music, books, love and kindness

Late this afternoon, after work, I did something I never ever do: I went by the liquor store. I didn't get anything too heavy, mostly because I can count on one hand how many times I've had alcohol in my life and I've never been drunk. I don't plan on it in the future, either.

It's weird how I pass by the place whenever I go to the local Giant grocery store and not once have I seen a woman go in or out of the door. I swore to myself when I was younger that I would never go in one because I'd seen firsthand what alcohol did to members of my family. I associated going in during the day as something almost devilish and disturbing.

But today I went in anyway and, just as I'd seen among many exits over the years, there were only men inside. No one paid me any attention, but I still felt like I was out of place.

I bought Seagram's Calypso Colada and, besides being the exact shade of the Caribbean ocean, it tastes heavenly...a huge surprise for me since the taste of wine, beer or any other like it has never appealed to me. But there is one thing I remember from the few times I've imbibed and that's the pleasant numbness that starts to spread through you. You forget things that bother you and even relax to the point you find nothing wrong with the world at all.

Of course, this is not something I want to get in the habit of, at all. I hate the thought of using numbness to try and feel better about things. It's not healthy nor is it any kind of solution at all. And it won't make forget what I most want to forget.

It has given me an odd clarity, though, on the situation I write about here from time to time. I realize in all this unrequited love mess, or crush (or whatever it is), that I don't want the person to like me back. It's not only impossible and wrong, it's not what's at the heart of the problem for me.

Ever since I discovered I have feelings for her, I've been wrestling with intense guilt. And I guess I would love (more than anything else related to it) to know that if she did know she would somehow find it possible to forgive me.


...

In a slightly related manner, I did a Google search and found this terrific wiki how article on being indifferent:

how to be indifferent