music, books, love and kindness

I don't know why, but today I got to thinking of someone I used to know. We'll call her Jane, though that's not really her name.

I met through her a personals ad years ago, back when I was more willing to try dating and was going through one of my brief periods where my need to find love outweighed my need to please my parents.

Blind dates freak me out as they do other people as well. When I look back now, though, I recall this one more fondly than any other I ever had.

Before we met in person, Jane and I talked for hours almost every night for almost a month. Friendly and inquisitive, a huge reader and sports fanatic, she made our phone conversations very interesting and had a great sense of humor. She also had a very engaging voice and was great at filling in the gaps when I became too shy.

We finally decided to meet. On the day we picked, I walked into the restaurant a nervous wreck. In the lobby we recognized each other from raised eyebrows and shared telephone descriptions and I relaxed. A cross between Susan Sullivan and the mother from "That 70s Show," she had the hearty self-deprecation of a stand-up comedian. It looked like things were going to go smashingly.

Then, about halfway through the meal, she said with lots of gusto: "I could never talk like this with you if I found you attractive."

If anyone else had said that, I would have probably cried inside or been taken aback. But her charming honesty and carefree tone suggested she didn't mean it be cruel. Part of me, in fact, knew exactly what she meant. I have often completely shut down around people I find appealing. Sometimes, I'm lucky if I even remember my name around them.

The difference between her acknowledging she didn't find me attractive and the other times where that had come up in a date was in her approach. She didn't frown as she as soon saw me or jump up suddenly, declaring she'd forgotten to feed her cats before leaving home. She wasn't trying to be mean or hint she wanted the date to be over. We ended up talking for another hour and she promised to call.

I didn't think she would. She was certainly sincere, but had no clear interest in me. After a few days passed and she didn't, I figured she had just been polite. I was a bit disappointed, but not brokenhearted about it.

Then, one night, about a week later, I came home from work to find a message on my answering machine from her asking if I wanted to go on a skiing day trip. I was so flabbergasted and nervous (and also unbelieving it wasn't a joke) that I didn't know what to do...I still didn't know what to until almost a week later. And by the time I worked up the nerve to return the call, it was too late.

Thinking of that this evening, pretty content alone but still wanting to make new friends, I hope I would never be that cowardly again. I need more pluck in life and more social skills, I always have, but this time I really do want to try more.

A kind-of-related website:

http://www.nerdfitness.com/blog/2013/05/13/the-4-step-plan-to-not-suck-at-talking-to-people/