I'm still thinking about the article on solitude from Harper's...between the revelations and superb writing it can really take hold of you. Thinking about solitude has made me think about other things as well...and on days like these, I truly believe there is no worse enemy than one's own self...and that even though it can be really hard to be alone, it is better to be alone because at least then you know you won't make a fool of yourself or unintentionally be rude or thoughtless with someone you like.

And then there is the sadness of knowing a second chance is gone for good...or even a third or fourth one, if you're lucky enough to get those. That is me, that is how it's always been with friendships I wanted more than life itself...there's a point up to where I can be okay, where they might not even dislike me and then I do something (definitely unintentional, always excruciating, that either happens in one defining moment or is a series of moments all within a day or two) that can never un-change how they see me.

It doesn't matter what my intentions are because only I truly know what they were or are...the person on the other end of my intentions can only see the bad results. And, even if they did understand, what do our good intentions matter when it's our actions and outer things that affect (and hurt) others the most?

On a related note (as far as wanting to try and just to keep quiet so I don't say or do anything out of line in the first place) I put this on hold at my local library. In a way, it's kind of nice to know there is a wait list for it...because other people must struggle too with worrying about what comes out of their mouths.

Another book that looks interesting:

And..one of my favorite songs ever kind of speaks to the pain of not being who you want to be (unless I'm totally interpreting it wrong)...

"Bittersweet Symphony" by the Verve


'Cause it's a bittersweet symphony, this life
Try to make ends meet
You're a slave to money then you die
I'll take you down the only road I've ever been down
You know the one that takes you to the places
where all the veins meet yeah,

No change, I can change
I can change, I can change
But I'm here in my mold
I am here in my mold
But I'm a million different people
from one day to the next
I can't change my mold
No, no, no, no, no

Well I never pray
But tonight I'm on my knees yeah
I need to hear some sounds that recognize the pain in me, yeah
I let the melody shine, let it cleanse my mind, I feel free now
But the airways are clean and there's nobody singing to me now

No change, I can change
I can change, I can change
But I'm here in my mold
I am here in my mold
And I'm a million different people
from one day to the next
I can't change my mold
No, no, no, no, no
I can't change
I can't change

'Cause it's a bittersweet symphony, this life
Try to make ends meet
Try to find some money then you die
I'll take you down the only road I've ever been down
You know the one that takes you to the places
where all the things meet yeah

You know I can change, I can change
I can change, I can change
But I'm here in my mold
I am here in my mold
And I'm a million different people
from one day to the next
I can't change my mold
No, no, no, no, no

I can't change my mold
no, no, no, no, no,
I can't change
Can't change my body,
no, no, no

I'll take you down the only road I've ever been down
I'll take you down the only road I've ever been down
Been down
Ever been down
Ever been down
Ever been down
Ever been down
Have you ever been down?
Have you've ever been down?

This song...I was listening to an online 80s music station this morning and I heard this for the first time and it's already stuck inside my soul...more for the music than the words, though parts of the lyrics get to me too, plus I really like the whole idea of ripping something up and starting again...

"Rip It Up" by Orange Juice

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ESy-Z8vqMrE


When I first saw you
Something stirred within me
You were standing sultry in the rain
If I could've held you
I would've held you
Rip it up and start again

Rip it up and start again
Rip it up and start again
I hope to God you're not as dumb as you make out
I hope to God
I hope to God
And I hope to God I'm not as numb as you make out
I hope to God
I hope to God

And when I next saw you
My heart reached out for you
But my arms stuck like glue to my sides
If I could've held you
I would've held you
But I'd choke rather than swallow my pride
Rip it up and start again

Rip it up and start again
Rip it up and start again
I hope to God you're not as dumb as you make out
I hope to God
I hope to God
And I hope to God I'm not as numb as you make out
I hope to God
I hope to God

And there was times I'd take my pen
And feel obliged to start again
I do profess
That there are things in life
That one can't quite express
You know me I'm acting dumb-dumb
You know this scene is very humdrum
And my favourite song's entitled 'boredom'

Rip it up and start again
I said rip it up and start again
I said rip it up and rip it up and rip it up

and rip it up and rip it up and start again


 

 

April 2015, Washingtonian

My favorite parts of the Sunday papers always used to be the wedding vows and real estate sections, both for the vicarious living and genuine happiness at seeing others find happiness. Now, somehow, reading both sometimes makes me aware of the huge gaps in my life...home and house.

 

The more I can make peace with these missing gaps (and the more I save, the more I think I can move from apartment to condo or town house) the more I can return to reading both sections.

 

Though I still believe the local newspapers have far more attainable goals, in terms of finding something affordable, I do love both Baltimore and Washingtonian magazines and the articles they often run on the "best places" to live in the area.

 

 

 

This article is just amazing...it says so much about solitude, though I'm still absorbing it all and have a lot more to take in (it's great, really, but very dense in scope.)

Besides the fact that living by yourself can sometimes be lonely, the other troublesome thing (for me, at least) is this thoughtless perception that "solitaries" (to use the author's words) somehow have it "easier" than couples or families. Not only is this not true, but other people have no idea why someone else may be living on their own or what goes on in that person's life.

We all can be lonely, no matter how we physically live. And we all can be very responsible and perpetually busy, no matter if we are partnered or not.

I hope to be back blogging soon. I feel like sometimes things fall right into our laps when we need them most. I found an amazing article the other day about making peace with a life of solitude (as in...you had hoped things would turn out differently in your single life, but they didn't), but I haven't really had time to digest it all yet and I am both asleep and awake and so loopy I'm pretty much almost ready to talk to my stuffed animals so I can't do the article any justice yet. What I most like about it so far is that it doesn't patronize or pity those walking down a solitary path. Speaking of paths, I really would like to tell insomnia to go take a hike. It can leave whenever it likes. I won't miss it one bit.