One of the saddest
things in the world is to feel, after years and years of thinking there is
something wrong with your heart and that you have closed up shop for good to
your emotions, you have finally met someone you could really and truly love
only to discover that they can never be someone who could really and truly feel
the same way back…
I am a complete
mess, an absolute and complete mess and I need for it to stop. I love a woman
whom I can never really know and cannot even be friends with. Yes, I am super
attracted to her, but these feelings go way beyond that, way beyond. And being
physically attracted to someone is really all moot, anyway, especially here in
this one-sided emotional train wreck of mine. The only good that can come from
my being so messed up in ‘those’ areas of my life is that it keeps me from
wanting things I can never ever have. Even if she threw herself at me (which
would NEVER happen) and hugged and kissed me, I still would not be able to go there.
Muddled as this
sounds, this is how I can best explain it, with a horribly raw and embarrassing
truth: I am drawn to her like I have never been drawn to anyone, ever before.
On a different planet, in a different dimension, wherever I could actually have
a chance with her (which is nowhere, really) I long to hold and kiss her.
There: I said it. I am ashamed, but it is the truth: I long for her. Just
reading that back to myself I have to laugh, I have never longed for anyone in
my life before, never. It physically hurts how much I wish I could spend time
with her. It hurts in my heart, it hurts in my soul and worst of all, it hurts all
throughout me, in every bone and in every pore.
What are the the
things that keep a person from being loved by the one they love? Obvious things
aside, of course, like the immutable fact she does not love me (that does not
even need to be said, it is so obvious) but, more importantly, the moral facts,
like: she is happily married and has a family and a very full life, all of
which is the way it should be and are the moral truths. BUT what are the things
specific to me that keep someone, anyone, from loving me, that have kept me
loveless all my adult life?
Where do I even
begin? With my physical ugliness or my spiritual? With my awkwardness and (apparently,
from what others have said) little girl appearance that is completely devoid of
ANY kind of appeal, much less sexual? With the absolution conviction that even
if someone COULD get past my appearance and other physical limitations, they
would soon discover just how boring I am. My heart is breaking over all of
this, but most, of all, it is breaking over how I do not even feel like it is alright
for me to just care about her, even if it is only silently and from afar L
I feel so silly for
crying over this as much as I do…silly because it is futile, silly because it
is me we are talking about and silly because she would probably be full of
horror if she knew.
I think it takes a certain
level of sadness and wine to get at the heart of some truths and this is the
truth I know with painful certainty: you not only have to accept that you are
unlovable to the person you love, you have to move on and let go, completely. I
used to wonder what was the difference between love and obsession and now I
know with every cell within my body.
It is perfectly
normal and okay to think a lot about the person you love if you are in a
healthy and reciprocated relationship and she loves you back…THAT is love. It
is not so acceptable (nor so normal) to continue to think about someone you
love who not only does not love you back, but is not even in your life…THAT is
obsession. It may genuinely be love (because I have never believed that love
doesn’t count if only one person is in love) but it can become a very unhealthy
one if you are in it alone and you never let go. Letting go does not mean you
no longer love her, it just means you let go, period. And I HAVE to let go or I
am going to completely fall apart.
Another thing that
differentiates the two (and is HUGE) is this: the quality of the person who
loves the one who does not love back…G, for instance, is so out of my league
she is in another universe. I am not only not worthy of her, I am worthless, when
I mentally imagine myself beside her in friendship or even just in comparison.
And THAT certainly is not healthy :(
And wine and sadness
have made me realize something else: I do NOT want to feel this way any more.
