I hope this post is not too much or too inappropriate. It is something that has been on my mind lately and even more so within the past week since the Supreme Court ruled on gay marriage and there has been a lot of reaction (both good and bad) to their decision.
I have noticed that both anti-gay and gay friendly people can sometimes say the same thing, if not for the same reason. "I don't care what two people do in their bedroom" is often cited by both sides, though often said in completely different tones. Those who support gay rights think they are saying something positive and being an ally, the far right believe they are emphasizing the sexual components. But BOTH (in my mind, at least) sides are trivializing the bigger issue.
The only thing I do in my bedroom is sleep. Of course I am single and not in a relationship and have never been in one involving intimacy of either a romantic or sexual nature. That is too much information to share, I am pretty sure, but I only mention that because the fact that sex and sexuality is so often THE main thing both pro and anti-gay people bring up in discussion saddens me a lot.
When I tried to come out to my family it went horribly, horribly (horribly) wrong. It did not, in fact, go at all and so I tried my best to just be "cured." The few friends I told were pretty accepting, though one person told me they just did not believe me because I gave off no sexuality at all. I did not have to ask him what he meant because I had heard it before during one of the times I was brave enough to go on dates, hoping I would meet Miss Right For Me.
"You're a nice girl and all that, but you just aren't my type" was more or less the message I got whenever I did try to meet someone and it did not take me long to know that was universal speak (for me, specifically) for "I'm just not attracted to you." One woman was even bold enough (which I actually appreciated) to say she just did not think I was someone anyone would want to go to bed with.
After a while I stopped trying. It was all for the best, anyway, considering my parents would never accept who I am and I was feeling very guilty for trying to meet someone special who not only most likely did not exist (for me) but who (if she WAS out there and COULD love me back) would be unfairly dragged into a really bad family situation. So, I stopped dating and have not even thought about it seriously since. I just go about my business, sometimes reading romance novels, sometimes day dreaming, ALWAYS knowing my 'place' (or lack of one) in the world of love.
This is the thing though: I do not care if I give off sexuality or not. Frankly, I do not care that much about sex (I guess it is pretty easy to not miss something you have never known) and I KNOW I am not sexy. I am more childlike than adult, when it comes right down to it. But that does not mean I do not have a heart and that I do not care deeply about someone and that that caring deeply is most likely love, maybe romantic in nature, definitely deep. I am making my peace with a life ahead of being on my own and I (more or less) am okay with that. What I am not so okay with and what just breaks my heart so, so much is how so many people see being gay as being about sex...when that is simply not so.
It does not matter to my own personal life that this false impression continues to perpetuate itself through both sides of the gay rights and gay marriage debate. But it DOES sadden me very much for the loving gay and lesbian couples out there who have been together for decades (decades!) and have never once cheated or betrayed each other and that there are hateful straight people on their third and fourth marriages pointing their fingers and having mini hissy fits on who should and should not be allowed to marry.
It may be a cliche, but I think it is a true one: the heart wants what the heart wants. The saying does not go the body wants what the body wants, after all. And another thing I wish people knew about celibate gay people: our hearts want they want, too. It is just that we either love someone who does not feel the same way we do or we remain silent because we know, for us, that is just the way it has to be.
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