Saturday, March 14, 2026

More spring cleaning and more journal finding yesterday…I found a 2000 journal wedged behind one of my drawers that I have not seen in years and thought I had lost a long time ago.

Sitting down and reading through it I realized it is the most detailed of my diaries and, though I have little confidence in so many things, probably the best written of all the journals I kept.

I had forgotten my early 00s extensive social life and I enjoyed reading about times with my coworkers much earlier on in a job that sometimes doesn't give me as much joy as it used to do. 

Though I tend to remember my times with my niece because they were such happy times I'm glad there are details about those times as well. She was such a delight as a child and I feel blessed that she and I are friends now as adults.

As my diaries move into the late 00s and early 10s they become less event-driven and more internal and more bleak. I regret now not writing about events or things that happened in my life then. There are a few, like the time I saw someone I knew at Whole Foods and hid behind a display because of fear and shame from a decades old event.

Plus, I still find myself wishing I had kept a diary in high school...I think it would help me remember things. I'm not sure it's normal to have complete blank pages in your mind's memory for any time before adulthood.

Wednesday, March 11, 2026

on vacation this week and using it to stay home and catch up on things and to clean and hang out with my cat.

In my de-cluttering of my closet I found an old box I didn’t even remember having: it has diaries from the mid to late 00s. 

Looking at them now, I think I was probably more mentally and emotionally off back then than I am now, but in a personal way, not in a political way like I am now.

It’s already my fifth day off and I still have so much to do. Plus, I’ve gotten lost in the world that is Substack and I have a pile of books I still want to finish reading.

The more I see how amazing so many writers online are the more I’m like ‘why write,’ but then I realize I write to try and heal, not because I think I have anything to say. 

There are so many, many good writers in the world and I want more time so I can read them but there are so many other things to be done first though.

That is why I just don’t understand boredom. Boredom seems like such a luxury in a world where free time is hard to come by for a lot of people.

Friday, March 6, 2026

The Story of the Garden of Eden. It’s a neat, tidy tale with a clear moral: Adam was minding his own business, Eve was curious and disobedient, ate the fruit, and doomed humanity forever.

But if you dig a little deeper into the Midrash—the ancient Jewish commentaries that fill in the gaps of the Torah—you find another story. A story that was literally too wild, too powerful, and too threatening to make it into the final cut of the Bible. It’s the story of Lilith.

And it’s the story of how we’ve been demonizing women for simply owning themselves ever since.

The story goes that in the very beginning, God didn’t create Eve from Adam’s rib. Instead, He created them equally, at the same time, from the dust of the earth. This was Lilith, the first woman.

Imagine it: two beings, formed of the same stuff, standing on the same ground. For a while, it worked. But soon, a power struggle emerged. According to the medieval text The Alphabet of Ben Sira, the argument came to a head over something incredibly basic: their sex life. Adam wanted Lilith to always lie beneath him. Lilith refused.

“Why should I lie beneath you,” she asked, “when we are both equal, created from the same dust?”

Adam, not loving this challenge to his authority, tried to force the issue. And Lilith, in a moment of sheer, audacious power, spoke the unspeakable name of God, grew wings, and flew away from the garden. She chose exile over subjugation.

God sent three angels to bring her back, with a warning: if she didn’t return, one hundred of her children would die every day. Lilith, choosing her own freedom over a life of subservience, still refused to go back to a life beneath Adam.

And that’s when the propaganda machine started.

Suddenly, Lilith wasn’t a woman fighting for equality. She was a demon. A succubus. A murderer of infants. A creature of the night who threatened the sanctity of the patriarchal family unit. History’s first feminist was re-branded as history’s first monster.

With Lilith gone, God tried again. This time, He used Adam’s rib. A bone from his side, not dust from the ground. She was created from him, for him. The Hebrew term often translated as “helpmeet” or “helper” is ezer kenegdo, which can also mean “power alongside,” but the context of her creation from his rib certainly implies a secondary, derivative status.

And yet, even this more “compliant” version of womanhood wasn’t safe from blame.

We all know what happened next. The serpent, the fruit, the temptation. But look at how the story is read. Eve was deceived. She was tricked. Adam, who was standing right there with her according to the text, ate the fruit without any recorded protest.

But who gets the blame? Who carries the weight of "The Fall" for the next several millennia? Eve.

The name itself became a slur. She became the archetype for female weakness, curiosity, and the inherent danger of feminine wiles. St. Paul later used her to justify the subjugation of women in the early church: “I do not permit a woman to teach or to assume authority over a man; she must be quiet. For Adam was formed first, then Eve. And Adam was not the one deceived; it was the woman who was deceived and became a sinner.”

With these few words, Eve’s mistake became a life sentence for every woman who came after her. The narrative was set: women were intellectually inferior, morally weaker, and a constant source of temptation. If Eve hadn't messed up, we'd still be in paradise. Thanks a lot, Eve.

When you look at these two stories side-by-side, a chilling pattern emerges.

Lilith refused to be subservient. She demanded equality. The result? She was labeled a demon, a threat to the natural order, a creature to be feared and whose name should never be spoken.

Eve accepted her secondary status (or had it built into her very origin). She made a mistake. The result? She was labeled a sinner, a scapegoat for all of humanity’s problems, and the "proof" that women needed to be controlled.

There was no winning.

If you demand to be seen as an equal, you are an unnatural monster (a Lilith). If you exist within the system and make a single error, you are the reason for all the world’s pain (an Eve).

This isn't just ancient mytholog, it is also the blueprint for how Western society has treated women for centuries. It’s the virgin/whore dichotomy, the Madonna/whore complex. Be pure, be quiet, be submissive—but if you fail in the tiniest way, you are the original source of all sin. And if you dare to speak up and demand to be seen as a full human being, you are a hysterical, difficult, or dangerous woman.

It’s why women in power are often described as "bossy" or "cold" while men are "assertive" and "strong." It’s why a woman’s mistakes are magnified and her character is attacked, while a man’s are often excused as "boys will be boys."

In the 1970s, the Jewish feminist movement adopted Lilith as a symbol. They saw her not as a demon, but as the first independent woman. They started Lilith Magazine to give voice to a feminist Jewish perspective. They took the monster the patriarchy created and reclaimed her as a hero.

It’s a powerful act: to look at the stories we’ve been told and ask, "Who benefits from this narrative?"

Lilith was demonized for being her own person. Eve was villainized for making a choice in a system rigged against her. They are two sides of the same coin—the "good woman" and the "bad woman"—both designed to keep women in line.

So the next time you hear the story of the Garden of Eden, remember Lilith, who flew away. Remember Eve, who bore the blame for millions. And remember that the urge for freedom, the desire for equality, and the courage to make choices, even the wrong ones, isn't demonic. It’s human.

Maybe it’s time we stopped demonizing women for being exactly that.

Wednesday, March 4, 2026

Three cups of black coffee in me today and I'm wondering why my heart is thumping so much. I make the connection between the two, obviously, but somehow I always forget and I still end up over caffeinated. 

I don't sleep very well and so coffee has been a necessary evil in my life for decades now. It also used to help me lower my appetite and weight, but not so much as I get older.

Oddly enough, though, I do find black coffee curbs my sugar fix need. I thought it was in my head, but then I looked it up:


Yes, there is a strong link between drinking black coffee and reduced sugar cravings, primarily because it helps stabilize blood sugar and suppresses appetite. The caffeine and compounds like chlorogenic acid can increase metabolism, promote fat-burning, and reduce hunger, which helps curb the desire for sweet, calorie-dense foods.
Key Connections Between Black Coffee and Lower Sugar Intake:
  • Appetite Suppression: Coffee, particularly black, can boost metabolism and reduce hunger, making you less likely to crave sugary snacks.
  • Hormonal Regulation: Drinking black coffee can increase levels of serotonin, which suppresses appetite, and decrease the hunger-inducing hormone ghrelin.
  • No Added Sugar: By drinking black coffee, you eliminate the daily intake of sugar and cream, which can prevent the cycle of craving more sugar later in the day.
  • Improved Insulin Sensitivity: While high caffeine intake can cause short-term spikes in some, long-term black coffee consumption is associated with better blood sugar control and a lower risk of type 2 diabetes.

Wednesday, February 11, 2026

 



I'm reading Where Sleeping Girls Lie and this passage hits hard:


It was hard to think that you might never see someone again. Though, with her luck, you might see them again, in your daydreams and nightmares.


There have been at least three people in my lifetime I knew I would never see again and it hurt so much the pain took a long time to go away. And though I truly never have seen them again, they do indeed show up in my dreams and nightmares.