music, books, love and kindness

Sometimes the sting of embarrassment with yourself is as sharp and cutting as any physical pain can ever be. Finding out something you believed to be true for a long time, discovering that it is not only not true, but was born completely out of your own wishing thinking and that the reality of it all is actually the complete opposite...well, that can hurt enough to make you want to crawl into a hole and never come back out again. 

You can take comfort in thinking (at least, pretty much so) that no one else knew how gullible your heart was, but still you wonder and you hide for a while and maybe even internally retreat a bit once you do make an appearance again. You know deep down inside that your silly little heart is to blame (and hoping for a friendship that you never deserved in the first place) but you also wish people knew that false kindness is far crueler than an obvious, honest dislike could ever be. There is a saying that goes something like "it is better to be slapped with the truth than kissed with a lie" and I cannot help but agree one hundred percent.

And when you have been believing this falseness and this silly little hope was even one of the things keeping you going, you really, really have to re-think your coping skills and come up with a better way to survive. I think the secret to not being unhappy is simply just making peace with knowing the things you hope for the most are probably the things that are never going to happen. Some people, no matter how much you like them, just are not meant to be part of your life.

And, more than you might ever, think: books. When I was reading the weekend edition of the Wall Street Journal earlier, I could not help but be drawn to this quote by writer Faith Sullivan: "Life could toss your sanity about like a glass ball; books were a cushion." Her longest-latesting relationships, the article goes on to say, have always been with books.


The link below is more for general embarrassment, not specific to any kind in particular, but I still find it helpful.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/fulfillment-any-age/201412/the-best-way-deal-embarrassment