So I actually got a lot of cleaning and big items laundry done today and other "catch-up" things and just sat down to discover my iPhone battery life is dropping at 1% per minute...which it doesn't do, ever.

I just upgraded for my 5s phone in August and I've never had trouble with Apple products before. This article may not end up solving the problem, but even if it doesn't it still has some helpful information:

http://www.scottyloveless.com/blog/2014/the-ultimate-guide-to-solving-ios-battery-drain

And this explains airplane mode use:

http://fieldguide.gizmodo.com/three-uses-for-airplane-mode-that-dont-involve-flying-1584166499

I got enough charge from listening to music and feeling productive today and exercising that my mood has really improved. (Thank you, endorphins!)

And I do believe that, though it must certainly be nice and wonderful, you don't need to be part of a couple to have a good Valentine's Day! It can be for friendship and family too and, besides, love should be part of every day, anyway. If anyone is reading this, I wish you lots of love and goodness this weekend! :)

There are so many songs from the past I've 'gotten over' through the years, but no matter where I am or when it comes on, especially unexpectedly, "Everybody Wants To Rule The World" still takes me back to ninth grade and how scary and exciting I found high school.

I remember the good...English class (our teacher's gentle voice and how she made Cry, The Beloved Country a book I would never forget)...how then my best friend (whom I met that year) and I would not let go of our Duran Duran obsession...

and the bad...big hair and my first horrible, horrible crush (thankfully, not on my friend) and how I didn't know what to do with all those weird feelings and how grateful I was I had a good friend and actually liked learning and that it was blessed distraction not a curse.

Other songs like Jellybean's "Sidewalk Talk" (featuring Madonna) remind me (crazy as it is that I can sometimes forget) that my sister and I used to be really close and would sometimes like the same music and even hang out while we listened to it.

I honestly don't know that I would change growing up in the 80s no matter how much I sometimes hated some of it at the time. Though I much prefer other music over that from my teen years, no other quite affects me the same way.

The writer of this article explores the deep connection between music and memory:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-athletes-way/201312/why-do-the-songs-your-past-evoke-such-vivid-memories

 

I can honestly say that I don't think I've ever read anything that is both adorable and racy. I'm not normally one for racy romances, but Little Things is so well-written, so funny and deals with social anxiety* in such an authentic, touching way that the risqué parts (not an overwhelming aspect anyway) are fine.

There is humor that makes you smile ("The chrysanthemums looked like Iron Man and Harry Potter had made the colour selections, and then decided to go for broke on volume.") and heartache that may be all too familiar ("Getting up was hard, but necessary. Smiling was even more so. She crinkled her eyes and bared her teeth and trusted the world not to know the difference.")

Little Things is short, but its length works, the relationship is sweet and the writing (it bares mentioning again) is fantastic. It's only 99 cents on Amazon, but I would have paid more...it's that good!

 

 

 

*For anyone who has ever suffered social anxiety, particularly the fear of being looked at and judged, this story is more than just a story. It's like finding someone else who understands you.

 

I can probably count on one hand the amount of fiction I've read where the main character is portrayed as human and real and not automatically "undateable" because she has genuine fears and concerns and anxieties and has daily mantras like the one below. Fiction like this has the power to make a bad day better.

 

“You have this,” she reminded herself. “Just little longer and you can go home.” She breathed, folding her tears back inside and gently placing the hurting, overwhelmed portion of her psyche in a small mental box.

 

 

 

Do you know how hard it is to be around someone you really like and not blurt out how crazy you are about them? It's hard...and even harder to see them hurting, but not be in a place where you know if it's okay to hug them. 

It can make you shut down and shut up when you should be comforting and, meanwhile, it's all you can do not to say something to the person who caused the one you're worried about so much pain.

They say you only regret the things you didn't do, but I remember the last time I reached out to someone I didn't have an actual real friendship with and the look of horror on her face when I said I cared. I'm so afraid of that happening again, of making someone so uncomfortable...and of a moment that can never be taken back again.

