Sometimes, I like to clip op-ed pieces from various newspapers that remind me there are people of religious background who don't want to keep gay people from being able to marry the person he or she loves. It really helps me on trying nights, even though I know in my heart (gay or not) true love is not cut out for me and I can live a relatively happy life without it. The above was published in a recent edition of the Baltimore Sun.

I believe, aside from the back-and-forth morality issues I struggle with related to being a lesbian, that I would be single no matter what my orientation. I also believe that a painful past experience can also be a helpful teaching one in the present and that if I hadn't learned it's best to keep your feelings to yourself no matter who the person you like is, I wouldn't know that I should, could and would never let the person I like now ever have a clue, inappropriate nature or not.

Nothing sticks in your mind forever like the look of horror on someone's face when they realize you like them..it's painful for you, of course, but the discomfort it inflicts on the other person and the friendship you lose is much much worse.

Today, I had a major setback (internally) with how I deal with my feelings. It feels like a personal failure and something that externally came across as rude and immature.

I realized I have to find a careful balance between better hiding my feelings for and from someone I like and not becoming cold or distant. In other words: "be normal" as many advice columns would say.

Little did I figure that when I Googled "how to hide your feelings for someone" so much would turn up in the search. There's the always trusty Wiki How (even if it's geared towards younger people) with this and then eHow with How To Hide That You Like Someone. There's even stuff about it on Yahoo Answers.

I think what horrifies me the most about what I found is that all the links are meant for teenagers in high school, which only adds to my guilt that I'm a grown woman feeling this way.

When I was in high school I was horribly addicted to gothic fiction, especially romances. I read mostly Phyllis A. Whitney and Victoria Holt, never ever dreaming someday there would be gothic romances for lesbians.

It's not that the gothic fiction I read now has to have lesbians in it. If it's a good story, it's a good story. Period. But I'm pleasantly surprised and kind of glad that the lesfic with gothic undertones I've discovered are actually quite good.

Ghosts of Winter by Rebecca S. Buck, in particular, would have thrilled me as a teen (if it had been in existence) as much as it does now.

There is, of course, a gothic setting as well as lots of historical background, but it's the writing, the feelings I love so much, whether it's main character Ros Wayne's observations on the architect hired to help restore Winter Manor:

However much more Anna thawed, whether she became a friend or stayed as just the architect, I wouldn’t let myself think about her in any other way. She was married and I was an emotional mess.

or her musing on how we all handle life:

The notion came to me that maybe everyone felt the same things as me, and we were all just struggling to cope and putting on a brave face. The idea made me feel a little less alone and, to my surprise, more optimistic.

As Ros begins to really notice Anna as more than the person who is going to completely restore Winter Manor to its former glory, she does so with borderline reluctance:
        
She was so infuriatingly intriguing. As she put on and refastened her coat, I watched her, trying to make sense of just what was so damned attractive about her. But there was no way of clarifying it. Yes, she was striking to look at, and there was something undeniably appealing about her sheer competence. But the traces of what lay below the surface drew me to her most. That glimmer of enthusiasm and curiosity, the edge in her tone, possibly sarcasm or mirth, her unexpected physicality. She was confident in her abilities and knowledge, but not arrogant. In so many ways she was a puzzle, a mass of contradictions. Her reflective expression softened her face so much I could almost have been looking at a different woman. It was remarkable how expressive her face could be, and yet how impassive at other times. Anna confused me…

Caught up in finding Anna so appealing, Ros reigns her thoughts in quickly. She can't and won't take any chances on liking someone only get to hurt as she has in the past, plus she is still grieving over her mother's recent death. Besides, she tells herself: I should really keep my distance and save myself the suffering of my unrequited attraction.  Even after she discovers Anna is not married or straight, may in fact be interested back, Ros still has reservations about any relationship beyond their professional one:

A combination of elation and terror almost made me close the door again and pretend I’d not seen her.

I think a strong romance should emphasize the emotions and romantic attraction two people have for each other rather than the sexual components...another reason I prefer gothic romance, where atmosphere and non-physical interactions are more important so there's no need to worry or get embarrassed about graphic sex scenes.

 

I absolutely love this sweet read about a police officer (Sam McKenna) and a trauma surgeon (Riley Connolly) who meet under very trying circumstances and slowly forge a friendship that turns into something more.

Unlike Nolan's previous book L.A. Metro, which is good but did not speak to me as much as this book does, In A Heartbeat moved me very much. It is adorable, sincere and extremely vulnerable in emotion.

Of particular note is the way R.J. Nolan deals with such heatbreaking issues as coming out to family members and how horribly strong self doubt can be and what it can do to relationships. 

My stash of science fiction is keeping me company tonight. I especially love classic sci fi and just read an amazing short story by Robert Silverberg called "Needle In A Timestack."

It's part love story, part self-discovery and has one of the best endings ever, particularly if you need something to pick you up and reaffirm your belief that your heart keeps loving that same someone no matter how much Time (or as in Silverberg's story: someone else abusing time) may try to erase your memory.



I like "Needle In A Haystack" for its time travel aspects:

 

Only fourteen years back, and yet the world looked prehistoric to him, the clothing and the haircuts and the cars all wrong, the buildings heavy and clumsy, the advertisements floating overhead offering archaic and absurd products in blaring gaudy colors. Odd that the world of 2012 had not looked so crude to him the first time he had lived through it; but then the present never looks crude, he thought, except through the eyes of the future.

 

but also for the parts that remind me good science fiction is still telling a story about humans and what they believe or think they believe. At this point our main character has forgotten he once had a wife he loved deeply and is living what he thinks is a contented life:

 

...he was the only singleton left in the whole crowd. That was a little awkward. But he hadn’t ever met anyone he genuinely wanted to spend the rest of his life with, or even as much as a year with.

 

 His other incarnations leave him notes to remind him of Janine, his wife, but the messages always fade as soon as merges into a new timeline. By the time he meets her again, yet really for the first time, he doesn't know who she is. Still, both he and Janine (whose timelines have also been messed with by another man who wants to be with Janine at any cost) experience something special:

 

She stared up at him. “This sounds absurd,” she said, “but don’t I know you from somewhere?” Mikkelsen felt a warm flood of mysterious energy surging through him as their eyes met.

 

I am an absolute sucker for a good love story, especially when both people knowingly (or unknowingly) face impossible odds in finally getting together. I hope the rest of the stories in Time Traveler's Almanac continue to be as fascinating and quirky as they have so far...

 

 So...the stories continue to be outstanding. Here's one you can read for yourself!: http://www.lightspeedmagazine.com/fiction/hwangs-billion-brilliant-daughters/

 



 

(On a side note: Internet Science Fiction Database is a great resource for anyone who likes the genre and even better for those passionate about it.)


"When we’re talking about whether or not a story’s 'time travel logic' makes sense, it is important to remember that every story builds its own framework for its own logic."--from the intro to The Time Traveler's Almanac

I was excited to hear Amazon Prime is adding streaming music and playlists to its $99 package, but then I read this and wondered if it's really worth it: First Look Amazon Prime Music