I struggle with myself on almost any given day, but especially after I feel like I've been foolish or said something unintentionally hurtful, forgotten to do something important...or when I still find myself feeling things (no matter if they are feelings of love or genuine concern) I wanted to stop feeling ages ago.

Today, mostly a very nice one, I almost made it through without having a "what a moron I am" moment, but I failed...and was a complete dodo.

This article came up when I did a search and it's really one of the best things that appeared. But it saddens me so much to see that there is a lot of self-hatred and pain on the Internet that exists in the world (of course) but is more openly expressed online.

So many people, especially teenagers, are truly suffering with who they are and how to go on each day. My heart aches for them.


 http://www.psychalive.org/i-hate-myself/

from An Abundance of Katherines

So I actually got a lot of cleaning and big items laundry done today and other "catch-up" things and just sat down to discover my iPhone battery life is dropping at 1% per minute...which it doesn't do, ever.

I just upgraded for my 5s phone in August and I've never had trouble with Apple products before. This article may not end up solving the problem, but even if it doesn't it still has some helpful information:

http://www.scottyloveless.com/blog/2014/the-ultimate-guide-to-solving-ios-battery-drain

And this explains airplane mode use:

http://fieldguide.gizmodo.com/three-uses-for-airplane-mode-that-dont-involve-flying-1584166499

I got enough charge from listening to music and feeling productive today and exercising that my mood has really improved. (Thank you, endorphins!)

And I do believe that, though it must certainly be nice and wonderful, you don't need to be part of a couple to have a good Valentine's Day! It can be for friendship and family too and, besides, love should be part of every day, anyway. If anyone is reading this, I wish you lots of love and goodness this weekend! :)

There are so many songs from the past I've 'gotten over' through the years, but no matter where I am or when it comes on, especially unexpectedly, "Everybody Wants To Rule The World" still takes me back to ninth grade and how scary and exciting I found high school.

I remember the good...English class (our teacher's gentle voice and how she made Cry, The Beloved Country a book I would never forget)...how then my best friend (whom I met that year) and I would not let go of our Duran Duran obsession...

and the bad...big hair and my first horrible, horrible crush (thankfully, not on my friend) and how I didn't know what to do with all those weird feelings and how grateful I was I had a good friend and actually liked learning and that it was blessed distraction not a curse.

Other songs like Jellybean's "Sidewalk Talk" (featuring Madonna) remind me (crazy as it is that I can sometimes forget) that my sister and I used to be really close and would sometimes like the same music and even hang out while we listened to it.

I honestly don't know that I would change growing up in the 80s no matter how much I sometimes hated some of it at the time. Though I much prefer other music over that from my teen years, no other quite affects me the same way.

The writer of this article explores the deep connection between music and memory:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-athletes-way/201312/why-do-the-songs-your-past-evoke-such-vivid-memories

 

I can honestly say that I don't think I've ever read anything that is both adorable and racy. I'm not normally one for racy romances, but Little Things is so well-written, so funny and deals with social anxiety* in such an authentic, touching way that the risqué parts (not an overwhelming aspect anyway) are fine.

There is humor that makes you smile ("The chrysanthemums looked like Iron Man and Harry Potter had made the colour selections, and then decided to go for broke on volume.") and heartache that may be all too familiar ("Getting up was hard, but necessary. Smiling was even more so. She crinkled her eyes and bared her teeth and trusted the world not to know the difference.")

Little Things is short, but its length works, the relationship is sweet and the writing (it bares mentioning again) is fantastic. It's only 99 cents on Amazon, but I would have paid more...it's that good!

 

 

 

*For anyone who has ever suffered social anxiety, particularly the fear of being looked at and judged, this story is more than just a story. It's like finding someone else who understands you.

 

I can probably count on one hand the amount of fiction I've read where the main character is portrayed as human and real and not automatically "undateable" because she has genuine fears and concerns and anxieties and has daily mantras like the one below. Fiction like this has the power to make a bad day better.

 

“You have this,” she reminded herself. “Just little longer and you can go home.” She breathed, folding her tears back inside and gently placing the hurting, overwhelmed portion of her psyche in a small mental box.

 

 

 

Do you know how hard it is to be around someone you really like and not blurt out how crazy you are about them? It's hard...and even harder to see them hurting, but not be in a place where you know if it's okay to hug them. 

It can make you shut down and shut up when you should be comforting and, meanwhile, it's all you can do not to say something to the person who caused the one you're worried about so much pain.

They say you only regret the things you didn't do, but I remember the last time I reached out to someone I didn't have an actual real friendship with and the look of horror on her face when I said I cared. I'm so afraid of that happening again, of making someone so uncomfortable...and of a moment that can never be taken back again.

In a slightly related matter...I can't help but think Valentines' Day should be about all kinds of love not just romantic. I saw this article and it's so nice:

http://www.chicagotribune.com/suburbs/vernon-hills/news/ct-vhr-lenhoff-tl-0219-20150210-column.html