In a slightly related matter...I can't help but think Valentines' Day should be about all kinds of love not just romantic. I saw this article and it's so nice:

http://www.chicagotribune.com/suburbs/vernon-hills/news/ct-vhr-lenhoff-tl-0219-20150210-column.html

Anxiety is a horrible thing. It eats away at you until you no longer enjoy anything, even the most basic, necessary things. Food makes you queasy and sleep, when you're lucky enough to get some, becomes a nightmare you both crave (for the escape) and fear because of the bad dreams.

Some people I know say a small glass of wine helps them relax at night. I thought I'd try it even though I've always been wary of any kind of alcohol. The few times I'd had some it went to my head quickly and made me even sillier than I can be without it.

I've been having a little bit each night for almost a week now and if anything I'm more anxious than ever. I really should just stick to music since it's the only thing in the world that truly puts me at any kind of ease. If I could, I'd wear headphones 24/7.

Besides family and financial concerns, I generally just worry about people, both the ones I like and humankind in general and how hard it is for me to just chill around anyone who isn't a child or senior citizen.

Even as I like people, I sometimes wish I didn't have to be around them. I inevitably say something well-meaning, but incredibly stupid and I make things worse instead of better. I like people I shouldn't and overcompensate for this (for fear of them finding out) by being abrupt or fleeing the scene. I hate to see people sad, yet I have no clue how to be of any comfort.

And while I have never been very good with socializing, it's been even worse lately. I used to think when I was younger that I'd get better at it, but I'm still just (deep down inside) a thirteen year old girl unsure of how to be herself and likable at the same time. Then, as with now, I'm only able to truly hang out with one or two people I'm close with and (always) characters in books.

It's odd that the less likely I see a future of love and having my own family the more I start to believe in the things I used to fear...

I've always been spiritual in some kind way, but it's only since I've struggled with wondering whether I'm a bad person because I'm gay or a bad person because I fail at being good in even the most basic of daily things, it's only since then that I've looked for a more structured spiritual life through reading and searching about Christianity, faith and its different aspects. Funny...turning to the source that has (inadvertently?) fueled so much homophobia.



From an article that's rather interesting and somehow helpful to me, since I find a lot of my anxiety is linked to guilt and I've often wished Methodists (my denomination) could go to Confession:


It is a striking fact about basic human architecture that we want certain actions to remain secret, not because of modesty, but because there is an unarguable sense of having violated a law more basic than that in any law book—the “law written in [our] hearts” to which St. Paul refers (Romans 2:15). It isn’t simply that we fear punishment. It is that we don’t want to be thought of by others as a person who commits such deeds. One of the main obstacles to going to confession is dismay that someone else will know what I want no one to know.

One of the oddest things about the age we live in is that we are made to feel guilty about feeling guilty. There is a cartoon tacked up in our house in which one prisoner says to another, “Just remember—it’s okay to be guilty, but not okay to feel guilty.”

A sense of guilt—the painful awareness of having committed sins—can be life-renewing. Guilt provides a foothold for contrition, which in turn can motivate confession and repentance. Without guilt, there is no remorse; without remorse, there is no possibility of becoming free of habitual sins.

Yet there are forms of guilt that are dead-end streets. If I feel guilty that I have not managed to become the ideal person I occasionally want to be, or that I imagine others want me to be, that is guilt without a divine reference point. It is simply an irritated me contemplating an irritating me. Christianity is not centered on performance, laws, principles, or the achievement of flawless behavior, but on Christ Himself and on participation in God’s transforming love.

When Christ says, “Therefore you shall be perfect, just as your Father in heaven is perfect” (Matthew 5:48), He’s not speaking of getting a perfect score on a test, but of being whole, being in a state of communion, participating fully in God’s love.

the rest is here:

http://www.antiochian.org/content/confession-healing-sacrament




Odds and ends, but still related:

  http://www.eruptingmind.com/the-psychology-of-guilt-overcoming-types-of-guilt/

Guilt has been linked to nightmares, which makes perfect sense, even if that doesn't really help with getting rid of them:

  http://www.charminghealth.com/applicability/nightmare.htm