Out of my league

It's well known that of the cruelest grades, ninth is third, seventh is second, and fourth is first.-Niles Crane, Frasier

Maybe you have heard this dated stereotype about lesbians: that they are that way because they couldn’t get a man. 

When I used to hear that it made me so angry, because I knew it wasn’t the truth, but I also felt a tiny pain in my soul, because I also wondered if it was the truth, or at least partly.

I began realizing I was not part of the norm during third grade, but it was fourth grade when things really kicked in and took a turn for the worse. 

It's hard to write about it without sounding self-pitying (something I don't want to do) but it is also hard because it's very painful to remember...so I don't: most days I hardly ever think about my past.

Things still get under skin, though, and stay there and being picked on (or ignored) every school day from third to ninth grade affects a person, no matter how much they push it down.

I was often called ugly by boys (sometimes girls too) but more of the comments were mean nicknames based on my hair, which was unruly, kinky curly and non-discrete red all at the same time. 

My mom made all of my and my sister's clothes, and though that was a source of teasing as well, that didn't bother as much. That kind of teasing wasn't the direct attack that comments about my ugliness and hair were.

By the time I was in sixth grade I knew boys would never be interested in me in the right kind of way. I might have been some of lab experiment for them, but I certainly was never going to turn their heads and have them ask me out.

I find it weird that I had crushes on teen idols Shaun Cassidy and Michael Damian in the late 70s and early 80s and then never again did I have crushes on male stars.

My feelings through the years for women have definitely been real and solid, so I'm not denying them. But, recently, I've started feeling like I might like men that way, (in addition) after all.

If it turns out I'm bisexual as well being a 50+ plus virgin, I'm more confused than ever. And I wonder if I pushed down wanting normal things (like a husband and children) not because I didn't want them but because I knew I could never have them.

If anyone out there is reading this I just want to say that I am not denying my queer side, but genuinely wondering what is going on with me and if anyone else like me is out there?