I've been thinking about what I wrote yesterday and also about how I realize bullying can't be blamed for where I am in my life. I'd say that most of the time I never even think about my childhood, except in my dream life. Sometimes, because I have lived in the same town since birth, I even bump into some of the people I knew in school and I remain unscathed.

Just because I'm a statistic (over 50 and never married and single) that matches the adult aftermath of childhood bullying doesn't mean I'm excused for how my life turned out or that it even serves as an explanation.

There are so many reasons: I never met anyone who felt the same about me, I never really experienced an active dating life and (most important to me) I never had the courage or defiance within me to break through my family's expectations that I literally live the straight (pun intended, or is it no pun intended?) and narrow life.

We are all responsible for our own actions, at least to a huge extent, in many situations. I could have tried harder with my looks, eaten less food, been less selfish.

I also know that deep down I didn't want to end up alone and where I am in my life now. I am unbelievably aware, as a childless cat lady and celibate lesbian, that I chose the path still frowned on by much of society. I'm not saying I chose to be gay (I firmly believe no one does) but that I chose what to do about it, if that makes sense.

Most days I am fine with my childless cat lady status (no matter what Mr. Vance says about women like me). But on the days I am not fine and I hear the unhappiness in my mother's voice because I never married (a man, obviously) or I see unwelcome pity in long ago friends I bump into at the grocery store I can't think of a good defense. I see what they see, a woman who is so unappealing and out of sync with the rest of the world, she is faking almost all of her daily actions outside the home.

Where I work is a family-centered place so I am around "normal society" every single day I'm on the job. Women with multiple children (especially when all are under the age of five) come in and I practically hyperventilate at all the responsibility and work that must come with that. I don't see the joy that I know is there, that I refuse to see because it will force me to recognize my colossal failures as a woman and daughter. I convince myself they are faking at their lives just like I am, but, truly, I know I'm only kidding myself.

I think back to when a boy in one of my classes back in high school told me he saw a future cat lady in me and that I should just go ahead and accept it. For years I was able to laugh at that, then lovingly embrace it when a cat actually did come into my life (a cat I love more than I ever could have imagined, by the way).

But now I wonder if I were a more deserving person, more acquainted with the right ways of living and the looks and personality I need, if I couldn't have been a cat lady and a person with both humans and feline as family.

 I asked AI this:

I wish so much I had kept a journal in high school but I didn’t and I know memory is unreliable so I don’t know how to retrieve some of my memories. I’m trying to explore to help me deal with some traumatic dreams I’ve been having over the years. Is there any way to retrieve accurate old memories through writing?

And it gave me some advice, some of which I already knew, but some that strikes as quite promising:

It's understandable that you feel this way, and it's great that you're exploring ways to process your experiences and dreams. While you may not have kept a journal in high school, writing can still be a powerful tool for retrieving and processing memories. Here are some strategies to help you explore and recover memories through writing:

### 1. **Free Writing**

   - Set aside time to write freely about your high school years without worrying about structure or accuracy. Let your thoughts flow, even if they feel fragmented or disconnected. This can help unlock memories that are buried beneath the surface.

   - Start with prompts like: "What do I remember about my high school classroom?" or "Who were my closest friends, and what did we do together?"

### 2. **Sensory Prompts**

   - Memories are often tied to sensory experiences. Write about specific senses (sights, sounds, smells, tastes, textures) associated with high school. For example:

     - What did the hallways smell like?

     - What songs were popular at the time, and how did they make you feel?

     - What did your favorite outfit or backpack feel like?

   - These details can trigger deeper memories.

### 3. **Timeline Approach**

   - Create a timeline of your high school years, marking key events, people, and places. Even if you can’t remember everything, jot down what you do recall. Over time, this can help fill in gaps and spark additional memories.

### 4. **Dialogue Writing**

   - Write imaginary conversations with people from your past, such as friends, teachers, or family members. This can help you access emotions and memories tied to those relationships.

### 5. **Dream Exploration**

   - Since you’re having traumatic dreams, try writing them down as soon as you wake up. Then, reflect on them by asking:

     - What emotions do these dreams evoke?

     - Are there any connections to events or feelings from high school?

     - What might these dreams be trying to tell you?

   - This can help you uncover unresolved emotions or memories.

### 6. **Photo or Object Triggers**

   - If you have old photos, yearbooks, or objects from high school, use them as prompts for writing. Describe what you see or feel when you look at them, and let your mind wander to related memories.

### 7. **Letter Writing**

   - Write letters to your younger self or to people from your past. This can help you process emotions and uncover memories you may have suppressed.

### 8. **Guided Memory Exercises**

   - Use guided memory exercises, such as visualizing yourself walking through your high school or sitting in a specific class. Write down everything you "see" in your mind’s eye, even if it feels vague or incomplete.

### 9. **Thematic Exploration**

   - Focus on specific themes, such as friendships, challenges, achievements, or regrets. Writing about these themes can help you recall related events and emotions.

### 10. **Be Patient and Gentle with Yourself**

   - Memory retrieval can be slow and emotional, especially when dealing with trauma. Allow yourself to take breaks and approach the process with self-compassion.

### Additional Support

If your traumatic dreams or memories feel overwhelming, consider seeking support from a therapist or counselor. They can help you process these experiences in a safe and structured way, often using techniques like **EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing)** or **trauma-focused cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT)**.

Writing can be a powerful tool for healing, but it’s important to balance it with self-care and professional guidance if needed. You’re taking a brave step by exploring these memories, and with time, you may find clarity and peace.

I've heard it said more than once (and some of those times very recently, too) that young boys pick on girl classmates because they secretly like them. Not only is this not always true (believe me on this!) but even if it is sometimes true, it is deeply problematic.

Telling young girls that this kind of behavior is indicative of a crush or something else seemingly innocent is actually telling young girls that teasing and tormenting are acceptable and normal. I know I'm not the only one who feels this way because I've heard and seen others comment on how horrible it is to make unacceptable behavior a "boys will be boys" thing.

I think back to my own experiences and how boys (and girls too) said very cruel things and threw things in my very big and curly and auburn hair and how I knew from a young age this was not because of any secret crushes. This was abuse for abuse’s sake. 

My teasing was not secretly coded. It was what it was: my classmates showing and telling me I was a freak, an oddity, someone who was so repulsive I was a constantly moving target. 

As middle school ended and high school began, I found the teasing and torment eased and instead my invisibility became the norm. I wasn't seen because I wasn't worth being seen. (Studies on bullying have included one that connects being bullied as a child to not being married at age 50 or above, which is what I am.)*

Other children's stories are different but no less abusive; in fact I know my story would pale next to others'. 

To tell a young girl that a boy is only making her life miserable because he likes her (in the times when the instances of this may actually be true) is not reassuring or making excuses...it is telling young girls (then later on: women) that this is how boys and men are and that they should just accept this.

On a side note, I just want to add that years ago I received a really nice note in my Facebook Messenger that helped me and validated that I had not been imagining or exaggerating things in my mind and memory. I saved it so that I could look it if I ever needed to fall back on the comfort it brought me. 

I remember trying to tell my parents once about what was going on and they told me that I needed to be stronger and not take things so personally. Their attitude had compounded things, but I also remember thinking at the time that since they both had very difficult childhoods growing up maybe I should just suck things up.

Getting the message below eased a lot of the pain I had felt both from the bullying and my parents not taking what I told them seriously.

* https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC4552909/#:~:text=Being%20a%20victim%20of%20bullying,social%20support%20at%20age%2050.

other links:

https://www.quora.com/Why-is-red-hair-mocked

https://new.calderdale.gov.uk/schools-and-learning/youth-support/bullying/if-you-are-being-bullied#:~:text=You%20do%20not!,the%20way%20people%20treat%20us.

Each day I swear I won't look at the news and yet each I do. I used to have anger rise up in me so fast and furious it terrified me and made me sound unreasonable, even if I vocalized it. Now, I'm a deflated balloon with no idea or plan how to get going again. Whether it's Musk or Trump or some of the Republicans speaking out (and bragging) about overturning gay marriage, I just have no fight left, just sadness.

Sometimes I have fleeting, but very memorable and crazy high school memories...like the time my 10th grade English teacher read a scene from MacBeth right before a mouse ran across the room and Mrs. M hopped on top of the desk faster than I'd ever seen anyone move before. 

"Dude, I didn't know Lady Macbeth had a dog," commented one boy(perfectly serious and not seeing the mouse at all) in reference to our teacher saying "out damn spot."

Other equally strong, but far less funny and more devastating memories I seem to have made an entire career out of submerging. So perhaps that's why I've been having recurring dreams, going on decades, about something else that happened during high school that was far more alarming than a rogue mouse amidst Shakespeare.

I had one of the variations of the dream last night and as I always do after I wake from having it I wonder what is wrong with me that I still dream about something that happened so long ago and that the dreams can be so happy sad. 

One time, in one of my rare moments to try and put a stop to the dreams by actually acknowledging them, I wrote a hypothetical letter in my journal to try and find closure and apologize, in some kind of metaphysical way I suppose.

Reaching out to someone to apologize for overstepping boundaries years and years ago just seems selfish and wrong and possibly triggering so I knew I could never actually send anything. But I think when you realize you've wronged someone and you have no way to make up for that, it can haunt you for a long, long time, either in your real life or your dream, or both.

At that time in high school (and, really, still now) I was a very geeky unpopular girl who had a crush on another classmate. I didn't have any inappropriate longings or anything like that, but I deeply wanted a friendship I knew I could never have and it was up to me to recognize that fact and the kind and sensitive but still firm social cues I should have picked up from my classmate. Instead, though not by any intentions I was aware of, I became a huge pest and how can you ever apologize for something like that?