Sometimes people, no matter how decent and goodhearted, are just not going to like you. I remind myself of this all the time and know it's true, particularly for someone like me who is not very gifted socially nor good at having a poker face (I think it's more like the Joker's) around people I like.
It's usually not so bad for me if they aren't a regular part of my life or I'm not overly fond of them myself (though I generally like most everyone in one way or another.) It does hurt, though, when you like them and have to be around them and you can't figure out exactly what it is you did to have them look at you that way...with that laser beam look of death that seems to come straight from their soul.
On other people the look might not have the same effect. But when a person with a normally inscrutable expression has even the most subtle shift you notice.
I thought things had improved with this someone I know. But lately she has given me a facial version of the cold shoulder whenever I smile, which I thought was an improvement from my scurrying away like a startled mouse whenever I see her. (I am not the most mature person when it comes to facing my fears.)
To smile or not to smile may not seem like a big deal, unless you're worried it might provide an unwanted clue the other person will pick up on.
Still, I figure if she’s
going to be the same way whether I am nice to her or not, I’m going to still be
nice. I’d rather be myself than fake something I don’t feel...or rather fake that I don't feel something I do feel, if that makes sense...(Though I would give anything to pull an effective poker face. It's hard having the kind of face that gives everything away and turns red easily.)
As far as dealing with people not liking you in general, I found this great article online. This year I am determined to turn things around and react better to situations I can't change:
"What To Do When People Don't Like You"
Do you feel like no matter how hard you try, other people still don’t
like you? Have you been trying hard to make friends with no good
results to show for all of your efforts?
If it seems that you have been trying hard to make friends, but that
other people still don’t want to be your friend, you may have come to
the conclusion that there’s something wrong with you. That maybe you
are basically unlikeable.
Many of us go through such torment of self doubt, especially during
our teenage years, when teens are often the victims of vicious bullying
from their peers for no reason at all.
If you feel as if the people you are trying to befriend don’t like
you, the first thing you must do is to ask yourself: Do you have any
real evidence that others don’t like you?
Or are you just imagining the worst because you are always very harsh with yourself?
People who have low self-esteem, or who are suffering from depression,
are often convinced that others don’t like them, even when there is no
evidence for their negative belief. People who have a poor self image
can be surrounded by others who like them, care about them, and enjoy
their company; yet because these people don’t believe they are worthy of
being liked, they are convinced that no one else likes them either.
So, if you are feeling as if nobody likes you, try to find out if
there is some real evidence that others don’t like you, or whether you
are just being very negative in your opinion of yourself.
On the other hand, there are times when it’s not just your imagination
that others don’t like you. It might be really true that most of the
people you meet are consistently rejecting you, even when you make
social overtures and try to be as friendly to them as possible.
There are many reasons this can happen.
You may have moved to a society where the people are very tight knit
with each other, and they don’t open up to newcomers easily.
You might be surrounded by people who automatically dislike people of your particular religion, ethnic background, sexual orientation, skin color, or bodily appearance.
You may be surrounded by people who reject you because the clothes you wear are not the latest and most expensive fashion.
In high school years in particular, many teens are strongly
conformist, and can be very cruel to those who seem to be different from
the norm. Sadly, some people never grow out of the stage of judging
others for trivial and superficial reasons.
If you are really are being rejected by others, it is important that you don’t make the situation worse by attacking yourself.
This will only make you feel worse, and will make you lose confidence in approaching new people in the future.
Saying negative things to yourself could start you on a downward
spiral of self-doubt and self-hatred. Or you might turn your anger
outwards in a spirit of bitterness and revenge towards other people.
This is not a solution that will win you friends or peace of mind.
It’s also important to take a good, hard look at yourself and the way
that you interact with other people. There may be specific behaviors
that are causing others to dislike you, and these are behaviors which
you can change.
Ask yourself the questions on this checklist. If it looks as if any
of these behaviors are a problem for you, it’s very likely that if you
change this behavior, that other people will like you better.
Are you always very negative and complaining all the time? Most people find this habit very annoying.
Do you actively participate in conversations with others? Or do you
hold back and let other people do all the work in making conversation.
If so, learn to improve your conversational skills so that talking with
you is an experience that others look forward to.
Do you endlessly talk about yourself and show little interest in the
people you are talking with? Other people will become bored with you
very quickly if you seem only interested in yourself.
Do you try too hard to please others, always agreeing with everything
that they say, and
never having any opinions of your own? People won’t
respect you if you don’t respect yourself.
Do you often say things that hurt the feelings of others and then say
it was just a joke? Do you say mean things behind other people’s
backs? No one will trust you if they think that you are basically an
unkind person.
If you want to make other people your friends, it’s very important
that you don’t give up on trying. Keep approaching people, keep trying
to make conversation. Get rid of your bad social habits if they are
getting in the way of friendship.
If you are being given the cold shoulder by many of the people you
encounter, particularly in your school or workplace, keep looking
elsewhere for people you can confide in and befriend. You can try in
your church, in your community, and in your own family.
Work on developing the talents and good qualities within yourself so
that you can appeal in a new way to other people with whom you will have
more in common. Continue to actively search out other people who will
like you and accept you.
Don’t give up trying. Keep working at learning how to make friendly conversation and you will eventually make friends with people who truly like you.-selfgrowth.com
Brooklyn singer/songwriter Sharon Van Etten's transfixing voice and often heart-wrenching songs come through in an odd mixture of pain and flourishing inspiration on the best moments of her fourth album, Are We There. The album, produced by Van Etten herself with some help from New York-based producer Stewart Lerman (Elvis Costello, Sophie B. Hawkins), follows her 2012 outing Tramp and trades up on some of the crushed indie templates of that album for new stylistic territory. From her first hushed demo-like recordings, Van Etten's songs have more often than not found their lyrical core stemming from painful relationships and hard times, culminating in Tramp's tales of homelessness, uncertainty, and desperation. Are We There's 11 selections also mine her harrowed heart for inspiration, be it the slow-burning portrait of a toxic love/hate romance in "Your Love Is Killing Me" or the obsessed fixation on an absent lover in "Break Me." While there's still a fair amount of heartbreak and pain in the subject matter of the songs, the folky strums and indie rock clatter of Tramp and earlier records have been expanded upon with more inventive musical approaches, leaving the album feeling much brighter, even in its darkest moments. "Taking Chances" is guided by an unexpectedly slinking bassline and minimal drum machine clicks, Van Etten's voice melting like honey over their laid-back foundations before introducing rawkus guitars on the chorus. Similar instrumentation shows up on "Our Love," a steady drum machine and lonely organ drone setting the stage for the brilliantly arranged multi-tracked harmonies and an indie take on the sophisticated tones of '80s quiet storm R&B. Even when tending toward more familiar rock sounds, the arrangements on Are We There are more considered, colorful, and ornate than ever before. Where previous albums felt a little too anchored to Van Etten's samey guitar changes, here tracks like "Tarifa" explode with sure-footed horn sections, nostalgic Hammond organ, and spirals of anthemic vocal harmonies. Quieter songs like "I Know" and "I Love You But I'm Lost" are driven by piano, leaving lots of space for the vocals to soar, while the cinematic textures and haunted guitar twang of "You Know Me Well" could almost draw comparisons to Lana Del Rey in her more Twin Peaks moments. The more inventive arrangements and advances in songwriting are an undeniable step forward for Van Etten. While still immersed in songs of emotional ravagement and betrayal, the confidence of her performances and spectrum of sounds represented here suggest a complete graduation from troubled, uncertain roots into a place where she can deliver her songs with a powerful, borderless command.
