Monday, September 5, 2016

One of the saddest things in the world is to feel, after years and years of thinking there is something wrong with your heart and that you have closed up shop for good to your emotions, you have finally met someone you could really and truly love only to discover that they can never be someone who could really and truly feel the same way back…

I am a complete mess, an absolute and complete mess and I need for it to stop. I love a woman whom I can never really know and cannot even be friends with. Yes, I am super attracted to her, but these feelings go way beyond that, way beyond. And being physically attracted to someone is really all moot, anyway, especially here in this one-sided emotional train wreck of mine. The only good that can come from my being so messed up in ‘those’ areas of my life is that it keeps me from wanting things I can never ever have. Even if she threw herself at me (which would NEVER happen) and hugged and kissed me, I still would not be able to go there.

Muddled as this sounds, this is how I can best explain it, with a horribly raw and embarrassing truth: I am drawn to her like I have never been drawn to anyone, ever before. On a different planet, in a different dimension, wherever I could actually have a chance with her (which is nowhere, really) I long to hold and kiss her. There: I said it. I am ashamed, but it is the truth: I long for her. Just reading that back to myself I have to laugh, I have never longed for anyone in my life before, never. It physically hurts how much I wish I could spend time with her. It hurts in my heart, it hurts in my soul and worst of all, it hurts all throughout me, in every bone and in every pore.

What are the the things that keep a person from being loved by the one they love? Obvious things aside, of course, like the immutable fact she does not love me (that does not even need to be said, it is so obvious) but, more importantly, the moral facts, like: she is happily married and has a family and a very full life, all of which is the way it should be and are the moral truths. BUT what are the things specific to me that keep someone, anyone, from loving me, that have kept me loveless all my adult life?

Where do I even begin? With my physical ugliness or my spiritual? With my awkwardness and (apparently, from what others have said) little girl appearance that is completely devoid of ANY kind of appeal, much less sexual? With the absolution conviction that even if someone COULD get past my appearance and other physical limitations, they would soon discover just how boring I am. My heart is breaking over all of this, but most, of all, it is breaking over how I do not even feel like it is alright for me to just care about her, even if it is only silently and from afar L

I feel so silly for crying over this as much as I do…silly because it is futile, silly because it is me we are talking about and silly because she would probably be full of horror if she knew.

I think it takes a certain level of sadness and wine to get at the heart of some truths and this is the truth I know with painful certainty: you not only have to accept that you are unlovable to the person you love, you have to move on and let go, completely. I used to wonder what was the difference between love and obsession and now I know with every cell within my body.

It is perfectly normal and okay to think a lot about the person you love if you are in a healthy and reciprocated relationship and she loves you back…THAT is love. It is not so acceptable (nor so normal) to continue to think about someone you love who not only does not love you back, but is not even in your life…THAT is obsession. It may genuinely be love (because I have never believed that love doesn’t count if only one person is in love) but it can become a very unhealthy one if you are in it alone and you never let go. Letting go does not mean you no longer love her, it just means you let go, period. And I HAVE to let go or I am going to completely fall apart.

Another thing that differentiates the two (and is HUGE) is this: the quality of the person who loves the one who does not love back…G, for instance, is so out of my league she is in another universe. I am not only not worthy of her, I am worthless, when I mentally imagine myself beside her in friendship or even just in comparison. And THAT certainly is not healthy  :(

And wine and sadness have made me realize something else: I do NOT want to feel this way any more.




No comments: