Do you know how hard it is to be around someone you really like and not blurt out how crazy you are about them? It's hard...and even harder to see them hurting, but not be in a place where you know if it's okay to hug them. 

It can make you shut down and shut up when you should be comforting and, meanwhile, it's all you can do not to say something to the person who caused the one you're worried about so much pain.

They say you only regret the things you didn't do, but I remember the last time I reached out to someone I didn't have an actual real friendship with and the look of horror on her face when I said I cared. I'm so afraid of that happening again, of making someone so uncomfortable...and of a moment that can never be taken back again.

In a slightly related matter...I can't help but think Valentines' Day should be about all kinds of love not just romantic. I saw this article and it's so nice:

http://www.chicagotribune.com/suburbs/vernon-hills/news/ct-vhr-lenhoff-tl-0219-20150210-column.html

Anxiety is a horrible thing. It eats away at you until you no longer enjoy anything, even the most basic, necessary things. Food makes you queasy and sleep, when you're lucky enough to get some, becomes a nightmare you both crave (for the escape) and fear because of the bad dreams.

Some people I know say a small glass of wine helps them relax at night. I thought I'd try it even though I've always been wary of any kind of alcohol. The few times I'd had some it went to my head quickly and made me even sillier than I can be without it.

I've been having a little bit each night for almost a week now and if anything I'm more anxious than ever. I really should just stick to music since it's the only thing in the world that truly puts me at any kind of ease. If I could, I'd wear headphones 24/7.

Besides family and financial concerns, I generally just worry about people, both the ones I like and humankind in general and how hard it is for me to just chill around anyone who isn't a child or senior citizen.

Even as I like people, I sometimes wish I didn't have to be around them. I inevitably say something well-meaning, but incredibly stupid and I make things worse instead of better. I like people I shouldn't and overcompensate for this (for fear of them finding out) by being abrupt or fleeing the scene. I hate to see people sad, yet I have no clue how to be of any comfort.

And while I have never been very good with socializing, it's been even worse lately. I used to think when I was younger that I'd get better at it, but I'm still just (deep down inside) a thirteen year old girl unsure of how to be herself and likable at the same time. Then, as with now, I'm only able to truly hang out with one or two people I'm close with and (always) characters in books.

It's odd that the less likely I see a future of love and having my own family the more I start to believe in the things I used to fear...

I've always been spiritual in some kind way, but it's only since I've struggled with wondering whether I'm a bad person because I'm gay or a bad person because I fail at being good in even the most basic of daily things, it's only since then that I've looked for a more structured spiritual life through reading and searching about Christianity, faith and its different aspects. Funny...turning to the source that has (inadvertently?) fueled so much homophobia.



From an article that's rather interesting and somehow helpful to me, since I find a lot of my anxiety is linked to guilt and I've often wished Methodists (my denomination) could go to Confession:


It is a striking fact about basic human architecture that we want certain actions to remain secret, not because of modesty, but because there is an unarguable sense of having violated a law more basic than that in any law book—the “law written in [our] hearts” to which St. Paul refers (Romans 2:15). It isn’t simply that we fear punishment. It is that we don’t want to be thought of by others as a person who commits such deeds. One of the main obstacles to going to confession is dismay that someone else will know what I want no one to know.

One of the oddest things about the age we live in is that we are made to feel guilty about feeling guilty. There is a cartoon tacked up in our house in which one prisoner says to another, “Just remember—it’s okay to be guilty, but not okay to feel guilty.”

A sense of guilt—the painful awareness of having committed sins—can be life-renewing. Guilt provides a foothold for contrition, which in turn can motivate confession and repentance. Without guilt, there is no remorse; without remorse, there is no possibility of becoming free of habitual sins.

Yet there are forms of guilt that are dead-end streets. If I feel guilty that I have not managed to become the ideal person I occasionally want to be, or that I imagine others want me to be, that is guilt without a divine reference point. It is simply an irritated me contemplating an irritating me. Christianity is not centered on performance, laws, principles, or the achievement of flawless behavior, but on Christ Himself and on participation in God’s transforming love.

When Christ says, “Therefore you shall be perfect, just as your Father in heaven is perfect” (Matthew 5:48), He’s not speaking of getting a perfect score on a test, but of being whole, being in a state of communion, participating fully in God’s love.

the rest is here:

http://www.antiochian.org/content/confession-healing-sacrament




Odds and ends, but still related:

  http://www.eruptingmind.com/the-psychology-of-guilt-overcoming-types-of-guilt/

Guilt has been linked to nightmares, which makes perfect sense, even if that doesn't really help with getting rid of them:

  http://www.charminghealth.com/applicability/nightmare.htm

I can't turn it off, I just can't. You can no more turn off your heart's ability to care than you can...oh, I don't know. Right now, I can't think of a good comparison. I just know it's almost impossible to stop caring.

So I won't. I'll just keep my feelings to myself (as I hope I've been) and wish her all the best. It's just really hard to see someone sad or going through something when you know you have no real right to care...or even help. All you can do is sincerely, actually, wish them the best. And pray too, if that's what you do.

I love Buzz Books, both for young adult and adult reads. The spring editions are out and there are some great books coming out soon! :)

You can go into the iBooks store and download both to your iPad, iPhone or iPod Touch.

This short story collection I just finished reading is really...odd. odd as in I don't think I've ever ready anything like it before.

And yet, I think it's actually helping me realize things I should have realized on my own long ago. Though it is lesbian fiction, it's generalized enough that it applies to anyone who has ever been captivated and captured by love.

Beautiful and heartbreaking, this collection of short stories pulled me down with its sadness, but then would bring me back up with its promise of hope and the idea that love comes in many forms and can still be love even when it's not returned. I often highlight in my Kindle, but never so much as this time around. Karen Campbell's writing is stark and painful and lovely and I found it be comforting and unnerving to recognize so much in her wonderful stories. "I don't like the silence at night, i Beautiful and heartbreaking, Little Whispers pulled me down with its sadness, but then would bring me back up with its promise of hope and the idea that love comes in many forms and can still be love even when it's not returned. I often highlight in my Kindle, but never so much as this time around. Karen Campbell's writing is stark and painful and lovely and I found it be comforting and unnerving to recognize so much in her wonderful stories. "I don't like the silence at night, in my blackened room. It makes me feel like a tree on its own. Trees should grow together, like a big family, shading and protecting each other." "...so I turned my music up louder and I drowned the screams in my mind. Music can override every misery." Having first read her work in L is For, I am super glad to have read Little Whispers and will definitely seek out more of her fiction.