I know the U2 song "With Or Without You" is not about children and parents, but sometimes it's the only song I can think of to relate to not getting along with family, even when you love them.
Walking On Eggshells is a book I just discovered and it seems like it's going to be helpful. Adult children can feel like they're ten again when they visit their parents, even it's just for a day. Being ten again sounds cute, but it's not for anyone whose parents still try and dictate every move of their adult lives.
You can love someone dearly, with all your soul, and still not get along with them like you did at an earlier point in time. What your parents ask of you at age ten should not be what they ask of you as an adult.
My dad and I have never been close...he's such a quiet man and drawing him out in conversation is almost impossible...so that relationship has never really changed. His way of showing he cares is asking if my car is all ready for winter or if my computer security software has been updated. My mom, on the other hand, is extremely outgoing with a stormy nature. You never have to guess with her, never. Up until my late 30s, we were very close. Her showing she cared wasn't so coded nor were her emotions, good or bad.
In the past five years, though, it's been tricky. I want to figure out how to make my parents happy without sacrificing myself. I don't want to be selfish, but I don't want to be smothered either. I miss the mother I knew growing up, who was a free thinker and loved music and dancing and...well, just living. She believed in God, but didn't believe that meant shutting down from all forms of earthly enjoyment. Now, if it isn't Old Testament, she won't have anything to do with it.
I'm hoping Walking With Eggshells can help me. If not, I'll keep looking for more books that can help. Because it's clear my parents are not going to change the way they worry and question my every decision, the way they want me to believe in God, so I've got to change how I react to and behave with them.
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