So I found myself talking to a cat earlier tonight...as if he might actually answer me. I don't know whether that's a good thing or a bad thing. A good thing because this cat has such soulful eyes and he actually seemed to be listening for once (I've seen him around several times outside where I work) and there is something about attentive eyes (whether they are human or animal) that can make a person pour her heart out. The bad thing, obviously, is my half expecting the cat to answer.
I talk to God out loud, too, but only when I am by myself and at home, but neither the cat nor God (no disrespect to God, I mean that, sincerely) can answer me directly. In the cat's eyes, though, I swear I see something deeper than just a creature who wants his dinner and in God's silence (I am not sure how He would feel about me even if He did talk out loud) I still try and find hope.
I lost my faith for a long time when I was really hating myself for being gay. I mistook really rabid Conservative Christians for all Christians and somehow I took my silent anger out on God. I don't know (really, how can I ever know for sure?) how God feels about gays and lesbians, especially how He feels about us as individuals, as actual people who feel and live and love just like anyone else does.
All I know for sure is that I only started feeling a little less angry, a little less hurt and in pain when I realized I cannot go through life without feeling there is more to this world than the hate and today's crass pop culture and people who look right past you if you aren't pretty enough or "cool" or whatever enough. I find my peace in a hungry cat's eyes and in the hope that there is a God who won't hate me or send me to Hell because of who I happen to love.
I have to believe in something higher, something better, because there are so many times I just don't believe in me.
No comments:
Post a Comment