The crazier and more upsetting life gets, the more I struggle to find joy. But if there is one source of happiness in my world besides my cat Henry, there is Bob's Burgers, a show that makes me feel like there is still good in the world.

Even more than Golden Girls or I Love Lucy, Bob's Burgers pulls me in like no other comedy. I absolutely want to live in BB's world, I want to know all of the characters and walk down the streets of their town and visit their shops and their board walk. I want to go to karaoke with Linda and talk about life with Tina and get into hijinks with Louise and Gene.

Never I have known a show to be both wholesome and provocative, to be sweet and subversive. Unlike Family Guy (something I admit to watching, but find rather obnoxious and mean, even if I do sometimes laugh), Bob's Burgers is about kindness, even if it's in the middle of chaos.

BB has gotten me through the blues, sick days, madness at what is going on today and so much more. I cannot begin to do it justice.

(Spoliers here) Final Destination: Bloodlines

 

It's been fourteen years since the last Final Destination movie and I have to say I was way more excited than I should have been to see Bloodlines last night

Though I found it a bit uneven at times, I still liked it a lot and felt even a bit haunted by the first twenty minutes.Experiencing it in the theater, with Dolby Sound and a big screen, created the immersive illusion I was there and heightened my fear of heights, the sense of dread so strong I became very unnerved:

"There's no escape, neither for them nor for us; they're trapped in their fatal destiny, and we're trapped in the room, immersed in a strange combination of amusement, horror, and morbidity."

https://www.rottentomatoes.com/m/final_destination_bloodlines/reviews

At first I became disappointed when the film left the 1960s and turned to the present. I think it would have been neat to see an entire FD movie take place as a period piece, but as it progressed I changed my mind.

I saw that someone online re-titled it the way they saw it (Final Destination: Generational Trauma) and I absolutely agree!)

This was my first time to see a FD film in the theater and the kills hit a lot harder. Usually not too squeamish, I covered my eyes for several of them and silently re-evaluated my decision to see it on the big screen.

That I am still thinking about the set-up for the movie is an understatement and I feel ridiculous for saying that, but it's true. I believe it's because of the intensity and how obvious it is no one is going to out of the scenario alive. 

Ever since Covid lockdown I have been pretty much just going to work and medical appointments. With just three movie theater visits in the past five years and hardly any driving outside of my town I can totally relate to the fears instilled in many of the Final Destination characters who see danger in the most everyday of things.

Lately, I've been struggling with memories and what is real and what is not. When I doubt if something happened to me personally, the only reality check I have is my sister because we're close in age and we often will ask each other (when it comes to our childhood and some parts of school) "did this really happen?"

But my sister and I have always pretty much lead completely different lives as we have gotten older so we share less things and memories and so I often don't have that reality check.

Because of a recurring and hurtful dream I had again the other night some things have been "reactivated" in my mind and memory and I have no one to ask about it.

Obviously Google can't be used to access our personal memories from the past, but it can be to access what was going on in the world at the time I'm wondering about. 

So I checked the weather on one occasion for May of 1988 and then accessed the songs that would have been on the radio and both matched my memories of that time period*

Unfortunately, the more I let my memory open up and allowed myself to think about that period in my life the floodgates, as they say, opened and I experienced a level of embarrassment pretty much unparalleled in any other time in my life.

I find that the more you realize just how wrong you were about something, how wrong you were about wronging someone, the harder it is to forgive yourself, even if you very young at the time.

*In May 1988, some of the top songs on the Billboard Hot 100 included "Anything For You" by Gloria Estefan & Miami Sound Machine, "One More Try" by George Michael, "Shattered Dreams" by Johnny Hates Jazz, and "Always On My Mind" by the Pet Shop Boys. Other notable hits included "Need You Tonight" by INXS, "Heaven is a Place On Earth" by Belinda Carlisle, and "Never Gonna Give You Up" by Rick Astley. 

Here's a more detailed look at some of the top songs and their charting performance in May 1988:

• One More Try - George Michael: This song reached number one on the Billboard Hot 100 during the week ending May 31, 1988. 
• Anything For You - Gloria Estefan & Miami Sound Machine: This song was also high on the charts, likely in the top ten during May 1988. 
• Shattered Dreams - Johnny Hates Jazz: Another popular track that was likely in the top ten. 
• Always On My Mind - Pet Shop Boys: This song was also in the top ten during May. 
• Need You Tonight - INXS: This song was a major hit, and likely climbed the charts in May. 
• Heaven is a Place On Earth - Belinda Carlisle: Another popular song that was likely in the top ten. 
• Never Gonna Give You Up - Rick Astley: This song became a major hit later in the year, but it's possible it was already gaining traction in May. 

 

This episode really, really got to me.❤️‍🩹🥹 I want to write more about it soon, specifically about one of the lead characters and the depth of the despair that can come with not being able to lead the life that is authentic to you.

 

After much inner debate and wrangling, I recently "destroyed" my journals from 2012-2022. I call them my "what was I thinking?" years, but really they do make me cringe a lot and I am ashamed of how emotional I was during that time.

Apparently, according to my mom, I am not very emotional these days, but I don't buy that. I just keep things better hidden now.

I also found my dream journals (covering 2006 to 2016) but I decided to keep those. They are not only more interesting than my real life ones, they are much better written and less cringey and less full of "woe is me" crap.

Crazy as this may sound I think my dreams (as bad as they can be) have helped me work out some things in my day-to-day life and though not all of them are "exorcised" (so many ghosts still linger) I am a lot better off inside my heart than I used to be (minus my general anxiety).

I don't think I'm going to regret throwing out my real life journals. I reread a lot of them and they are just so, so, so awful. I am not saying I'm a good person (I honestly don't know nowadays) but I know that I'm a better person than I used to be.

At least I think so.

Now, if I can just throw out my equally cringey 500 page plus novel. I am not sure why I am so attached it. "Awful" doesn't even begin to do it justice.