There are many things you lose that you can never get back, but it really hurts when you lose someone else's respect (assuming you once had it.)
It's always seemed for me that the more I want to be a good person, not just around someone special I admire tons, but in life, overall with everyone, the more mistakes I make. I think I'm a jerk more times than not, even though I believe I sincerely don't want to be...
I've been really thinking about it today and trying to find some good advice (other than having my mouth duct-taped) and these tips from a Psychcology Today article are very helpful:
1.
Keep quiet for just a minute! If you don't say
anything, no one will know what you're thinking. It's amazing what
ugliness can emerge from a human mouth unburdened by the slightest
cognitive effort. The rewards of battling your inner censor before
spewing ill-conceived notions, rumors, and armchair epithets will prove
immensely valuable in relationships with others.
2.
When in doubt, focus on yourself.
This may seem counterintuitive considering how closely related jerkness
is to pathological narcissism. Yet when it comes to obsessional focus
on others' flaws and imperfections, instead of looking outward like a
certain fault-finding judge on American Idol, you might decide to hold
up a mirror to yourself and mentally inventory where you miss the mark.
3.
Let passive-aggressiveness gently waft out a bathroom window.
Here jerkness is nearly silent-but-deadly with obnoxiously audible
sighs accompanying a refusal to budge on any issue. As you sit on the
sidelines in sadistic satisfaction of others' frustrations that take
root from your pointed action (or inaction), you might ask yourself:
"Why must I be such a dick?" And without hesitating, be sure to respond
with this specific therapeutic retort: "Because I feel impotent."
Recognition of this basic truth can become the first step in giving up
infantile obstinacy and acting like a secure adult.
4.
Grow a pair (of perspectives).
In other words, take a telescopic view of your situation. When errant
soccer balls fly through your yard, is the cost in blood pressure and
heart attack risk really worth the righteous anger? They're kids for
goodness sake! Maybe now might be high time to extract yourself from a
default position as "selfish grump" and expand your view of the
situation. Perhaps you might then recognize your good fortune that the
nuisance next door represents developmentally appropriate play rather
than blasts of gunfire from drive-by shootings. Kids need to play
outside. They are the future. Let them be.
5.
Be real.
No one likes a faker. Especially a bad faker. If your jerkness far
outweighs a natural inclination for acting sweetly, you won't fool
anybody with that sham smile. Admit you're a jerk already and move on
to point number six.
6.
Ask for help. Yes, this
point is pathetically clichéd, but that's what happens to useful
concepts over time! While essential that the jerk in question come to
greater levels of understanding of himself by himself, there's nothing
like a few frank words from a trusted friend to pierce self-deception
like a fork into the vinyl flesh of an inflatable doll. Ask your
level-headed buddy how he or she would _________ [handle it, take care
of it, respond to it, phrase it, ... ] and then try out the most
realistic suggestions on for size.
7.
Conjure your role models.
By this I mean to summon the image, mentally, of those whose words or
actions you may be unintentionally adopting as your own. Perhaps after a
quick examination you find you sound just like your "ditto head" cousin
who parrots any hateful pabulum he hears on the radio. Like so called
"day residue" appearing in dreams, you may find that personal
experiences-stretching from an unwashed childhood to yesterday's heinous
staff meeting--leave behind lees as from a cup of loose tea. Today,
instead of brewing bitterness, you might choose instead to pro-actively
wash your kettle-in other words, center yourself and refresh your mind
with the possibility of a new day and a fresh, open attitude.
8.
Figure out what makes you feel good.
It doesn't take a Joseph Campbell, a clinical psychologist, or a
screening of the film Shortbus to realize that you hold the key to your
own bliss. Frustration, disappointment and dissatisfaction are but
morsels of food specifically formulated to cultivate jerkness. Turn this
on its head by paying closer attention to what ideas, activities, and
successes-including minor ones--engender good feelings in yourself. When
you walk around with a glow, the jerk inside will wither and die like a
blood-starved vampire at midday.
9.
Have a little humility.
Even when you score in some way-at work, at school, at home, at the
club-others will appreciate your enthusiasm more when it is paired with
some measure of class. Even winners can be jerks and especially so when
they use a particular success to blanket over other shortcomings. What
you just accomplished may be great (e.g. winning a local spelling bee
for adults) but begins to lose its charm over others when you sling what
amounts to the hurtful letters of schadenfreude in all directions.
10.
Share something!
Finally, I would entreat you to give something to someone (something
other than genital warts or a splitting headache). You can quickly
reverse an acute bout of jerkdom by earnestly giving a treat, a
thoughtful word, or a moment of your time to someone you know would be
receptive to such a gift from you. Heartfelt action when practiced
regularly has a way of crowding out opportunities for jerk-behavior. And
should the time come that a stray comment comes out of your
mouth-something only a real jerk would utter-you may be more easily
forgiven for a momentary lapse of good sense because of how anomalous
such behavior has become.
Another thing I wish I did more is speak up when someone else is being maligned. In the past, fear that As much as I think I need to shut my mouth, there are definitely times when a person should not remain silent. This, from Inc. magazine, is good whether it's related to gossip or other serious issues:
Silence is deemed approval. You may think that staying silent keeps you from being involved in any conflict, but quite the opposite. Silence is as much an
active form of communication
as talking. Anytime you are involved in a situation, people are aware
of all the input and lack of it. If you disapprove and don't say
anything it will not make you seem easy going. If the problem persists
and you did nothing people may consider it as enabling and think the
issue is as much your fault as the person who actually caused the
problem. You may destroy trust and create resentment. People rarely
thank you for withholding information down the line.
