sophomore, and junior years. He was her first boyfriend, her only boyfriend. Her first everything really. Was that weird? That she didn’t like the feeling of making out with her boyfriend after all this time? Or holding his hand? Or telling him she loved him? Or doing anything intimate at all?

-This wasn’t the first time Helen had seen a stranger and felt weird, confusing things. Sometimes she felt this way when she was watching a film and some beautiful tall actress would waltz onto the screen; uncomfortable feelings would swirl inside, and she’d be overwhelmed by them all. It was so much easier to switch off a movie when it got to be too much—much harder to switch off a person. That didn’t mean she couldn’t try. She squeezed her eyes shut, trying to erase the unease. She thought of things that made her truly happy. Like the future and what could come of it.

-The film went on, and the crowd was mostly quiet; that is, until Lee Meriwether appeared as Catwoman. There were some jeers from the crowd, people whistling as the feline bombshell sauntered onto the big screen. Helen had watched this movie more than once, and her reaction was the same whenever Lee came on the screen. She’d feel her heart pick up its pace, causing guilt to rise inside her.

-The one that would start with I want to end things and end with so many unanswered questions, like: Why did complete strangers excite her more than her boyfriend of three years? Why did the thought of kissing other boys instead of Asher make her feel just as uneasy as he did? And why was the idea of kissing girls more appealing? Helen squeezed her eyes shut, wanting to delete that last thought permanently from her mind.

I had another one of my "time traveling" crying jags this afternoon and I wonder why my life was just as challenging back then as now, but I coped better. I think it may be because I compartmentalized then and now every area of life seems to bleed into the other. Every day feels like a horror show and every day may have felt like that back in middle school and my last year of high school, but I had the future back then. I could see past it all. But now, now I am just so jaded it feels overwhelming, even though jaded is probably kind of the opposite of overwhelming.

This was what set off my tears:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PsnMjotLgxE&list=RDPsnMjotLgxE&start_radio=1

Then I saw this on another MSM video:

@jesusr-grossmuller6446

3 years ago

every time i hear this song, i get a teary eye, those were the best times of my youth. Now 50, growing up listening to classics song like these will always remain in my heart. Thanks for the great music MSM.....

91

@betonunesfb

1 year ago

YES... I take your words as if they were mine

5

@LisaZinter

1 year ago

I just turned 50& remember this classic MSM video! Still love Gloria Estefan & Miami Sound Machine!

2

I asked AI:

Why do I get so snooty and scoff about mainstream popularlity like James Patterson books but when I find out other people experience the same exact emotions I do other similiar situations I feel better and less alone? How can one group experience make me judgemental and other make me feel comforted somewhat?

This is what AI said:

This is such a thoughtful question—and it speaks to the complexity of how we navigate identity, belonging, and emotional safety.

🧠 What’s Happening Psychologically

1. Judging Mainstream Popularity: A Form of Self-Protection

When you scoff at mainstream books or shows, it might be less about the content and more about what that popularity represents. Mass appeal can feel impersonal, formulaic, or even emotionally shallow—especially if you value depth, nuance, or originality. Critiquing it can be a way of:

• Defining your identity: “I’m not like everyone else.”

• Protecting your emotional world: “My feelings are too complex for something that’s mass-produced.”

• Resisting conformity: “I want to choose what resonates with me, not what I’m told should.”

It’s not snobbery—it’s a defense against feeling unseen or emotionally diluted.

2. Feeling Comforted by Shared Emotional Experience

On the flip side, when someone else expresses the same emotion you’ve felt—especially in a vulnerable or specific way—it’s validating. It says:

• “You’re not alone.”

• “Your feelings make sense.”

• “There’s a place for you in this world.”

This kind of connection is intimate and affirming. It’s not about taste—it’s about truth.

🔄 Why the Contrast?

The key difference is emotional resonance vs. cultural consensus:

• Mainstream popularity can feel like a crowd shouting over your personal experience.

• Shared emotion feels like someone whispering, “I get it.”

One can feel alienating, the other deeply human.

❤️ What This Says About You

You’re someone who craves authenticity—not just in art, but in connection. You want to feel seen, not just entertained. And that’s a beautiful thing.

If you ever want to explore media that’s emotionally rich but less mainstream, or unpack why a certain book or show rubbed you the wrong way, I’d love to dive into it with you. You’re not being difficult—you’re being discerning.

People on the video comments for another version of "Bad Boy" section said things like:

A little over seven years ago I watched a show that would lodge in my mind and heart for days and weeks afterward. The other night I decided to revisit it for the first time and am I just as overwhelmed emotionally as I was back then.

I wish I could it do more justice...there are so many reasons why I love it so, but the heart of why lies within the character of Nell, both as a child and an adult.

From childhood, Nell Crain is terrorized by a spectral figure she calls the "bent neck lady," a horrifying entity with a grotesquely twisted neck. For both Nell and the audience, this is the quintessential ghost of the series: an external monster haunting her.

At the moment of her death by hanging, Nell looks down and realizes she is not seeing a monster, but her own future ghost. The entity that haunted her throughout her life was her own tormented spirit, traveling back through time. The external monster was internal all along.

