Oh, this book!....

 

This likable book kicks off with the wild premise that a teenage girls' letters to the boys she's liked in the past are accidentally mailed one day.

 

It's a unique and intriguing plot point that could make you cringe if you have ever actually sat down and written a letter to a crush you never intended to send (a surprisingly therapeutic tactic that I find keeps you from blurting your feelings out in real life.)

 

I was drawn in immediately.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Also worth reading is Do Not Sell At Any Price by Amanda Petrusich:

 

 

 

 





It's chock full of information and just a fascinating read for anyone who loves vinyl, plus I'm finding out about neat publications I had no clue existed:

http://www.vjm.biz/

I was in a pretty bad mood and then "Put A Little Love In Your Heart" by Jackie De Shannon came on my iTunes shuffle when I was driving home to get something I left on my way to work. How nice a world it would be if we all could follow the words to this song a bit more. I was down because I overheard a homophobic comment this morning and it bummed me that the same person who says it never gets spoken to about using the word(s) she does fairly regularly.  Hearing the song unexpectedly , I remembered that I promised myself I wouldn't get upset over this any more, that it's up to me to react as calmly and peacefully as I can when stuff like that happens.  Homophobic people are never going to change so I might as well just accept it. I just wish that the people who are anti-gay realize it's far easier for them to change what they say than it is to for gays and lesbians to change who we are. I also wonder if people in the workplace would still say these things if they knew some of their co-workers are gay. I vow, though, to try harder loving everybody, not just the ones who are easy to love...love, not hate, is the best way to get through this life.   Think of your fellow man lend him a helping hand put a little love in your heart. You see it's getting late oh please don't hesitate put a little love in your heart. And the world will be a better place and the world will be a better place for you and me you just wait and see Another day goes by and still the children cry put a little love in your heart. If you want the world to know we won't let hatred grow put a little love in your heart. And the world will be a better place and the world will be a better place for you and me you just wait and see Take a good look around and if you're lookin' down put a little love in your heart I hope when you decide kindness will be your guide put a little love in your heart. And the world will be a better place and the world will be a better place for you and me you just wait and see put a little love in your heart each and every day put a little love in your heart there's no other way put a lttle love in your heart, it's up to you put a little love in your heart...

Have you ever woken and for half a second forgotten where you were? As in a time warp "where you were," like for a blink of an eye you think you're living back home, even though it's been at least a decade or two? Or you've woken up and thought, maybe because of the dream you just had, that you're back in your college dorm?

This morning, after a bad nightmare, I started awake and for a full second almost thought I could get dressed and go to the little chapel that used to be on the campus where I went to school years ago. How nice that would be if it were true.

The worse my insomnia gets the more I wish there were an all-night chapel near me. I'm not a big fan of churches full of people, but I love empty ones. I don't know if that sounds creepy; I like people, I really do. But there's something about an empty church I love. I get nervous around crowds and a full church can feel judgmental (sometimes, somehow).

Architecturally, so many churches and cathedrals are wondrously beautiful. But the small chapels I've been in college and hospitals over the years really give me peace.

When my niece was little she was hospitalized with a blood infection for a week. Every night I would go to the chapel and pray and find some peace even though we were all worried sick about her and often couldn't sit still very long.

After she recovered and things returned to normal again, I found my faith returning more strongly and would go to full churches. But it was odd how I never felt the peace I did in those small chapels and how much, right this second, I wish there one here in my building.

This year has been so much harder than I ever could have imagined. I know God isn't just in a chapel and I don't want Him to make things better for me. My family, yes. My friends and the people I care about but have no real right to...all of them I would ask Him to look for out and bless.

For me, though, I want to figure out how to reconcile who I am with...well, I don't know, really since I don't know how God personally feels about the feelings and thoughts I have...the things I have unintentionally done wrong and the things I have longed for that I shouldn't and can't ever have.

Happiness is wonderful and all those other great things, it's something so many of us aspire to and want, but it also seems so fleeting. Inner peace is much more realistic, but so hard to find on nights like these.

The common sense that slowly seems to be returning to me...I know I've been trying much harder to work on my emotions and other parts of my life...but I'd kind of like to think some higher force is helping as well...maybe it's the insomnia and isolation kicking in, but I don't think I want to live in a world where we're completely alone.

 

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 Though I am still thoroughly enjoying the collection of Katherine Mansfield stories, I am also reading Taxi To Paris by Ruth Gogoll. 

I always like to make a short story collection last as long as possible so I often pick up a novel in between readings.

Ruth Gogoll's native language is German so when I read her novels (which I've almost read all of), I'm reading them in translation (by Susan Way.)

