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One of my worst nightmares (literally) came true tonight. I was out with a good friend grabbing dinner at a local grocery store before we went back to work and at the store I saw someone I knew who used to be part of one of my recurring dreams. Something I had always feared (because of the nightmares) happened but still I wasn't prepared for it. The jarring that can just slam into you when you instantly know the someone in front of you is someone you haven't seen in years is so very unnerving.

I had always envisioned having some kind of closure one day if I bumped into her, but how do you tell the first person you ever had serious affection for and that you expressed it to (unwanted to her and, really, to you) that you're sorry? You can't apologize for that, ever, even if you only confided your feelings at the time because they weren't well and had been going through a hellish time. It just would sound really really creepy, no matter how platonically you went about it back then.

That experience was the first time I ever let someone know I cared about them and how that admission was received has always haunted me in some way. I was in the wrong for saying anything and for not realize how much I misjudged the situation.

After that I never told someone I cared about them unless it was a very close friend or a family member. To this day, if I detect even the slightest uneasiness in someone else's eyes when they see me, I keep on walking, no matter how I feel about them. Even if someone told me they liked me, I would think it was a prank. So I keep to myself whenever possible.

I'm glad I was too shocked by seeing her and affected by years of guilt to say anything. I put on my poker face, pretty sure she didn't recognize me as we walked right by each other. I tried to smile like I would with a stranger and I was fine...until I wasn't.

Back at work I started shaking and I'm glad my supportive co-worker and friend was there to help me after I confided in her. I have been over my crush feelings for decades, but the guilt has always been there, even if it's settled down over the years. I think it was right to not let on that I recognized her. It was a bad time in both our lives and I imagine most people don't want to go down those dark roads again once they've left school behind.