music, books, love and kindness

I have loved teddy bears since I was a child. It's not at all abnormal to collect and love them as a kid, I know, but is it okay to have a huge collection of these adorably stuffed creatures as an adult?

Teddy bears, especially when coupled together (now I know I sound kooky), make me think of love...a safe kind of love, the kind of love someone who has no experience with can build up in her mind.

Having completely lived on my own for almost eighteen years, I usually am more alone than lonely. I gave up on love a while back, not out of cynicism (to be cynical would almost be a luxury when a huge part of you is still an unrealistically hopeless romantic) but out of practicality. Personal history has shown it's just not in the cards for me and I'm okay with that.

They say unrequited love is just a way of holding off the real thing, that people like me (relationship-challenged, secretly shy, totally out of sync with how romantic and physical love work) fall into it as a way of avoiding a chance with someone who might actually like us back.

I don't buy that. Sure, it might come across as easier to like someone from afar and enjoy those interior dancing butterflies and the little moments of joy that come from seeing your crush walk into a room. But there's also a lot of pain (the guilt...the futility of it...the knowledge your feelings for them might actually make them dislike you upon discovery.) Unrequited love (or crushes or whatever you want to call it) sucks...plain and simple. I hate the word "suck," but it's the only word I can think of right now.

It'd be much nicer and less hard on the heart to find someone with whom to be in a mutually loving relationship...that would be happier, more free and flowing. Yes, of course, relationships can be hard work. But the idea of having someone to come home to...to cook for...to share quiet nights on the couch watching old movies with or to go to the park or just be (just be as in the simplest sense of the word, peacefully and comfortably)...that sounds wonderful, not something to avoid or for which to find a substitute.

And, if they also happen to be great at being emotionally available for hugs and some kind words after you wake up from a nightmare, that would be nice too...'cause turning talk radio on in the middle of the night just to hear another human, well that gets kind of old after awhile.

...just some rambling thoughts on a cloudy Friday afternoon. :)