Up until my late 30s, despite evidence to the contrary, I used to believe I could still find mutual, true love, even though that belief came from silly, romance novel-induced hope more than anything else. I knew better, I did, but I wanted it so much I let myself believe the fantasy.
Nowadays, I think my chances of winning the lottery are much higher, but I still like to dream whenever I read something like this:
As always, Dara was struck by the unmistakable love her friends shared. It was so clear that they were meant to be together. Dara swallowed the lump in her throat and blinked back the involuntary tear that threatened to escape. Carolyn and Stan had something she likely would never know. She was so happy for them, but there were times like these when the sight of two people so in love left her longing for more in her life.--All That Lies Within, Lynn Ames
I made a silly wish in a fountain a few years ago and I knew (of course) it wouldn't happen, but (shortly after that) I did meet someone I grew to be fond of...I know the fountain's not to blame, but I did forget to stress reciprocal love when I made that wish.
Though the most ideal solution would to actually stop these feelings once and for all, they seem to still be there...despite praying, despite getting involved in some new activities, despite (luckily) still being able to get lost in books and music. While I have failed miserably in vanquishing the crush, I am finally (I think) finding myself able to function well around this person and not continually act like either a fool or a rude clam.
There are very few good things about having a crush (especially a crush that has lasted way longer than it should and feels like it's never going to end) on someone, except maybe the following.
-It can help (believe it or not) if you're in a situation where your parents have trouble with your being gay and will only accept you if you "deny" that part of yourself (i.e. I don't date in hopes of meeting someone special and plan on remaining single forever.) This may sound odd, but when you truly like someone no one else seems to hold your interest and, therefore, your longing to date dims.
-You never have to worry about being rejected because you're not in a relationship of any kind with them. When you're not feeling guilty, you even sometimes allow yourself just to enjoy their company and how neat they are as a person.
-If you've always known from a fairly young adult age that you're always going to be alone, it isn't the non-reciprocation that hurts (that's a given and something you can accept) but knowing that they would be absolutely aghast at your affection for them. This is where the guilt and lack of good poker face skills really take their toll and what make up most of the pain of liking them.
-When you get to the point that you truly are okay with one-way feelings, you also find joy in their happiness. Of course, this can be frustrating on the opposite end because you hate to see them sad and you have no real right to care about them and actually help.
That may sound silly (there's that word again...but, really aren't crushes and middle age a silly combination?) but when I know it's not my place to see if she's okay I just pray and hope that things work out for her.
Painful moments of occasional crush overload aside, I don't think there's anything wrong with being single your whole life as long as you accept it peacefully and find outlets (friends, family, animals and even strangers who seek your help) for your deep need to care about others.
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