As with other books that grab me for personal reasons more than aesthetically pleasing ones, I am finding a lot to like about this very odd romance novel ('romance' being a bit too optimistic for something that is often jaded or bleak.)

There's this passage; the very last part isn't always true upon my first getting to work, but once the time away from the personal problems seems to seep away, it does kick in:

 

My work was a bigger part of my life than I often wanted to admit. I didn’t feel right when I was away from it for any length of time, like for vacation or sick leave. After that, I was usually really happy to get back behind my desk again.  And often, work alone had gotten my personal crisises.

This part, until recently, I could totally get, yet I think that sometimes seeing ourselves in others (our 'bad' selves, especially) helps awaken us a bit. I know I've been like this before and not wanted to (of course), yet it can take someone else (either real or fictional) to kick start you into behaving better.

Either I could convince her to behave toward me as I wanted her to, at least in part, or I was damned to think about her for a very long time, always swaying between joy and hope, disappointment and resignation. Although I couldn’t imagine how I might accomplish the first, I knew from  repeated practice that the second possibility was so exhausting and nerve-racking, I’d rather avoid her altogether.

One character, in particular, has a personal history uneasily familiar:

What had I expected? This wasn’t the first time I’d fallen for a woman who didn’t feel the same way about me. And it certainly wasn’t the first time I’d suffered for it. And had I grown one bit wiser from the experience? No!

I knew how I felt about her, but had yet to identify what exactly was behind that. So I had to think about it.

Taxi To Paris is odd because of how the two characters meet and all the non-romantic aspects to their first encounter...yet as the novel moves slowly (and it does move slowly, though 'good' slowly) it's not the more annoying "Harlequin Hatred" kind of contention (where two people act out their dislike because they secretly have feelings for each other) but honest confliction, given the way they met and how difficult it is for both women to trust. 

It's raw and uncomfortable at times, but a worthwhile read. The fact that both women remain nameless throughout the tale somehow gives Taxi an even more honest, unflinching feel.
 
Hopefully, this all makes sense. I'm writing this bone-tired, yet I still felt the need to write anyway. Ruth Gogoll's novels are all so different from each other (except for the four English books in the L As In Love series) that that alone makes me want to praise her. The open and sometimes even awkward emotions also pull me in, though sometimes as if against my will. Sadly (for me, at least) none of her newer work  (a fifth part in the L As In Love collection and the sequel to Forbidden Passion, a horrible title for a great book), has been translated into English. This makes me want to immediately learn German! :)

Obviously, common sense and emotion don't always go hand in hand, though I wish they did. It would make life easier and more eloquent. Because I am so lacking in that particular combination lately, I prayed for guidance today when I knew I'd have to be around X for more than a minute.

I think I say pray because there's an extra sense of urgency in this particular case that she never know how I feel, as if her being of sincere and conservative faith makes it somehow worse that I have feelings for her. I have always felt, deep down and perhaps inexplicably, that liking someone who doesn't feel the same is a bad, bad thing and that I should have known better, been more responsible for my emotions right from the start.

Unfortunately, there's not always an exact moment you can pinpoint from meeting someone for the first time to realizing one day you like them. It's not like your heart tells you, "Hey, buddy, I wanted to give you a little warning that things are about to change a bit." Liking someone, for me at least, has never really felt like a choice. It's always been like something that happened to me, only I didn't realize it until after it happened.

Today, I wasn't worried that I might suddenly burst out with a passionate "I like you SO much" or anything embarrassingly blatant like that. It's more like the things I have trouble controlling when I'm around someone I like: shaking hands, babbling like a fool or clamming up and not saying a word at all or bumping into things or dropping them.

I think God must have been with me today because I actually was able to talk as normally as I'm capable of around people. I even was able to reassure myself that I don't think she has a clue as to all of "this." If she did know, I just don't see how she could be so pleasant.

Anyway...I'm not quite ready to declare that I'm cured of or able to let go of my feelings yet (though I long to), but I am trying extra hard to be in control of my emotions and I'm also looking for books and articles that may help.

This is some of what I've found so far. It's not related to feelings for people so much as it is how we react to things, but I'll take whatever I can get:

http://www.uncommonhelp.me/articles/how-to-control-your-emotions/

Emotional intelligence (EI) is the ability to monitor one's own and other people's emotions, to discriminate between different emotions and label them appropriately, and to use emotional information to guide thinking and behavior...from Wikipedia.

http://www.amazon.com/Stop-Overreacting-Effective-Strategies-Emotions-ebook/dp/B003VPWXFG/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1404690865&sr=1-1&keywords=controlling+your+emotions