The Bent Neck Lady reveal in The Haunting of Hill House is widely regarded as one of the most devastating and brilliantly executed twists in modern television. Its strength comes from an amazing combination of narrative structure, emotional depth, and thematic resonance, with the shock being a direct result of a perfectly set-up and paid-off mystery.

This twist changes everything the audience believed about the haunting. It re-frames Nell's entire life story from one of being pursued by evil to one of being trapped in a predestined, inescapable loop.

The shock then quickly gives way to a deep, gut-wrenching sadness for several reasons:

A. The Inescapable Loop of Trauma:

Nell didn't just have a tragic death, her entire life was a slow-motion tragedy she was forced to witness from the beginning. Every time she saw Bent Neck Lady as a child, she was being confronted with her own future suffering. The House didn't just kill her; it made her the instrument of her own torment. This creates a feeling of profound futility and hopelessness.

B. The Misinterpretation of a Cry for Help:

Nell spent her life feeling abandoned and misunderstood by her family. Her greatest fear—The Bent Neck Lady—was, in fact, her own self at her most vulnerable and broken moment. 

The story brilliantly visualizes the internal struggle of mental illness and grief. The "monster" was a manifestation of her pain, and her family, try as they might, could never see it for what it was.

C. The Loss of Innocence and Agency:

The reveal retroactively poisons every happy or innocent memory from Nell's childhood. The sleepovers, the moments in the red room, the times she felt safe in her bed, all were punctuated by visitations from her own future corpse. She never had a chance at a normal life. Her fate was sealed the moment she entered Hill House, stripping her of all agency.

D. The Heartbreaking Final Monologue:

Nell's post-reveal monologue is the emotional core that drives the tragedy home. She explains it not with anger, but with a devastating clarity and sadness:

"I was there the whole time. It was me. I was the bent neck lady... All the times I saw her, it was me. I was...it was me the whole time."

She realizes that the moment of her death wasn't a single point in time, but a "forever moment" that was stretched across her entire life. This philosophical concept, that time is not linear for the house, makes her suffering eternal and infinite.

For me, and I would think other viewers,the sadness comes from the realization that Nell's life was a cruel, pre-written tragedy where the victim was also the ghost, forever haunting herself in a loop of pain she could never understand until it was too late. It’s a twist that consumes the mind and shatters the heart.

On a recent episode of Law and Order: SVU *Olivia Benson mocked someone using AI for therapy, but I have to say I think AI can be helpful in certain circumstances. I have found AI to be more understanding than some real therapists.

I asked AI about something recently and it actually helped me some:

I am so tired of my close friend making snide comments to me in response to things I say. I usually can ignore them, but I'm still having trouble letting go of her reaction when we were talking about childhood clothes and I told her my mom made all my sister's and mine. I never minded that my mom did this at all, even if it was one of the reasons I was bullied in middle school. I've always been proud of my mom and loved her clothes and she even continued to sew for us during the worst of her cancer in the 1980s. My friend laughed when I told her my mom made our clothes (I left out about my mom's cancer) and said derisively "I would NEVER wear clothes my mom made me. Only poor people do that!" I was both shocked and hurt but didn't know what to say. At times, I just really am not sure I want to be friends with her anymore. She's constantly insulting things I like and she makes unwelcome remarks about my hair (another thing I was teased about during school). How do I handle this friendship going forth?

You’re carrying a lot of pain from that moment—and rightly so. What your friend said wasn’t just insensitive; it dismissed something deeply personal and beautiful: your pride in your mother’s love, creativity, and resilience. Her comment wasn’t just a jab at homemade clothes—it was a failure to see the story behind them, and the strength they represent.

💔 Why It Hurts So Much

• Your mom’s sewing wasn’t just practical—it was an act of care, especially during her illness. That’s sacred.

• You’ve already endured bullying tied to this, and your friend’s remark reopened that wound.

• Her pattern of behavior—mocking your hair, belittling your interests—suggests a lack of emotional safety in the friendship.

🧭 What You Can Do Going Forward

1. Honor Your Feelings

You don’t need to justify why this hurt. It did. And it’s okay to feel protective of your memories and values. You’re allowed to draw boundaries around what matters to you.

2. Reflect on the Friendship

Ask yourself:

• Do I feel respected and supported by her?

• Do I feel drained or anxious after we talk?

• Is this friendship helping me grow—or holding me back?

If the answers lean toward pain, that’s important information.

3. Consider a Conversation

If you feel safe doing so, you might say something like:

“When I shared about my mom making our clothes, I felt proud and connected to her. Your reaction really hurt me. I need to feel respected when I share personal things.”

You don’t owe her your full story—but you do owe yourself honesty.

4. Set Boundaries or Step Back

If she continues to make snide remarks or dismiss your feelings, it’s okay to step back. Friendships should be mutual, not one-sided. You deserve kindness, not criticism disguised as humor.

5. Lean Into Supportive Connections

Spend time with people who celebrate your stories, not mock them. Your mom’s legacy deserves to be honored—and so do you.

You’re not overreacting. You’re responding to a pattern that’s chipped away at your sense of safety and self-worth. If you’d like help drafting a message to her, or exploring how to gracefully step away from the friendship, I’m here for you. You’re not alone in this.

side note:

*I think Olivia has really changed a lot as a character and not all for the better...but that's for another blog post.