Up until my late 30s, despite evidence to the contrary, I used to believe I could still find mutual, true love, even though that belief came from silly, romance novel-induced hope more than anything else. I knew better, I did, but I wanted it so much I let myself believe the fantasy.

Nowadays, I think my chances of winning the lottery are much higher, but I still like to dream whenever I read something like this:

As always, Dara was struck by the unmistakable love her friends shared. It was so clear that they were meant to be together. Dara swallowed the lump in her throat and blinked back the involuntary tear that threatened to escape. Carolyn and Stan had something she likely would never know. She was so happy for them, but there were times like these when the sight of two people so in love left her longing for more in her life.--All That Lies Within, Lynn Ames

I made a silly wish in a fountain a few years ago and I knew (of course) it wouldn't happen, but (shortly after that) I did meet someone I grew to be fond of...I know the fountain's not to blame, but I did forget to stress reciprocal love when I made that wish.

Though the most ideal solution would to actually stop these feelings once and for all, they seem to still be there...despite praying, despite getting involved in some new activities, despite (luckily) still being able to get lost in books and music. While I have failed miserably in vanquishing the crush, I am finally (I think) finding myself able to function well around this person and not continually act like either a fool or a rude clam.

There are very few good things about having a crush (especially a crush that has lasted way longer than it should and feels like it's never going to end) on someone, except maybe the following.

-It can help (believe it or not) if you're in a situation where your parents have trouble with your being gay and will only accept you if you "deny" that part of yourself (i.e. I don't date in hopes of meeting someone special and plan on remaining single forever.) This may sound odd, but when you truly like someone no one else seems to hold your interest and, therefore, your longing to date dims.

-You never have to worry about being rejected because you're not in a relationship of any kind with them. When you're not feeling guilty, you even sometimes allow yourself just to enjoy their company and how neat they are as a person.

-If you've always known from a fairly young adult age that you're always going to be alone, it isn't the non-reciprocation that hurts (that's a given and something you can accept) but knowing that they would be absolutely aghast at your affection for them. This is where the guilt and lack of good poker face skills really take their toll and what make up most of the pain of liking them.

-When you get to the point that you truly are okay with one-way feelings, you also find joy in their happiness. Of course, this can be frustrating on the opposite end because you hate to see them sad and you have no real right to care about them and actually help.

That may sound silly (there's that word again...but, really aren't crushes and middle age a silly combination?) but when I know it's not my place to see if she's okay I just pray and hope that things work out for her.

Painful moments of occasional crush overload aside, I don't think there's anything wrong with being single your whole life as long as you accept it peacefully and find outlets (friends, family, animals and even strangers who seek your help) for your deep need to care about others.

Sometimes I reread a book because it's fabulous and sometimes I reread it because I love the characters and the lives they lead. This time it's because of both reasons that I'm back with this novel, even if the cover is not a fair representation of what goes on and the kind of love both main characters share is so very hard to find in the real world.
 

All That Lies Within by Lynn Ames is such a terrific novel! We're 
talking sigh-and cry-inducing, good old-fashioned romance. Plus, it has smarts and great chemistry.

Sure, it's sensual and romantic, but it's also incredibly endearing and adorable and I already want to read it again. Rebecca (whose sensitive personality sometimes doesn't jive with her more sharpened professional take on life) is an interesting enigma and a woman I can understand Dara Thomas helplessly falling in love with despite her reservations.

Both women are fascinating characters and it's interesting the way they come together. The letters they exchange once Rebecca seeks out Constance Darrow (Dara's very secret Pulitzer Prize-winning alter ego) are very insightful and a great set-up for all that follows.

Dara's initial standoffishness then incredible foray into desperately needing and inexplicably wanting to protect Rebecca is one of the sexiest things about All That Lies Within. _This_ is what good romance should aspire to, this is what makes a book so good you keep it on your Kindle so you can read it again as soon as you have the time.

The only downside to this book is the little longing it leaves behind in your heart, making you wish love like this could happen in real life!:)

 I wish I could wear sunglasses all the time. Then I would never have to worry about having a poor poker face and I could conquer my sensitivity to bright lights:

http://www.thenational.ae/thenationalconversation/comment/sunglasses-can-hide-our-emotions-and-our-insecurities

I fear that by not having a good poker face the person I like might figure it out and it would make her uncomfortable. I would never ever want that to happen. 

Sometimes people, no matter how decent and goodhearted, are just not going to like you. I remind myself of this all the time and know it's true, particularly for someone like me who is not very gifted socially nor good at having a poker face (I think it's more like the Joker's) around people I like. 

It's usually not so bad for me if they aren't a regular part of my life or I'm not overly fond of them myself (though I generally like most everyone in one way or another.) It does hurt, though, when you like them and have to be around them and you can't figure out exactly what it is you did to have them look at you that way...with that laser beam look of death that seems to come straight from their soul.

