music, books, love and kindness

Our personal history (especially the cruel parts) can help keep things in perspective. I'm pretty sure (though I wasn't so appreciative at the time) that being teased in middle school actually might have been a good thing for me. It made me far more realistic than I might have been otherwise, gave me more years than most people have, to brace for the future.

From my early teens on, I just knew that I was destined to never pair off in like or love. This wasn't just something I learned from always being foisted on some poor soul's team by the gym teacher or seeing everyone's eyes avert when it was time to choose a partner for science lab. It was something I saw in other people's eyes during after-school dances and other social events, even in the ones of the kindest souls.

I'm not saying people who are different deserve to be picked on (they most certainly don't!) but I do think I was so far gone from normal there was no way I'd ever have been the kind of girl who had friends. I always brought a book with me wherever I went and would read in homeroom, between classes, after our tests were turned in. I had horribly out-of-control hair and wore unusual clothes.

I didn't try as hard as I should have to fit in, probably because I was more interested in books than in other kids. I think I might have even been prissy, in the sense that I behaved like a schoolmarm instead of a student. I was an Adam Ant song, minus the fashion sense and style. I developed such indifference (on top of my already almost pathological shyness) to all that was around in middle school the guidance counselor told my parents there might be something wrong with me.

Back then I was terrified, much more than I am today. I tried not to let the spitballs (my hair was huge!) throw me off or the nasty comments ("Did you know your picture is under 'ugly' in the dictionary?") get to me. High school improved some and college turned out to be pretty wonderful and most people agree that middle school is Hell anyway.

But there are some times now when I wish I could get that detachment back. Then again, I don't have to run away or hide anymore so maybe it's for the best. I'd like to think I relate better to others nowadays even if I still secretly want to retreat when I meet people outside of my job or an already familiar social situation.