music, books, love and kindness

The current book I'm reading is driving me mad (quite literally.) I've had to put it down a few times and take deep breaths.

I know there are two sides to almost every story, but I have trouble seeing that when it comes to infidelity. And when that infidelity is related to having "suppressed your lesbian side" by getting married to a man, I am surprised that I have such little sympathy, given those actions are often driven by societal pressure and both internal and external homophobia.

I totally get the suppression part, I do. I've spent most of my adult life bottling up certain parts of me. But I've remained single instead. I didn't up and marry a man because I was so "scared" (as the main character in this book is) of who I really am. When a person does something like that they not only hurt themselves, they hurt other people (especially their spouse) as well.

Another part of the book that is upsetting is something that also happens in real life. One of the straight women (also married) in the story is intrigued by a lesbian she meets and giggles a lot and thinks how "neat" it would be to see what it's like with another woman. This infuriates me even more because it's all a matter of "play" to the woman. She doesn't want love, she wants an experiment and uses her fantasies to fuel her love life with her husband.

This kind of attitude (much as the kind that goes with a straight woman wanting to have her cake and eat it too) is incredibly painful to a lesbian who is single and honest as possible and trying to find real love. You can't go into traditional marriage because you want to deny who you are and then one day finally be true to yourself and yet still want to stay married to a man while you "date" your girlfriend.

Arghhh! I just want to scream so much right now, even as I desperately want to understand (maybe even empathize) since the far far right instill these beliefs (the kind "ex-gay therapy" supports) that to can lead to marriages ending and thereby possibly threatening a very sacred institution...the very thing homophobic organizations like N.O.M. say gay people do.