On other people the look might not have the same effect. But when a person with a normally inscrutable expression has even the most subtle shift you notice.

I thought things had improved with this someone I know. But lately she has given me a facial version of the cold shoulder whenever I smile, which I thought was an improvement from my scurrying away like a startled mouse whenever I see her. (I am not the most mature person when it comes to facing my fears.)

To smile or not to smile may not seem like a big deal, unless you're worried it might provide an unwanted clue the other person will pick up on.

Still, I figure if she’s going to be the same way whether I am nice to her or not, I’m going to still be nice. I’d rather be myself than fake something I don’t feel...or rather fake that I don't feel something I do feel, if that makes sense...(Though I would give anything to pull an effective poker face. It's hard having the kind of face that gives everything away and turns red easily.)

As far as dealing with people not liking you in general, I found this great article online. This year I am determined to turn things around and react better to situations I can't change:


"What To Do When People Don't Like You"

Do you feel like no matter how hard you try, other people still don’t like you? Have you been trying hard to make friends with no good results to show for all of your efforts?

If it seems that you have been trying hard to make friends, but that other people still don’t want to be your friend, you may have come to the conclusion that there’s something wrong with you. That maybe you are basically unlikeable.

Many of us go through such torment of self doubt, especially during our teenage years, when teens are often the victims of vicious bullying from their peers for no reason at all.

If you feel as if the people you are trying to befriend don’t like you, the first thing you must do is to ask yourself: Do you have any real evidence that others don’t like you?

Or are you just imagining the worst because you are always very harsh with yourself?

People who have low self-esteem, or who are suffering from depression, are often convinced that others don’t like them, even when there is no evidence for their negative belief. People who have a poor self image can be surrounded by others who like them, care about them, and enjoy their company; yet because these people don’t believe they are worthy of being liked, they are convinced that no one else likes them either.

So, if you are feeling as if nobody likes you, try to find out if there is some real evidence that others don’t like you, or whether you are just being very negative in your opinion of yourself.

On the other hand, there are times when it’s not just your imagination that others don’t like you. It might be really true that most of the people you meet are consistently rejecting you, even when you make social overtures and try to be as friendly to them as possible.

There are many reasons this can happen.

You may have moved to a society where the people are very tight knit with each other, and they don’t open up to newcomers easily.

You might be surrounded by people who automatically dislike people of your particular religion, ethnic background, sexual orientation, skin color, or bodily appearance.

You may be surrounded by people who reject you because the clothes you wear are not the latest and most expensive fashion.

In high school years in particular, many teens are strongly conformist, and can be very cruel to those who seem to be different from the norm. Sadly, some people never grow out of the stage of judging others for trivial and superficial reasons.

If you are really are being rejected by others, it is important that you don’t make the situation worse by attacking yourself.

This will only make you feel worse, and will make you lose confidence in approaching new people in the future.

Saying negative things to yourself could start you on a downward spiral of self-doubt and self-hatred. Or you might turn your anger outwards in a spirit of bitterness and revenge towards other people.  

This is not a solution that will win you friends or peace of mind. 

It’s also important to take a good, hard look at yourself and the way that you interact with other people. There may be specific behaviors that are causing others to dislike you, and these are behaviors which you can change.

Ask yourself the questions on this checklist. If it looks as if any of these behaviors are a problem for you, it’s very likely that if you change this behavior, that other people will like you better.

Are you always very negative and complaining all the time? Most people find this habit very annoying.

Do you actively participate in conversations with others? Or do you hold back and let other people do all the work in making conversation. If so, learn to improve your conversational skills so that talking with you is an experience that others look forward to.
  
Do you endlessly talk about yourself and show little interest in the people you are talking with? Other people will become bored with you very quickly if you seem only interested in yourself.

Do you try too hard to please others, always agreeing with everything that they say, and
never having any opinions of your own? People won’t respect you if you don’t respect yourself.

Do you often say things that hurt the feelings of others and then say it was just a joke? Do you say mean things behind other people’s backs? No one will trust you if they think that you are basically an unkind person.

If you want to make other people your friends, it’s very important that you don’t give up on trying. Keep approaching people, keep trying to make conversation. Get rid of your bad social habits if they are getting in the way of friendship.

If you are being given the cold shoulder by many of the people you encounter, particularly in your school or workplace, keep looking elsewhere for people you can confide in and befriend. You can try in your church, in your community, and in your own family.

Work on developing the talents and good qualities within yourself so that you can appeal in a new way to other people with whom you will have more in common. Continue to actively search out other people who will like you and accept you.

Don’t give up trying. Keep working at learning how to make friendly conversation and you will eventually make friends with people who truly like you.-selfgrowth.com

Something great for Monday...

During a trying morning I always think of something nice to look forward to later on in the day. This is it for me today. :)
 
The January/February issue of Poets and Writers is loaded with lots of great articles: