On the mornings I know I'm going to see X, I steel myself ahead of time. "I can do this," I think. "It's easy. You just look at her and smile. Be normal. Be nice." 

I also give myself a mental litmus test. If I feel a little less blue every time I see her, then the feelings are going away more and more. It'll be okay and I won't unintentionally try her nerves so much.

But each time the feelings are still there and each time I can barely say "hi," yet alone act normal. I act differently around her even though I don't want to. I want to be able to be friendly, if not friends. I want to feel around her the way I do everyone else.

And yet I'm still a babbling idiot or quietly rude. I haven't felt like this since high school and it strikes me as so ridiculous I'm full of shame. Who feels this way around someone else at this age? :(

Staying committed to a tight budget, having a bad cold, being in love or feeling extreme guilt all can keep your appetite from attacking you.  Determined to not give in to hunger or just totally having lost interest in food, you find eating less can almost be good, empowering. As Mr. Money Mustache writes:

...it's an unusual feeling for a rich-world person, but once you get used to it, having a slight craving in your tummy can make you feel invigorated and warriorlike. When you are really hungry, eat a good meal. But if you're just slightly hungry, imagine that your body has moved its suction tube from the usual "stomach" setting, over to "stored fat reserves". It is now a positive challenge to maintain this mild hunger as long as possible, because you want to keep that suction going for many hours each day.

On a similar note, as I get older and find it's not so much about losing weight as it is about not gaining any more I find this article from New York fascinating. I'm not sure I'd recommend it for everyone (certainly not for anyone with food issues or an eating disorder):

read here

One good thing about insomnia (if you had to find one)? The ability to read when you might not otherwise have the time. So far I am finding this compact read (it's only 163 pages) absolutely mesmerizing and completely in keeping with its title...more later:)

The author's frequent use of dangling modifiers in the beginning distracted me, but once that got under control and the compelling plot, lovely characters and excellent dialogue took over, I found myself falling into this beautifully sad story.

Very sweet, though often emotionally exhausting (I had to put it down at various times and watch Golden Girls), Give Me A Reason is well worth the read. The very last part of the epilogue seems like a small slap in the face and quite unnecessary, but the heart of the love story (plus great character development) keeps everything together.

Lyn Gardner creates a very convincing atmosphere (through the torment and phobias Toni suffers from and the amazing mutual love she finds with Laura) and situations that make you experience everything from tears to laughter to intense sympathy.

But just when you think you can relax and enjoy all the hard-won happiness and love, you're left hanging...luckily the hope that is infused throughout gives you reason to believe it will all work out okay.

I have to admit I struggle with being nice to mean people. It's so easy to be nice to nice folks, not so much with those who aren't. 

For me, it's not a deep need for revenge ("You want mean, I'll give you mean!") as it is this irrational conviction that the other party thinks I'm an idiot for even trying to talk to them. "Would you please just shut up?" some people seem to be saying with their eyes. "And just answer my simple question. Don't give me the novel when I want Cliff Notes."

When I get flustered, though, I immediate start babbling like a brook and things just get worse. 

If anything, I don't find myself hating those who can be "mean" (maybe they're having a really bad day and that's just their reaction to stress) but being intrigued. What could be going on in their lives that makes seem act like a Dickens's character? Surely, deep down inside them someone nice is hiding.

There's a huge difference between grumpy meanness and something much darker and intentional. As Blanche Dubois says in A Streetcar Named Desire, "Deliberate cruelty is not forgivable. It is the one unforgivable thing in my opinion."


How To Be Nice To Mean People