This is something I totally, 100% more than get...and it, for me, gets right to the heart of heartache. I don't mind that the elusive "you" doesn't love me back (of course I get that), it's that I don't know what to do with feelings of love I worry more and more each day will never completely go away.
It's also knowing that love is not only not returned, it's most determinedly unwanted...even if no strings are attached. It doesn't feel that good: to not be wanted nor even needed...to be adrift in a sea of purposelessness that is only calmed when you are absolutely sure you are bothering no one...which is best done, I think, when you make peace with yourself and that maybe you're just one of those people who will always be single.
I know my issues stem from more than just not being attractive. Experts say that the way parents talk to their children sets up their "inner voice" for many years down the road. My parents never said anything cruel to either my sister or me. They might not have been the most lovey dovey of parents, but they always did right by us as best they could, always.
I don't know why I think bad things about myself or only seem to silence that negativity or anxiety when I have my mind in a good book or music or am around the few people I feel at home with...
I refuse to blame the "mean" kids from back when I was in middle school. I'm not even sure they were all that wrong. Maybe, in fact, they saw my solitary future before I did, even if they weren't 100 percent accurate. "You'll never have a boyfriend, you're so ugly." was a chief refrain, though only amongst other girls.
I wanted to laugh and tell them the joke was on them, but what kid in her right mind would "come out" (a term not used that much back then anyway) to her classmates in the early 80s? Besides, I only suspected, I didn't even know what I was feeling had a name until I was in high school.
I think of children who are bullied today and I hope and pray, with all my heart, that teachers are aware and intervene and, most importantly after intervention, are kind and tactful about how they handle it.
When I was growing up the adults at school almost always looked the other way and this upset me far more than the actual bullying did. A boy I used to know (whom I wondered and worried about) was picked on a lot more than me (even physically) and the teachers on cafeteria duty never did a thing about it. His situation was far worse than mine.
Below are two websites I find helpful. The first makes a connection between having red hair and being bullied and the second site is about getting past one's looks:
http://nobullying.com/ginger-hair/
http://www.wikihow.com/Accept-Being-Unattractive
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