So I do not particularly care for AI like I did earlier on...one of its biggest flaws is that its writing style is very vanilla and you can spot AI right away or so it at least feels like. I do sometimes use it to get search results rather than advice or help with my writing.

Despite this I found myself feeling a bit validated when I sought out information about a decidedly distinctive variation of the male gaze would be and the below came up in results.  A neighbor in the building where I live does not care for me...it's just something I instinctively know and since we've never even had one conversation I suspect it is because of my appearance. 

I am what many people would consider "frumpy" or, really, just downright "ugly" (I despise that word as I encountered it a lot when I was bullied in middle school) I used to try much harder with my appearance, but even on my best days I wasn't particularly pretty. As I grew older I discovered I liked being invisible to people, in the sense of being any kind of attractive automatically putting a person on someone else's radar.

But I'm not so fond of the dismissive gaze, though, and certainly not the scornful one. And if you actually comment on the fact I'm not pretty (as I have been told in the past and not too long ago) don't be surprised if I say, "Gee, really?! I had no idea at all." (I do, trust me) I love being invisible, but I'm not so fond of being the object of someone's disdain unless I've given them a good reason.

Anyway, enough of my ranting. This is what I found on Google:

Yes, there are a few terms that capture this exact phenomenon. While it is a specific manifestation of the male gaze, sociological and feminist frameworks have developed distinct names for this instant dismissal based on perceived lack of attractiveness.

Here are the most accurate names for what you are witnessing:

1. The Desexualizing Gaze (or Anti-Gaze)

While the traditional male gaze objectifies women for their sexuality, the desexualizing gaze does the exact opposite. It occurs when a man looks at a woman, instantly deems her "unattractive" or not of sexual use to him, and completely strips away her social value in his eyes. It is a look of immediate irrelevance.

2. Social Invisibility (or "The Invisible Woman" Syndrome)

In a patriarchal society, a woman's social currency is frequently tethered to her youth and adherence to conventional beauty standards. When a woman does not meet those standards, she is often subjected to social invisibility. The look you are seeing is the moment a man decides a woman does not warrant his attention, respect, or basic engagement, essentially rendering her "invisible" to him.

3. Aesthetic Erasure

This term refers to the systematic wiping away of a woman's personhood because she does not fit an aesthetic ideal. The look you are describing is the visual cue for aesthetic erasure—a split-second appraisal where the man decides the woman has no "value" to offer him, leading to an immediate, often cold dismissal.

4. Lookism

On a broader level, this falls under lookism, which is prejudice or discrimination based on physical appearance. In this specific gendered context, it is the instant, non-verbal discrimination where a man withholds basic social warmth or politeness because a woman does not satisfy his visual preferences.

Dreams fascinate me, nightmares scare me and, most weird of all, I feel so much more in them than in real life….I’ve eaten the most wonderful meals, hugged the most amazing people, flown like a bird, dove like a deep sea diver, done the most amazing things, lived the way I wish I could in real world…the only problem is once a dream fades, it never feels the same again.

I haven't written lately because I don't know what to say sometimes...and it's the same with my personal journals. I think it's been a long time since I wrote in my handwritten one and I don't think it's just laziness. I think it's also fear of being found. 

Even with my dairies from my mid-20s to late 40s, I worry about discovery. There's something very vulnerable and scary about your deepest thoughts and feelings being exposed to someone else who not only wouldn't understand, but might even judge you. 

I used to only half joke with a longtime friend that I would want her to come over to my place and gut it of all my journals if anything happened to me...the thought of my parents, or anyone really, reading years' worth of words that only mean something to me leaves me feeling bad about myself, if that makes sense. My longtime friend (of twenty five years) knows everything bad there is to know about me so I guess I wouldn't worry about her as much as I would anyone else.

On the other hand, though, I think of a line from an old Three's Company where Cindy explains that her mother found her personal diary and read it from the very first page to the last. When asked what happened, Cindy says her mother fell asleep because it was the most boring thing she had ever read.

Because I struggle with nightmares so much I do keep a dedicated dream diary. It helps a little bit, but I write in that more because my dream life is so much more interesting, no matter how troubling.

 

I am finding great comfort in re-watching "The Incredible Hulk," which aired on CBS from 1977-1982. Bill Bixby, who played kind David Banner, is hypnotic and his character, despite turning into the Hulk, is one of the least toxic men I've ever seen on the tv screen. (And, really, so is Lou Ferringo's character).

During its original run I watched it almost every Friday night. Recently I discovered it on the streaming service Tubi and it amazes me how well it mostly holds up, especially emotionally. Modern technology might make the tv series' special effects seem quaint or archaic, but I much prefer it to CGI.

One of my favorite episodes is "The Beast Within," with this part being absolutely my favorite and also kind of downright adorable, especially since the cub tiger is real and it has been said that they did not want to leave Bill Bixby's lap:

"Hulk Makes Friends with a Tiger"

One thing I haven't been able to give up in gutting certain things from my life is black coffee. I buy a specific kind of coffee to help with my acid reflux and it is amazing:

Boomi Premium Single Origin Instant Coffee Powder - Medium Roast, 100% Arabica, Mold & Mycotoxin Free, Low Acid - 3.5oz Tin 

If alcohol had a way of shutting me down so that everything inside of me started blissfully mumbling, coffee has a way of waking up every thought I have and making anything seem possible. The price that comes with it, though, is amplified anxiety and a self-awareness I'd rather not experience. But, at the same time, there is a smattering of joy that, in those moments, I am very much glad to be alive. I am not hungry, I am not a disaster, I am not all the things I used to rely on alcohol to help soften…in those moments.

My beautiful boy turned 14 in June and I love him so very much. I often wish I had known him from his birth, but I'm still so grateful he came into my life when he was four. He is such a sweet tuxedo cat and my soulmate and he's helped me with certain things in life, like giving up drinking and deciding to live a much healthier lifestyle. 

I've had times where I returned to bad habits before but I think this time I'm sticking to changing, both because of my cat and because you can get away with a lot when it comes to your health at 20, 30, 40, even 50, but once you hit your mid-50s it's not such smooth sailing. I never really rebelled as a child or teen or even as an adult, but my mom's philosophy towards food and other things held on so tightly to me that I wanted to let go in college and then when I moved out on my own. 

But it turns out that sometimes mothers are right about a lot of things...not ALL by any means, but a lot. My mom was diagnosed with breast cancer in her late 30s and that changed how she saw and treated life. We had always had healthy meals and things like that, but after her diagnosis she locked down completely on the best ways to eat and she became more religious and more serious. 

My parents are super conservative and I'm super liberal and that makes for some really challenging times. But as I have gotten older I realize that even though their views shock me sometimes, their advice and attempts to help me come from a very good place. 

They take walks every day, eat impeccably and live quite austerely. I'm not sure I can go quite that distance, but I do know I don't want to play around with my health anymore. I also want to work on being a better daughter.