AI actually helped me write this story below. I talked with by microphone and fed it a lot of the information about what I wanted my story to say and how, and it captured some things that were eerily true, even though I didn’t talk about the certain type of TV I had back then or the sofa.
Even before AI came along, I felt like I so lost the soul to my fiction writing. I’m slightly better with fan fiction, but not by very much and the weird thing is I need and want to write _more_ than ever and I am worse than ever.
The Static Between Then and Now
The silence in Eleanor’s apartment was a physical presence. It was 2025, and the world outside was a barrage of outrage and anxiety. At fifty-five, she felt like a ghost in her own life, the future a dim corridor leading only to more of the same.
She flicked through the streaming services, a thousand choices that felt like none. Scrolling past a tile for a reboot of some forgotten show, she felt a pang. She switched to the old-fashioned cable guide and there it was, buried in the higher channels: Ally McBeal, on a "Retro Rewind" network.
A smile, the first genuine one in weeks, touched her lips. She clicked on the channel.
It was the episode where Ally jumps around with the Dancing Baby. The CGI was primitive and the scene a bit too much, but the feeling… the feeling was a key turning in a long-locked door. The sound of Vonda Shepard’s voice singing "Searchin' My Soul," the sight of that unisex bathroom where all life’s dramas unfolded… it was a siren song from a sunnier shore.
As Ally spun in her short skirt, a wave of dizziness washed over Eleanor. The light from the screen seemed to bleed, pixelating the room. The gray walls of her apartment shimmered, the IKEA furniture dissolving into… a poster of a Smashing Pumpkins album. The hum of her smart fridge morphed into the distinct brrr-brrr-ksshhh of a 56k modem connecting.
She was on a floral-print sofa she hadn’t seen in twenty-five years. The air smelled of vanilla candles and the cloying sweetness of Exclamation! perfume. And on the television screen, a bulky, deep-bodied CRT, Ally McBeal was on, not in a rerun, but in its original run. A commercial for the new iMac in Bondi Blue was playing.
Her heart hammered against her ribs, a frantic bird in a cage that was suddenly young again. She looked at her hands. The skin was smoother, the sunspots gone. She ran to the small bathroom, her legs moving with an ease she’d forgotten. Staring back from the mirror was a twenty-eight-year-old woman, her hair a shade darker, her eyes wide not with weariness, but with shock.
It was 1999.
The first week was a delirious dream. She went back to her old job at the independent bookstore, a place that smelled of paperbacks and possibility. Her friend, Chloe, was there in all her glorious, chaotic vibrancy. They spent their lunch hours at a coffee shop, dissecting last night’s Felicity, talking about the looming Y2K bug with a thrilling mix of fear and mockery, and planning their futures as if they were blank books waiting to be written.
“You’ve been weirdly zen about everything lately,” Chloe said, stirring her latte. “It’s like you already know we’re not all going to be driving flying cars.”
Eleanor just smiled, a bittersweet twist of her lips. She did know. She knew about the dot-com bust that would crater Chloe’s startup dreams. She knew about the September morning that would change the country’s soul. She knew about the slow, quiet dissolution of her own friendship with Chloe, a casualty of different life paths and the sheer, grinding weight of time.
That was the poison in the nectar. This world was vibrant, alive, crackling with the energy of a decade about to tip over into a new millennium. The music on the radio was new, the internet was a wild frontier, and every day felt like it had a soundtrack. But Eleanor was living with a ghost’s knowledge.
She saw her younger self making small, seemingly insignificant choices, prioritizing work over a trip, letting a minor disagreement with Chloe fester, dating a man she knew was charming but wrong for her. Each one was a pebble that, in her memory, had started an avalanche of quiet regret.
One evening, she and Chloe were in her apartment, the one she’d just gotten back to. They were watching Ally McBeal again, live. Ally was fretting about turning thirty, a milestone that now seemed impossibly young to Eleanor.
“It’s all ahead of us, El,” Chloe said, gesturing at the screen. “It’s all just…happening.”
Eleanor looked at her friend’s bright, untroubled face. She felt a desperate, clawing urge to warn her. Don’t take that job in 2001. Call your mom more. Don’t let us drift apart.
But the words stuck in her throat. If she changed it, if she “fixed” the mistakes, would this vibrant, painful, beautiful present even exist? Would the woman she became, the one who, for all her loneliness, had survived and endured, simply vanish?
The fear became a constant companion, colder and more real than the fear of the unknown she’d felt back in 1999 the first time. Back then, the future was a blank map. Now, it was a prison cell whose walls she was terrified to rebuild.
One night, after a perfect day that felt like a scene from a movie she’d already seen, she sat alone on the floral sofa. The TV was off. The only light came from a lava lamp, its blobs of orange wax oozing and merging. She missed her quiet, dreary 2025 apartment with a sudden, fierce intensity. She missed the woman she had become, the one who had borne the scars of these very years. This second chance wasn't a gift; it was a torture of infinite choice.
She understood now. You can’t go back to the good times without also going back to the person you were—the one who was too naive, too scared, too hopeful to see the cliff’s edge on the horizon. And that person, for all her flaws, deserved to make her own mistakes.
As if her realization were a signal, the room began to waver. The hum of the modem stretched into a high-pitched whine. The colors of the lava lamp bled together. She closed her eyes, not in fear, but in acceptance.
She opened them to the gray light of a 2025 dawn. She was back in her silent apartment, the TV showing the cable guide menu. The episode of Ally McBeal had ended.
The yearning was still there, a dull ache in her chest. But it was different now. It was no longer a desperate desire to escape, but a quiet acknowledgment. She got up, walked to the window, and looked out at the waking world. It was still dreary, still complex. But it was her world, built brick by brick from the very years she had just revisited.
She picked up her phone, her movements slow but deliberate. She scrolled through her contacts, her thumb hovering over a name she hadn’t dialed in years: Chloe.
She didn’t know what she would say. Maybe just, “I was thinking about the Dancing Baby.” It would be a start. A small, fragile bridge built not from a desperate desire to return to the past, but from the hard-won wisdom of having lived through it. The happiest part of her life wasn’t behind her. It was the foundation upon which she, at fifty-five, could finally choose to build something new.
No comments:
Post a Comment