Late at night, when I get on social media and see my Facebook friends’ posts I realize just how much I have screwed up my life and how much they have not theirs.
And I’m happy for them because I know them from high school or college and know that the ones that are happy are also the ones that were nice people, decent people so they deserve every single good thing that’s happened to them.
I never had someone like me in high school or college and even if I had tried to pretend and gone ahead and played the straight life, there was no one who wanted to play the straight life with me
I have really really really messed up and it’s just really hitting me right now, more than it ever has before. I first wrote this after having two glasses of wine, but it's now the next day and I'm not drinking and I still feel the same exact way.
It doesn’t matter that I was bullied in middle school and part of high school. Maybe I even deserved it.
I should’ve risen above it.
If I were a really good, decent person, I would’ve met someone who would want to marry me and I would have had marriage and children
No wonder my mom is so disappointed in me
It’s not so much I’m pining for the life I don’t have, but that I know I really messed up when it comes to what society expects of people, even now in 2024.
In that regard, I have failed miserably and I beat myself up over it more than my mom ever could.
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