to feel like you're from another planet...

I love wikihow, even their advice on trying to get past the pain of losing a friend is good:

https://www.wikihow.com/Get-Over-Friends-Who-No-Longer-Want-to-Be-Friends-With-You

I struggle with what to do with all the emails from the friendship I am still missing so much and I know the advice to delete them is probably really, really good advice, but I just cannot bring myself to do so. There are some of the most wonderful correspondence I ever had in my life...

Now that I know what I know it hurts more than I could have imagined to read older ones and yet I know good advice when I see it  :(

As I sometimes struggle with how others behave I cannot help but think about a recent episode of "Bob's Burgers" and something wonderful that Tina said. On really hard days I try to remember and hold this close:


Maybe we all have a little bully inside of us. Maybe when we think people are being mean to us it can make us mean. But even if people are difficult we have to resist, we have to try to be nice. Maybe it will bring out the nice in other people-<3 #BobsBurgers


And on days when it seems like there is a disproportionate number of 'mean people' I also try and take a step back and wonder if I might be the one with the problem. 

I remember reading a long time ago, though I cannot remember where and cannot find it on Google, that if one or two people give you trouble it is probably them. If more than that do, then it might be you, even if you are not aware you are doing anything wrong or would never intentionally do so. I say 'you' very generically as I believe this is something I need to work on.

I watched "Dickensian" for the first time a few months ago and loved it far, far more than I ever could have dreamed, especially since I am not a big Dickens fan and had already kind of half-formed in my mind what the series would be like. I could not have been more wrong and despite hoping to watch it piecemeal so that it would last as long as possible I still ended up binge-watching it. I recommended it to some customers at the library where I work and they came back later and told me they loved it, too, and we got to talk about it, which I always find one of the best parts about reading a book or watching a tv show.

Despite my not being a Dickens fan I have always been drawn to Miss Havisham's part in Great Expectations and, sure enough, her story line (meshed in with those of all sorts of Dickensian characters, thus the name of the British drama) is as mesmerizing as it is heartbreaking. Tuppence Middleton is outstanding as Miss Havisham and, dare I say, may be the best one ever!

So when I read the article below (emphasis on the highlighted portion) I felt almost vindicated on Miss Havisham's behalf:

http://www.signature-reads.com/2018/03/heres-miss-havisham-can-teach-us-grief/?cdi=23CF0F99DEDE2BF3E0534FD66B0A902E&ref=PRH24BB520913



"Yet the  backstory interrupts notions Miss Havisham had been some delicate flower. Instead, evidence suggests that she had been a powerful woman who was strong enough to guard her own interests against the overt machinations of her half-brother, and she had felt confident in her self at such a level that she trusted that her evaluation of her fiancé was the correct one. Rather than allow herself to be talked out of pursuing her heart’s desire, she had stood up to those who had used bullying tactics to try to get her to give up her lover. Thus, when he failed to show up for their wedding, this wasn’t just a matter of losing a love relationship: it meant that Miss Havisham had learned that she could not trust her own judgment. Her belief in herself shatters in response to the betrayal, and Miss Havisham goes into an extended period of mourning. But the grief, I would argue, is not for the lost love. The grief is for herself and the complete loss of faith in her own abilities to understand people."

The tree outside my window has been a surprisingly lovely refuge for me over the years, no matter what the season. In fall it looks so lush and its many, many leaves help me feel sheltered. In the winter (unless it's snowing) its very bareness reminds me that though things can get bad they will not always be bad...because spring (or so the calendar says) is right around the corner.

And the thing that makes me most happy about that tree is that my cat seems to really like it, too, and the window that gives him the view: