I feel like I go on and on about how it wasn’t until the 1984 NBC show Double Trouble came along that I even began to wonder if there was something wrong with me because I found a girl so cute and adorable and attractive. (Kate Foster, played by Jean Sagal, was absolutely fascinating to me.)

It felt so wholesome and yet I knew it wasn’t normal ...because in real life, at the same time, I was starting to have a crush on a junior, I barely knew but found very appealing, even though she and I could have come from two different planets.

So many things and feelings I thought I had forgotten are rushing back in my mind right now...not just the bad stuff (maybe if I had had straight crushes and liked boys instead I wouldn't have experienced so much unwelcome-ness with my emotions) but the good stuff too...like how a simple nighttime sitcom could make you happy and have something to look forward to when your daytime life came with lots of crappiness.

I have more to say, but need to get my thoughts together about it all...yet also avoid the overwhelming power of chronesthesia (mental time travel).

Late at night, when I get on social media and see my Facebook friends’ posts I realize just how much I have screwed up my life and how much they have not theirs.

And I’m happy for them because I know them from high school or college and know that the ones that are happy are also the ones that were nice people, decent people so they deserve every single good thing that’s happened to them.

I never had someone like me in high school or college and even if I had tried to pretend and gone ahead and played the straight life, there was no one who wanted to play the straight life with me 

I have really really really messed up and it’s just really hitting me right now, more than it ever has before. I first wrote this after having two glasses of wine, but it's now the next day and I'm not drinking and I still feel the same exact way.

It doesn’t matter that I was bullied in middle school and part of high school. Maybe I even deserved it. 

I should’ve risen above it.

If I were a really good, decent person, I would’ve met someone who would want to marry me and I would have had marriage and children 

No wonder my mom is so disappointed in me

It’s not so much I’m pining for the life I don’t have, but that I know I really messed up when it comes to what society expects of people, even now in 2024.

In that regard, I have failed miserably and I beat myself up over it more than my mom ever could. 

 On Netflix

Two (imho) terrific shows I've recently binged within a short period of time are Don't Come Home and The Last Night at Tremore Beach.

I would call both limited series mind-bending, a quality I often seek out, especially in Netflix shows.

Of the two, Don't Come Home is a bit more succinct and more obviously eerie, with a jaw-dropping ending and echoes of the also terrific Haunting of Hill House. But The Last Night at Tremore Beach, far more of a slow burn, will deplete your soul and is so beautiful, both visually and emotionally.

I am absolutely fascinated by Javier Rey's gut-wrenching performance as Alex. Without him, I think the series wouldn't be as effective as it is.

 

Dear Mr. Trump,

I did not vote for you so right from the start that makes me useless to you. I have to be honest, though, because while I have lost most of my will to fight anything any more, I do at least still have most of my belief system intact.

I don’t know if you can see past your self-insulated world, your ego, your need to always be right and in control, but I hope you can at least see that there is a difference between hate and fear among the people who did not vote for you and are living in the aftermath of what can only be described as a living nightmare.

You’ve said in the past that your defense for not sexually assaulting a woman is because “she’s not your type,” as if that is a reason and as if that doesn’t open up a huge can a worms of what you would do if she were.

If you were to ever meet me, you would see right away I am “not your type.” I am not only not attractive, I am an aberration in terms of what straight men look for in a woman. The only person who has ever given me a hard time about not being married is my mother but with everyone else I get a pass. I am just that undesirable or appealing as a person or woman. I guess the very thing that is my albatross is also my blessing.

No matter that, though, “unattractive” women deserve to exist too. And women, whether married or single, deserve self-autonomy. I am celibate by both choice and design and I am okay with that. I am okay with passing so far under the radar that even your VP Vance would let it slide that I am a childless cat lady.

So though I am a celibate, asexual lesbian (you’ll probably have to look up exactly what that is) and I am very much scared as a member of the lgbtq+ community, I am even more scared for all the women out there who didn’t vote for you and whose health and healthcare is in jeopardy.

The first time you were President I did not feel this much fear. I saw how problematic you were (and obviously still are), but I thought there was still possibility that you could be human and somehow empathetic. I see now that is highly unlikely and along with my fear I feel such heartache.

This is my hypothetical letter to you. Though I am terrified of you and wish you had not won the election, I have no hate for you in my heart. I just do not that, even when people hate me.

I beg of you to reach in your heart and find your humanity and consider that the part of the country that did not vote for you is really not your enemy.

Most sincerely,

An old maid childless cat lady in Maryland

I had hoped I would be less angry, but I'm not. The effects from Tuesday are already starting to show in so many ways, including with online trolls (presumably male) telling women, "Your body. My choice." 

It's sickening and scary and it's not even January yet. Trump is now the unofficial (soon to be official) spokesperson for toxic, belligerent, entitled, nasty (the list goes on and on) straight white men who thinks it's their God-given right to treat women however they want.

Men have never cared for me so I don't exactly carry credibility when it comes to dating men and such, but there are millions and millions of women who do have social clout in the dating game and in seeing some men as they really are.

It used to be that incels only said crap like this.

I don’t know that I’m ever going get used to the fact that one of the most cruel and horrible men to ever be on this planet is soon to be our president. 

And that because he’s done so many horrible things there somehow gives people a pass to do the very same things he does and did.